New here! Also brought along my 6 years worth of depression

[badbye]

I've never done anything like this before so hopefully i do it right. I just need a place to vent since I literally have no where else to go since I always avoid plaguing my family/friends with my troubles.

Anyways, like the title said I've been living with depression for 6 years now. I'm currently 21. There's a certain thing that happened in the beginning that definitely offset it, and honestly if I had handled it back then I wouldn't be so bad now, but me being me I didn't. I just bottled it up along with every bad thing that happened to me. Also from me being 14 or so until 18 i just had terrible anxiety. I still have it now but more in the form of social anxiety but its being very much overshadowed by my depression. I just feel myself going very much downhill and the only thing keeping me afloat is this music group who I adore.

Yeah I'm not exactly sure what I want from this, I guess like I said just to vent. I think seeing a therapist will help me immensely but I'm just so closed off I feel just gross? i guess anytime i share my feelings. I'm not sure why I'm that way, maybe I've grown to it over the past 6 years. Anyways I guess that's it. Thanks to anyone who read this! Hopefully I actually post I'm feeling kinda anxious right now haha.

[smallwolf]

Hi badbye,

Welcome to beyond blue.

If you just want to vent that is fine. And if that does not work, there are other options including professional help. If, how and when that choice is made is up to you. I have been seeing a psychologist for over a year now. Reading your post and reflecting on what I talk about with my psychologist would indicate that a lot my issues started around a similar to you. My issues though relate to feeling as though I was never good enough and then there were other things. But like you (?) I would bottle it up and then over 30+ years, gets worse and worse. So out of that I guess the good news is - there is hope. Even writing down your thoughts here can be helpful, since it gives you an opportunity to get what you are thinking out of your mind and put somewhere else.

So what can you do....

Is there anyone that you can talk to? Family? Friends? But you also said that you have problems sharing your feelings. And probably that is the benefit of talking with a professional, a certain anonymity, and knowledge that what you say is in confidence, but you also get the tools to help manage these thoughts etc.

On the forums here there are threads that you can also look at. Based on what my psychologist covers with me, the threads on grounding and mindfulness are useful. These threads cover distraction and various coping strategies for anxiety and depression.

Then there are apps and books. I know there are some threads on the forums here, but not sure exactly where to look for those. My psychologist recommended 2 apps to me. Plus 1 book to read. If you are interested I can tell you names of each.

Most importantly, know that you are not alone. The users in this forum know what it is like and have a lived experience. They will chat you to you (via posts) and support you in this journey.

Peace and best wishes,

Tim

[sister moon]

Hi Badbye,

Thank you for posting and well done it is tricky to do.

Please don't be hard on yourself for bottling things up and not dealing with them at the time. You are certainly not alone in doing this.... and sometimes while it may not be the "best" way to deal with things it is what we need to do to cope and get by at the time. We can only ever start where we are now and try not to be harsh on our younger selves.

One thing that might help as well as on here if you don't feel up to talking face to face to a psychologist just yet (this is something that I highly recomend doing but I understand its confronting) is use one of the life line or beyond blue phone or text services and start there. I found that I had a lot of fear and shame to begin with and I wasn't sure what would happen if I spoke about my thoughts feelings and particular events. It was still very hard to do on the phone but I simply was not at the stage I could talk face to face yet. When I did speak and I was heard and supported and the sky didn't fall in or any of the things I feared. I became more confident to slowly get the face to face help I needed, and slowly open up. I have had therapy for a few years now and I still on occasion do this if there is something I am not sure if I can say face to face just yet.

You are not alone. Well done and welcome.

sister moon