Hello,
I've been lurking here for awhile, grateful the what has been shared, now I feel the time has come to introduce myself.
Simply put, I don't know if I'm crazy, or if the person I live with is. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have done the whole psychiatry and meds thing. I really did make some massive progress (yoga, yoga, yoga!..I promise it's a life saver), and am really proud of myself. I kept pushing through the desire to hide under the doona, and have kept the crucial stuff rolling, but gee whizz if an enormous bushfire didn't land on my back doorstep destroying my rebuilt zen(ish), sending my man and myself into an existential crisis for the past 12 months...not to mention a plague to keep all of us plugged into global existential fears.
As far as I'm concerned these are troubling times for all and my mind goes round and round upon the mousewheel of this. Poor, exhausted mind.
The panic attacks where I must remember to breathe...the counting of breath as though my life depends upon it, perhaps it does. The pacing. The doubling over in sheer emotional pain. Rocking back and forth in self-soothing, I remember not to do this in front of my depressed man, I feel as though we are severely mirroring each other, if he see's me rocking then I must be mad one. See how silly all this is? I know it. There is an ancoring in the knowledge, but still, the mouse wheel in the corner...
Today I saw two butterfilies mating upon my doorstep, I did not see two at first, so bent down because the glorious coloured mass was so still, I thought it to be dead. Then I realised there were two, locked irrevocably in the rythym of life. A defiant splash of colour, impervious to my primate chitterings. I apologised to them, this was indeed something sacred. I felt very blessed.
So feeling thus blessed, I am ready to introduce myself, hoping something in this resonates positively for someone else.
I am feeling hope, although my domestic life is in shatters and I'm sleeping on the couch.
Two entwined butterfiles gave me this, and for all my convoluted tortured human thoughts, for a moment I touched without question, why I keep getting up each morning, ready to make a fist of things.
I hope you will allow me to send you all a message of love and hope.
