Newbie - Lost and Wondering

Hard Liner · ‎08-10-2016

I'm a Forum First Timer looking for Answers to Many Questions, Most of which just seem Impossible to be Answered.

Most of my life I'm just a Stuff-Up to My Family, Friends, Anyone I have Met; I've just Pushed them Away. So far away that I don't Communicate with anyone anymore. I've sought Professional help when I've been at my lowest so many times I've lost count, I've just can't keep up anymore. I've resorted to many levels including drugs, alcohol, violence when I've felt there was no other way than walking or running away to try and forget my past, but it just keeps bighting me back. I've done Rehab to fix those I could but there was Always A Single Card Shown to me, That My Problem was with me, inside me, and so was the Answers, Being That I have Emotional Problems more than anything. Not many people know how to help me with these because it was always hard to find someone who was Qualified enough to Help.

I've also had to resort to living on the streets at my lowest, and on top of this along, Medical Problems, both Physically and Mentally. Some of the Physical setbacks are treated by Meds, and some are Incurable, but it's My Mental Health I see that taking a flogging, which in turn affects my weight gain, lack of confidence and even though GP's, Psych's, and Specialists can only do so much, I feel I've already run out of options, but one thing I've never let go is my ability to keep searching. Who knows, I may never find the answers, but I'd like to know I've come here to share My Ventures. I Hope You don't Mind?

Living on the Public System is Not a Benefit, It's a Nightmare, as well as Lack of Public Health Disappearing too, that has made it so much harder. I think I did have a life once but I was drowned out by the Extreme Lack of Support from my Family since Childhood and Medical Help. I want to share more and hopefully, maybe in time here, I can? I putting myself out into this Internet World for everyone to see. Thank You!

blondguy · ‎08-10-2016

Hi Hard Liner

Welcome to you!

You have a huge amount of strength to reach out like you have..You have been through the crapper and then some

There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you.....no worries. I have had acute anxiety from 1983 and then depression from 1996......(whose counting?) Using a AD every day for over 20 years and a anti-anxiety med prior to sleep...also for 20 years....

You are so very welcome to share your ventures here. I'm Paul and just one of the volunteers on the forums. Really nice to meet a special person like yourself.

I know you have been told the 'answer' is inside you. That can be cold comfort when you are striving to heal

you are not alone here Hard Liner in any shape or form....

it would be great to hear back from you 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

Hard Liner · ‎08-10-2016

Hi Paul and Thanks for replying. I'm Mark

My main Symptoms I'm aware of:

Bulging Discs in my lower spine, causing chronic pain and not sure what other effects it has. Known since 1999
Epilepsy & Seizures, They've been known since 1980, and the last bout had approx. 10-25 in 3 weeks January last Year, taking my memory away which I've slowly built up again with meds and over time. They're extremely difficult for Medicals to anything with because they're not sure where they come from. I've heard about the Miracle Cure Cannabis Oil has for this but it's still Illegal in parts of Australia 😞
I take Meds for Anxiety and Depression but they only do so much. Most meds I have taken don't do much or are addictive, which the GP has a Problem with.
I'm overweight too which has been a progressive slide, I think mainly due to the Depression. I used to be an activity maniac (Nice) and always watched what I ate and exercised regularly.

I'm half way through my life now and I feel like I can't find anything else to do because I cannot Physically walk properly which mentally gets me down, and turning 50 next year, well I know it's only a number but geez, I sure do feel it and older at times.

Communicating with my GP, Specialists, and even the local hospital is an extremely hard thing to do ever since public health care got cut along with the services too, and being on the Disability Pension doesn't allow me to cover all these costs, so now, most of the medical profession I seek attention off treat me like a No-Body, (This is Extremely Upsetting!).

