Newly trying to get help

[Bioshock]

I have sought help for my mental health issues since I was a teenager but never really got anywhere. I am attempting to get help again before I completely spiral out of control.

 I am 39 now.

In recent times I have further issues with chronic back pain and I started smoking again which seems to have made me completely unstable.

I'm not currently working and trying to sort out my chronic pain.

 My mental health issues range from anxiety, social phobia, obsessive thoughts and depression.

 if you saw me out and about you would probably think I am quite together but internally I am so stressed, negative and miserable.

 No one issue is my problem, pain is better now then 3 months ago but I feel more hopeless. I'm just tired of having to make such an effort to be normal (pain free and functioning) and happy.

My whole life is an attempt to feel content or happiness but I never get close. Maybe 10 mins here and there but mostly I'm worried about life, pain or other people.

Recently I'm really turning on my family and I know from past experience it just gets worse the more I try to involve them. Only I know that by avoiding them they take offence at that too, so I need to pretend to be fine.

 By family I mean wife basically. I find it hard to co exist while being in so much pain and they carry on like normal. I resent it and makes me boil.

 I ask for help but I don't think they understand or care.

 i really don't feel I can beat this on my own, but also don't think that I can get the help I need. I try and talk to doctors etc but I find that whole process stressful and draining.

 I guess I just feel I'm just hanging on by a thread with no strength left.

[White_Rose]

Dear Bioshock

I am so sad to read of your difficulties. Physical pain and depression together are hugely debilitating. I hope we can help and support you here.

I want to ask you how much you know about depression. It is important to understand how depression works and what it is doing to you. I suggest you browse the BB site, start with the blue tabs at the top of the page, and read all the material on depression and other mental illnesses. You can download this material or ask BB to send it to you. There is also information for family and friends. Perhaps your wife could read this and have a better understanding of the pain and anxiety you are experiencing.

I understand the stress of talking to doctors and psychologists for long periods. There are many times I have returned home and felt completely drained after a session. The sad part is they cannot help us unless we are there and talking to them. One thing I have found helpful is to write down all the issues I want to discuss and tell the doc/psych/whoever that these are the points important to me. That way when I leave I feel less frustrated because I have discussed what I want. Just a thought.

Hanging by a thread is a horrible feeling. The longer it continues the more helpless you feel. I hope you don't get to the point of giving up. What is it that talking to your doctor upsets you? Is it the effort of talking or because you feel you are not getting any help? If you are unhappy with your GP you can find another. BB has a list of GPs with experience in mental health issues. Go to Find a Professional at the bottom of the page. This will take you to a list of GPs searchable by postcode.

Another avenue you may like to explore is marriage counselling. You say your wife does not appear to understand how difficult your life has become. Perhaps if you went to a safe place such as marriage counselling with someone who could help both of you understand the other better, this may have a knock on effect with you physical and mental health issues.

I have not spoken about your physical issues as this is something I have little knowledge about. However, if you change GPs it may be good to discuss these issues with a new doctor.

Hope you will continue to write in.

Mary