Newbie & a little bit confused. Introduction :-)

[Libbei]

Apologies if this is the wrong place to introduce myself. I'm new to this and a little bit confused on how to navigate.

My name is Libbie, i'm 19 and i've struggled with major depressive disorder for the past 6 or 7 years or so. A large portion of my life, anyway, which started from an event in late primary school.
This year, particularly this last month have been difficult for me and i'm currently in the middle of a pretty gnarly depressive episode. Trying to adjust to life out of school was hard & I had what can best be described as an existential crisis. Not long after that my cousin/friend ended his own life which furthered my depression. There were times when I thought I could understand why he left, like theres nothing good in the world.
I was angry a lot, sad a lot, easily irritated and generally didn't want to be around.

I believe this put a big strain on my relationship with my then boyfriend. This last month has been hard for me when he unexpectedly dumped me. I do miss him, he was my best friend. I feel a lot of self loathing, like it was my fault. like a failure. Like i'm too difficult to be around. It would be easy to blame my illness but I think it's just me. I tried very hard to be a good girlfriend but in the end I just wasn't good enough. Too much & not enough all at the same time.
Those are some feelings I'm working through.
I also don't feel like a real person. it's hard to describe. I feel like i've always built my identity on the people around me, and now I have no idea who I am. Or what I enjoy.

Anyway, i'm on here to hopefully get/provide some support with some likeminded peeps. I tend to get worked up & sad at night time, so i'd love to hear suggestions on how you guys calm yourselves down when you feel a panic attack/depression session coming on. lol.

So yeah. That's me. 🙂

[geoff]

hi Libbei, welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment.
Having been struck with depression for a good part of your life and only been 19 is way too long, and the reason why is because you could be suffering from PTSD, not that I am qualified to diagnose you, but being through this type of depression it's fair to say that that's what I would say to my sister, plus it has been exasperated by the loss of your cousin ending their life and then your b/friend deciding to leave you, so you a lot to try and cope with.
Even though you try and be a good g/friend you were doing what you could do, but with you there are problems in the back of your mind that prevented you from doing what you think to be the perfect g/friend, but no one can be perfect, because each one of us do have concerns in the back of our mind, which could prevent you from thinking to be his best choice.
Some people are not prepared to try and understand their partners depression, they don't want to have to cope with it or even try and help you, so the easiest way for them is to leave.
I'm not sure that anybody can be a real person, maybe that's what we try and achieve and I suppose that's what we aim for.
To build your identity on those around you can be good and it can be bad, because it hooks you into the pecking order, so once the person you admire falls out of favour then you feel lost, however if you have someone who wants to help you then they can pick you up when you feel down, but now your b/friend has gone now you don't have anyone to support you.
Can I suggest that now is the time to see your doctor sothat they can get the ball rolling for help, that's what we do for any med's we are taking to have them reviewed and for them to put you on a mental health plan which entitles you to 10 free sessions with a psychologist.
You can't struggle through this by yourself, that's why you need another person to 'pick you up'. Geoff.

[check-in_chick]

Hi Libbei,

sounds like you're having a crappy time of it right now. Do you have a psychologist or other professional you see? Talking about the feelings and thoughts you have in a caring and safe place and learning some skills to help you cope with how these impact your mood can be very helpful. Also, good sleep, exercise, and good food makes a huge difference. It seems obvious and it won't give you an instant "oh wow that makes me feel so much better" but it will give you a healthy basis to build the rest on. It has taken me a long time to understand the importance of those 3 simple things to building a healthy body and mind.

Welcome to the beyond blue community. There are a lot of people living through similar experiences as you and you will always find it an empathetic space to share.

Ros