Newbie - Lost and Wondering

[Hard Liner]

I'm a Forum First Timer looking for Answers to Many Questions, Most of which just seem Impossible to be Answered.

Most of my life I'm just a Stuff-Up to My Family, Friends, Anyone I have Met; I've just Pushed them Away. So far away that I don't Communicate with anyone anymore. I've sought Professional help when I've been at my lowest so many times I've lost count, I've just can't keep up anymore. I've resorted to many levels including drugs, alcohol, violence when I've felt there was no other way than walking or running away to try and forget my past, but it just keeps bighting me back. I've done Rehab to fix those I could but there was Always A Single Card Shown to me, That My Problem was with me, inside me, and so was the Answers, Being That I have Emotional Problems more than anything. Not many people know how to help me with these because it was always hard to find someone who was Qualified enough to Help.

I've also had to resort to living on the streets at my lowest, and on top of this along, Medical Problems, both Physically and Mentally. Some of the Physical setbacks are treated by Meds, and some are Incurable, but it's My Mental Health I see that taking a flogging, which in turn affects my weight gain, lack of confidence and even though GP's, Psych's, and Specialists can only do so much, I feel I've already run out of options, but one thing I've never let go is my ability to keep searching. Who knows, I may never find the answers, but I'd like to know I've come here to share My Ventures. I Hope You don't Mind?

Living on the Public System is Not a Benefit, It's a Nightmare, as well as Lack of Public Health Disappearing too, that has made it so much harder. I think I did have a life once but I was drowned out by the Extreme Lack of Support from my Family since Childhood and Medical Help. I want to share more and hopefully, maybe in time here, I can? I putting myself out into this Internet World for everyone to see. Thank You!

[blondguy]

Hey Mark

Excuse my temporary profile pic.....its just a Bathurst thing for this weekend...

I hope your weekend was reasonably okay to you.....Cool skull pic by the way....always great to have something individual on here for a change....Kazzl and Geoff are old 'Rockers' ....I am just stuck in the '80's....I am younger:-)

My 23 year old daughter loves thrash....even though it gives me a huge headache...lol....what do you listen to?

Paul

[Hard Liner]

Hi Kaz, The NFP's said to call if ever I felt like I needed their assistance again next time, I'm just trying to look for other services meanwhile.
I do intend to get to the other boards, there's just so many. I'm sure when I get a chance I will venture a little more as time goes by.
I have tried mindfulness exercises in the past without much success, for which I'm dubious about, also Meditation and Breathing exercises I practise daily.
The Connections with others I have seen and felt here are mostly good, though I haven't seen where folks look to release, or maybe I'm on a wrong site? My understanding is that one should be able to express themselves freely, for without doing so brings more harm than good? I understand that most are bound by rules on this site, which I find difficult to adhere to, as I'm sure others do to, but there's a concept through rehab I was taught to express freely, say through meetings as such. Just my opinion.
The Social Zone Really freaks me out, I'm not one to hide my fears and talk about happy thoughts as I don't have any. I did venture into a few Groups or Sub Headings (I'm not so sure what to call them) to see what was there, but I felt my anxiety took over all of a sudden. Maybe it's something to watch, I don't know for sure?
I guess Isolation is something that has grown on me, and somehow I like it very much, but there's also the reverse that causes loneliness for which has been an enormous part of my life, so the two do work to some degree, but there's a space inside where I feel nothing, and I'm not sure what to do about it?
Thanks again Kaz,
Mark.

[Hard Liner]

Hi Geoff,
It is quite frustrating trying to find a suitable med as you have pointed out. Personally, at least for the last 13 years since my Seizures became a Real Problem, my Neuro has had me on all sorts of meds, oddly enough to find a balance within my life. I have had my Drivers License suspend so many times I stopped counting. In fact, I cant remember 😉
It's difficult knowing we have to up the dosages just to keep the seizures under control. I don't know what type of seizures I have, but I do know one thing, they caused me a lot of damage, and still do. There is a fine line to tread, accepting that I've endured this condition, which I still deny today because of no visual recorded evidence. I've even thought so far to install video cameras in my residence to see what happens, because everyone that has declared to see me having seizures has a different version of events, and it's difficult to accept.
I visit my GP and Neuro regularly. I've thought about 2nd opinions and still unsure of this as time becomes a negative to me in the process; ie testing, new meds, new specialists, etc. You're lucky to have a Psychologist and Doctor in one, I'm sure that would be comforting, I guess I would find an All-in-One 1 day, that would be good. I'd guess it could help with my Patience too.
Thanks for replying Geoff and hope to hear from you again,
Mark.