I've turned to a lot of Online Sites like BB to get help, even chat online, but they can only give so much advice, mostly like visit my GP. So you see, I feel like I'm going around in circles 😞

I try not blaming people like the Australian Government and the Australian Medical Association over the Privatisation of Health Funds but there's a lot of people out there that Can't Afford It 😞

Any type of Relationships for me have failed, exactly why, I don't know why? Be it Family, Friends, or any other types it just too hard to cope with. I lock myself inside my place trying to find peace, knowing I should be getting out and about (Psych's and Counsellors Advice), but Fear seems to be my biggest issue. This is part of why I'm here. Maybe I can link up with other Forums from here? Time will tell?

Mark

blondguy · ‎08-10-2016

Hi Mark, thanks for posting back...its always nice to get a response

Just so I can digest your whole post properly......there are 2 points that may help now...(re anxiety & depression)...please bear with me if you can. I have had acute anxiety from '83 and then depression from '96...till present..

weekly counseling is gift against anxiety/and/ or depression....(i used a free community health worker)
the meds are there to provide a platform on which we can build our recovery.....I have been on low level AD's and a anti-anxiety every night for over 20 years....combined with all the coping mechanisms...the meds as you know are not a total fix.

You are not alone here Mark. Nice to meet you too, there are many kind and non judgemental people on the forums that can be here for you.

If we can get back to you that would be great.....You are not alone where relationships are concerned....they can be difficult and sometimes a stressor to a tired mind...I hear you loud and clear there Mark....as I have a tired mind

my kind thoughts for you Mark

Paul

geoff · ‎08-10-2016

hi Mark, I am very concerned from what you have said as it's been such a long journey for you, but not with much satisfaction so this then causes many problems for you, feeling as though no one really can help you.
It's great that you have come to the site.
I have grand mal epilepsy and know what the effects it has on me after an attack, not knowing where I am, not knowing what year it is and not even knowing who is Prime Minister, so the after effects are horrendous, plus it makes me incredibly tired and have to learn once again all my facilities, which confuses other people who don't know what a seizure actually means.
I have been well medicated for this, however the dosage is way beyond what the normal level should be, in fact three times the normal level which does make me tired but that's much better than having a seizure, so I put up with it, it has changed my social life, to the extent where I go to bed early and get up early, and this also suits my OCD.
Your spine has to be in pain all of the time, but you need money for this to be corrected, so it's always catch-22, because you have to wait in the public health system then who knows when it can be corrected.
Continuous pain relief injections tend to wear off after a period of time so their affect is not as good to when they first started.
No medication will help you if are suffering from all of these, in other words they don't connect in sync, where your pain relief for your back could be working so then your medication for depression/anxiety will start to work only until the pain disappears which makes the other medication seem worthless.
You have to realise that putting on weight is a secondary factor here, because these other illness's take far more priority, although I would expect your doctors would have told you to lose weight which will help your back, but that is only meaningless to you.
I have just touched on these issues but would really like to continue this chat with you. Geoff.

Kazzl · ‎08-10-2016

Hi Mark, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you've reached out to us and like Geoff, I'm concerned for you as you seem to have tried many options and the system's not working for you.

May I ask whether in your dealings with doctors and the hospital etc anyone has suggested having a support worker? There are a number of not-for-profit organisations that can provide these, not just the public health system. I expect you've been down that route, but if not maybe give it some thought.

Another thought mate - you could call our helpline on 1300 22 4636. It's staffed by professionals who know the various services better than we do. They might be able to help point you in a new direction to get the help you need.

And of course, keep posting here. Sometimes just the company of fellow travellers can make a difference and you are among friends here.

Very best wishes to you Mark.

Kaz

Hard Liner · ‎08-10-2016

Hi Geoff, My effects of Epilepsy and Seizures is very similar to yours, so much so I lose my memories of events and have to relearn too. It is incredibly frustrating and feels like I've lost my life in the process. My Neurologist keeps prescribing different meds to suit both the chronic pain and epilepsy to find a balance but my body becomes immune to them in a short time. I don't have a social life and have tried many alternatives like social workers as well with Government funded organisations.
Unfortunately, my Neurologist and GP have told me for the last 4-5 years I've exhausted all avenues, and surgery is too much of a risk which could do more harm than good.
Yes. I realise my weight gain is a Major Benefactor to me suffering, and I should exercise regularly, unfortunately this fine line between pain and exercising has been broken and I'm down to dieting, even gone through a Pain Management Program with No Help.
It's not often I try to reach out to others to find answers or moreso deal with them but I am trying. Acceptance is a Major Deal in my life and one to let go of or control, either way I'm always finding a little laneway and not a highway.
Mark.

