New here - worried about my brother

[Julie3392]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I'm a 27 y/o female and as much as I would like to share more about myself, I'll do that in another post as I am currently more worried about my older brother.

My family is from a Southeast Asian country. I have just graduated from an Australian uni and 'intend' to work here for a couple of years (a story for another time). The rest of my family are back in our homeland. My older brother has always been the most academically brilliant one in our family, but my parents never really pressured him to get good grades - he just does. He has always been noted to be quiet and introverted, but when since he turned 18, he seemed to become more distant from us and his friends. At 21, he dropped out of second year of uni and since then, he became even more withdrawn from us and his friends and stopped talking to us. He did not attend his then best friend's wedding nor our other brother's wedding (the only thing he has attended with us is a close uncle's funeral). He's now 35, but since he dropped out, he has not really left the house other than shopping for groceries (he cooks his own food and doesn't eat with us). He hasn't been going for any training, courses or work (in other words, NEET) as far as I'm concerned, unless he has been doing all this online. He gets angry when my parents suggest getting professional help, so I don't think he's getting any.

My mother tends to blame it on video games and to be honest, I highly doubt he's addicted to video games. It's definitely more than that. But my parents don't really believe in mental illnesses like depression. To them, especially my mum, it's more like laziness, lack of motivation or just being down in the dumps. That's why it's so hard to open up to them. Our other brother, who's the oldest of the 3 of us, doesn't seem to understand it either, and he seems to be more interested in making himself a successful businessman. But honestly, I'm no better. I didn't know what to do back then. My brother and I have a 8 year age gap, and I did not understand much about mental health issues until I developed some myself a few years ago. I feel horrible because I was the closest to him in the family, yet I didn't do anything. My parents and relatives always tell me I'm the only one who can help him. I have been battling my own demons for the past few years, but I have always felt guilty for not helping my own brother. I genuinely want to help him and hope for some advice on how to start.

[Croix]

Dear Julie3392~

I can very well understand your concern for you brother, however I'd first like to say that in order to do anything you need to be in a secure position yourself. You mentioned you have mental health issues and have been battling you own demons.

May I ask if you have medical support? Trying to keep going by yourself, particularly in a family that does not sound very understanding, is a hard way to do things, and if you are like me never improved without that support.

If you have not can I suggest you see your GP in an extended consultation and set matters out and see what happens?

Your brother - if I understand you -has been a recluse for 14 years or so, and that was after dropping out of uni. Such a long-standing way of life would not be possible to change, if warranted, without a great deal of effort and upheaval.

I would suggest simply trying, at this stage, to become someone your brother likes to be with, doing things you both enjoy. As time goes on you may find what he wants, what he thinks about his life. What he perceives as being wrong. It will be different from the knee-jerk reaction to being told by his mother to 'get help', a gentler slower process.

The fact you have a mental health condition may be a help, in fact if it gives him the opportunity to understand and help you then that would be great.

This is not something to give quick answers to, if you would like to talk more you would always be welcome.

Croix