[Hard Liner]

Hi Paul,
Your Profile Pic looks like the V8's coming off Skyline down to the Dipper, or maybe from McPhillamy Park to Skyline, or maybe even to Forest Elbow. Yeah, I love the Bathurst V8's too Paul, I have since I was a kid. I'm a Holden Fan, always have been and always will be. I used to live 2 doors away from the ARDC when it was housed in Leichhardt in the 70's, always seeing Moffats car, Brocks car, the Saturday Meetings used to pack Norton Street and Surrounding Streets. Somehow, I've always had Greatness around me, and I was either too young or too blind to see it?
Personally, I'm an ACDC fan through and through. Parts of my family has either helped them, connected with them, and/or went to school with them, like Angus Young at Ashfield Boys High.
My two sons whom I don't see anymore were into hip-hop, or some other fast paced word songs that I know nothing about, they're about 25 and 23 now.
Bon and Angus and the Crew were my favourites, or good ol' Aussie Rock pub bands, like Rose Tattoo, Black Label, The Angels, some international bands but I Love and Support home grown mostly.

Mark.

[geoff]

hi Mark, I never knew when I would have a seizure, but I know that if I drank too much alcohol then I was sure of having one, and if the electricity in your brain has hay-wire, then one seizure leads onto another, unless medication can control it.
I would feel the same if anyone told me that I had a fit, and being a rather large man there would be no way they could do anything but wait until it's over and in the meantime call for an ambulance.
I have seen someone on the street having a fit and it is very scary, plus I have watched a seizure on youtube, again it's frightening.
My doctor/psychologist has left the practice awhile ago and moved somewhere else, but I had been seeing her for about 20 years and was shocked when she told me.
Do you want to put cameras up especially people have told you that it's happened, but when it's over and then don't know where you are, or what year it is, then it's obvious you have had a seizure. Geoff.

[Hard Liner]

Hi Geoff, controlling the seizures I understand can be a taunting subject. I have tried staying away from it which has taken a part of me away too, as in socialising. It's not that I had much of a social life whilst drinking, it's that abuse would get in the way from my family, which unfortunately has been going on forever. I can't control them or their alcohol and they cannot control I get abused by them. I was stuck in a corner for most of my life, and if they said that I had a seizure, I found it extremely difficult to believe them, this is why I brought up the video camera to be evidence, but also to counteract any abuse that might have been taking place. I was led to believe I was having seizures, but it felt like something else had happened, it was tormentingly hard to believe.
I'm aware that I would of had a seizure by the lack of memory, and now being in my own place, there is justifying evidence through cuts and abrasions I receive from the fits. The amount of memory lose I reach varies each time, depending on what shows up around my unit, ie blood trails, broken furniture and apparatus, etc.
Also, the video cameras were for me to try and understand better what was happening during, what took place before and after. I had also thought towards the future as I'm not getting any younger what would happen when it gets worse and no one is here, this question haunts me!
I know what fits has done to people and friends, and how it's taken their lives away. I'm trying my best to understand what best to do, and also More Importantly to my family that NO abuse is taking place! I've lost my life with them because of what has happened to me, whether it be through them or from me, I want them to understand that I'm taking Responsibility's for my Actions. I'm not being belittled anymore. If only the Department of Health could Help now, maybe I could get through this better and faster?
Who knows, we cannot predict the future, but we can help to change it!
Cheers, Mark.

[geoff]

hi Mark, thanks for continuing this conversation.
I know what you mean by broken furniture etc, I once woke up with my head that had fallen into the coffee table and my head was stuck in the middle of the table breaking the glass, which could have killed me, then over times the glass windows had been broken, then replaced only to wake up with another window broken, and all my family, friends could say that I was drunk and fell into them, this was when I was living byself as the wife had left me, abut we were still married, back then I didn't even think about having a seizure, until someone mention that this could be the cause as it was happening far too often, costing me lots of money and visits to have stitches wshere the doctor kept asking me if I have had a seizure, well how could I tell the doctor, because I had no idea.
It was the last fit where I had a boarder living with me who called for the ambulance, but while I was in hospital he went through all my personal files so he knew everything.
I do accept why you want to put cameras up, just as long as they aren't mishandled or deleted by your family.
You raise a very good point about what if you are alone, as my epilepsy was caused by an assault at work in the bottle shop it is a workcover claim, and they have agreed to pay for an alarm around my neck so if I have a fit the head base is notified and then they try and ring a couple of people, but if they can't get hold of any, then an ambulance is called with the police who are then able to legally break into my flat.
There is no way I could afford this myself as it costs $350 a month to monitor, but there are other alarms which you can get, and the best way is to google them, 'safety alarms around neck', or your telephone company can ring you everyday, but again that costs money and it maybe too late.
Getting The Department of Health to help is like wishing there is water on the Sahara desert. Geoff.