Hard Liner · ‎08-10-2016

Hi Kaz, thanks for welcoming me.

Yes, I've tried Not-for-Profit Organisations, I was with each for over 6 months, and some for over 2 years to get help, and even though I received lots of help and advice they were very specific on how they help different people in different situations. They have their benefits, but when I try including medical problems they tend to opt out as they are not qualified enough to advise which way I should handle my case.
The Psychologists helped to a degree from here on although I still found myself lost and wondering what to do. My GP then suggested going back to rehab but I'd noted the Emotional Values were having more Significance on Problems in Relationships and that even though these were deteriorating and support was slowly disappearing I couldn't help but wonder Why, (or so I was told to ask 'How' & 'What') and where I could find help.
Being online has helped a bit, and trying to find a suitable site is Tedious, Tiring, and even difficult at times, but the search continues.
I hope somehow I can connect with people and maybe make new friends in the future.

Thank You, Mark.

Kazzl · ‎09-10-2016

Hello Mark, thanks for replying mate. I'm sorry the NFPs haven't been able to help. Is it possible to try them again if some time has passed since your last experiences with them? Just a suggestion, I'm sure you've probably already explored that.

Have you had a read around the boards on this forum? There are others here with chronic pain and physical issues that contribute to their depression. Perhaps you might find some helpful posts.

I wonder too whether you have tried meditation or mindfulness? Some people find when they're out of options for external help these practices can help them help themselves. Admittedly they're not for everyone, but perhaps worth a try?

Connecting with others, as you're doing here, can also help. I have found talking to fellow travellers, offering support and friendship has helped me. This might sound a bit hippy (and I'm not a hippy, I'm a rock chick😄) but it's about being part of a healing community. We help each other and share our good times and bad.

We have a Social Zone on the forum that you might like to check out - it includes a virtual cafe and lots of threads for just chatting about everyday stuff. If you feel like it, join in. Again, the company of fellow travellers can be soothing and healing. It won't fix your problems mate, but it might help ease the isolation, help you get your mind in a better place so you are better able to help yourself.

Very best to you Mark I hope to keep chatting with you here.

Cheers

Kaz

geoff · ‎09-10-2016

hi Mark, thanks for replying back, so firstly I want to say that my first neurologist had only given me 1 tablet to take for my condition, however he was not right as it turned out to be, because that's why I had these grand mal seizures, but I have to say he was such a lovely chap who has now passed on.
Then I started seeing my psychologist who was also my GP and needed to know why I was having these seizures so I had a blood test with the results showing that I was well under what I should be taking to control them, and after awhile the balance between one tablet with another one for my epilepsy settled in between the range it should be, but it did take awhile to get this balance, so now it is controlled, but still need regular blood tests.
I wouldn't worry about your social life now, you have to get this balance in medication right even before you would even start to begin any socialising.
If this was me then I would be getting another opinion, everyone has their own ideas where some may suit you or whether they don't and remember my GP was the one that helped me the most, not a neurologist.
I don't care that the dosage is triple the normal amount because I know that's what I need to take to stabilise me.
With your blood levels they should be between a certain range, and just for example let's say 0- 60 which to many doesn't mean anything, but to your doctor it means the world becausse then he/she will know whether the dosage has to be increased or lowered.
Let me give you a rather trivial example, one person knows how to cook the perfect steak, compared to someone else who will cook it their way, completely different, so in other words you need to seek treatment from other doctors, who's decision on what to do for you is completely different, and if they are no help then try someone else, you have to do this to finally get some pleasure out of life.
If my psych/doctor didn't have the foresight to investigate why I was having grand mal seizures then I could still be having them, and as you know it's not pleasant in any stretch of imagination. Geoff.