ptsd and adjustment disorder

[broken_toy]

Hi there. A little background: In 1998- a friend suicided, 2001 - my best furry friend of 17 years was put down by a neighbour and my best mates brothers suicided, 2002 - a friend was murdered, 2008 - one of my sisters died of cancer, 2010 - involved in a major car accident - believed son had died in crash for nearly 6 hrs until hospital staff brought him to see me - and sustained a cracked sternum and developed PTSD, Dec 2012 - mother died just before Christmas, Feb 2013 - 21yr old nephew suicides, Sep 2016 - resigned from job of 10yrs after 2 yrs of bullying by manager, 2016/2017 - unemployed for 5 mnths, April 2017 - knocked off motorbike on way to work to new job, shattered left shoulder (impacted spiral fracture of humurus), fractured left ankle and shattered right pinky finger (hospital decided to repair pinky with screws rather than amputate, I found out after surgery) and PTSD triggered again. I have been informed by my specialists earlier this year that I now have a permanent impairment of my shoulder. I lost something very important to me since the bike accident - my independence. I was fiercely independent.

My childhood was pretty crap too lol My dad died when I was 8yrs old and I was left with a mentally abusive mother and brother (who both hated me) and 4 other siblings who didn't see the abuse so don't believe it happened, to this day.

I haven't thought about a lot of the earlier childhood stuff as I have worked through a lot of it with EMDR and support from a great network of people, including my brilliant son.

I have been stressed recently trying to achieve certification in swim teaching, and have realised that being around the kids is triggering my childhood stuff. I really want to be a swim teacher, but am not sure how to resolve / work through this old stuff and move forward.

I also believe that the permanent impairment from my shoulder injury is triggering my PTSD as well and I have been crying for about a week, at just everything. I was watching the new star trek movies again recently, and don't understand why the displays of loyalty, friendship and comeraderie made me bawl like a child. The crying is occurring while I am watching anything on TV with even the slightest bit of anything heartwarming.

My support network has frayed a bit as some don't understand why i'm not recovered from my shoulder injury, or what PTSD is and why I am still affected by it.

Does anyone have any suggestions how to move forward?

[PamelaR]

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums Broken Toy

Oh my heart goes out to you, how much you have gone through over the years. PTSD would be in full flight. It is the pits sometimes! I have it from childhood trauma. This leaves me with anxiety and depression. One thing though, I have been managing it and life has picked up.

There are a lot of threads here about PTSD, triggers, Complex PTSD (or C-PTSD) - do a google search for one of these title words and add - Beyond Blue at the end to get some of the threads.

You are not alone in how you feel. I've done extensive work with health professionals over the years to get me where I am today. Have you done much work you've done with a health professional?

What I always found difficult was finding the right one for me. Someone who understands PTSD. That thing about your shoulder remembering - yep, that is so right. All parts of my anatomy have felt my past traumas. It is extremely painful at times. It took years and years to realise this is what is happening. The bones, muscles, joints, ligaments - all remember the trauma before you do. How I deal with that now is to -

• acknowledge the pain, the feelings and know where it comes from
• breath with the pain in that part of my body, using slow breathing technique and as I exhale slowly release the pain and anguish that goes with it.
• allow myself to cry, to beat my pillow, to feel the caught up pain - then to let it all go.
• recovery time for me is quicker now that I've recognised what it is. But it could take up to two weeks previously before I could move on. I was comotosed some times with the pain and feeling in specific parts of my body.

Hope some of this helps Broken Toy. Keep reaching out, if and when you want. No pressure.

Just remember you're not alone. We do understand.

Kind regards

PamelaR