[Hard Liner]

Hi Geoff, thank you for understanding as I'm still trying to come to grips with this still myself. My family and Ex treated me the same way, blaming it all on alcoholism and drugs, both of them had travelled the same road, so it was hard for me to believe the stories which were being told. To this day, neither my family, my Ex, or myself has been able to provide substantial evidence that I've had seizures, I still question today the findings like the varieties of memory lose, which a lot Does make sense.
My last one was Nov last where I lost a significant amount of memory and came to with some scratches, I think it lasted about 2-3 days. But its the Major one that hit me Jan-Feb last year over 3 weeks, I Think about 15-25, but that's only guessing, and came too with cuts everywhere and major memory loss. Both these times I had not been drinking. I haven't touched a drop in about 4 years because the thoughts still scare me too.
I don't communicate with family anymore because of the abuse and live alone. I can't claim these seizures because of anything, although I've tried because of family abuse but the courts won't allow that! About the only thing I could do was wear an amulet stating I had Epilepsy. Wearing a monitor or having my phone company call me daily is an expensive exercise I cannot afford. I try not to look at the negative side but its more that there aren't too many positive things in todays world.
And Yes, you are right Geoff about the Department of Health 🙂 There was a time when I saw much more help from them and their services, but even getting them to believe my stories too is like waiting for a gold to drop in my hand, and then I'm sure I would gain many friends then too.
Cheers, Mark.

[Kaspa]

Hard Liner said:
I'm a Forum First Timer looking for Answers to Many Questions, Most of which just seem Impossible to be Answered.

I'm new on here too. I felt my issues were impossible to answer as well. Never feel like you're alone, a great deal of people with mental health issues, feel EXACTLY as you do. Coming here shows you're willing to make the changes and look within for the answers you seek.

Hard Liner said:
Not many people know how to help me with these because it was always hard to find someone who was Qualified enough to Help.

Long after I stopped using, I started working in the D&A sector, specifically pharmacotherapy treatments like methadone. I found it hard to help anyone older than me. It felt disrespectful for me to assume I could help. I learnt how wrong I was when one of my more mature clients said "Sarah, it don't matter if you're a youngin' What matters is you've been where all of us are and came out the other side willing to help'. She was right. Having what I call my "PhD in life" is why I CAN help anyone that's in a similar position. Ask if there's a Consumer Representative within your community. If there isn't one, inbox me and I'll see what I can do to help get one at your local health service. I'm proud to say I helped bring consumer representation into NSW Health's D&A sector. Mental health have had similar advocates for over 30 years! It was way overdue in this sector.

Hard Liner said: I've also had to resort to living on the streets at my lowest...

I lived rough during 15-18yrs of age. It felt like I'd never get out of it until I fell pregnant with my first baby. Obviously that can't happen with you but with the help of Beyond Blue and the skill set you possess but don't seem to realise you've ALWAYS HAD WITHIN YOU, will help you to come out the other side, better for your experiences. I personally offer you my help if you want it....just let me know... You're courage and sense of self is incredible! I find it hard to fathom that you don't feel you have what it takes to find the answers within you. If you had the right support, you will get to the point where you'll look back and think.."I can't believe I didn't se this in me earlier!" YOU CAN DO THIS. OWNING YOUR ISSUES IS THE FIRST STEP. THE REST COMES NATURALLY AS YOU LEARN TO TRUST URSELF AND GROW WITH YOUR MISTAKES BY TURNING THEM INTO LESSONS.

[Hard Liner]

Hi Sarah and Welcome,

I'm willing and able to look within myself, although the amounts of pain that arise still linger about and still cause unneeded pains. I realise from past experiences by sharing my story I may be able to lessen the burdens. As to be willing to make changes is an Awkward and Slow process for which I've been harmed from before. I've been in this position many times before, obviously feeling quite Vulnerable, and so to speak - Crows were diving from everywhere to have their picking. I was warned of this and these kind of people, however, there have been uncontrollable instances where I couldn't make decisions, and even now, I've had to resort to pushing away all the bad people and stuff to find the Good in me. I know there's some still left in me, it's just the where and the amount that counts right now. My experiences have also taught me to ask questions about the help I receive as some have wasted my time, and moreso money which I have little of, and be upfront. In most situations that arise today, getting the right help I try asking about ones qualifications and which road I may venture to, otherwise it's a waste of our time. I guard myself because of my past and look for goodness and richness!

As far as Consumer Representation, I cannot remember if I ever had one, I don't really know the answer to that question Sarah. I'm interested and would like more information about the Consumer Representation and what I Can Do, but I'm unsure how to inbox you?

As I may have said earlier, I have spent many times on the street living rough too, I've lost count the amount of times it's happened but I do remember the hard times as I'm sure we do. My mind went into Survival mode many times, I guess being a part of the Army brought that out in me. I've only shared a small part of me Sarah, hoping to start afresh. My kids grew up and went their own ways, more than likely just like I did. I've had family relationship problems I Never want to venture again, I'd like to move ahead but there's a fine line between helping and getting help.... Maybe we could talk again Soon, I'm not sure how.

Thank You for Listening and Understanding Sarah. May Peace be in Your World,
Mark.