Please someone help

[KevinDingo]

Hello there.

I don't really know where to start or what to say, so I guess I will just type and let it flow.

I know I have issues. The thing is, nobody wants to help.

My family history with mental health is complicated - both my parents have spent time in a mental health facility. They are both heavily medicated and will be the rest of their lives. So there is more than likely genetics at play.

I don't doubt I'm depressed with imposter syndrome and all that thrown in, but things are getting more and more difficult.

It's around this time every year my self-destructive side comes out. In 2021, I embarked on an affair which ended my marriage, in 2022 I attempted suicide (twice) and in 2023 I caused a substantial rift in my family. I'm just waiting for what 2024 will bring.

I'm self employed, and the past few weeks have just been kick in the balls after kick in the balls. With so few staff, I can't afford to take the time off.

My sleep is terrible. I am at most getting three hours sleep per night and just spend the rest of the time staring in to the void.

My GPs are not much use - Just more of the anti-depressants with the sedative side effects. Which work for a few weeks, then back to usual and just an increase in dose. I'm now at the maximum dose, and the doctors won't even prescribe me one round of sleeping pills. I just want a good nights rest.

I am sceptical of psychologists - I have been raped/blackmailed by one (see 2021's destructive behaviour), and being told to change my thinking just isn't the solution. I try, but saying business will be okay tomorrow or I will sleep tomorrow and think happy thoughts just doesn't work. 

Maybe there is even some PTSD or something at play here?

One of the GPs I have seen got me a referral to a psychiatrist - but they didn't deem my case interesting/important enough to take on.

It feels like the end of my tether is fast approaching and I really don't know what to do anymore. My partner is fast loosing patience with my constant negativity, I am always tired and I struggle to talk to the doctors (Being a man, hard to talk about our mental health!). When my partner has come to help explain my moods and behaviour, one of the doctors just told her to be quiet or wait outside, and let me explain myself.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know who can help. There is no interest in hobbies any more. I don't know who to talk to. It just feels like the night is getting darker and I don't know when the light will come back.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,
 
Welcome to the Forums! We imagine it was difficult to come here and post and we're grateful you did so as it can be a powerful step towards feeling better. We can hear it's been hard for you to tell your story, but please know that you're in a safe space for doing so here, with a lovely community of kind and understanding people.  It sounds like this is a particularly challenging time of year for you and it is important that you have been able to recognise this and reach out.
 
You have been through a huge amount in a short amount of time and you deserve to have some support working through this. We’re reaching out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you'd prefer to call us, we're on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach us online via our webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/. Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), which can sit with you in these feelings and help you to plan for your safety.     
 
Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. We are sure the commuunity  here will soon spot your post and respond with their own messages of support and  wisdom.

Kind regards
Sophie  M