My introduction... Hello

[David Nobody]

Hi, it was suggested to me to visit here and share my experiences.

Depression combined with Aspergers makes my life difficult.

One day I woke up and found myself inside a mental “facility” and started using “documenting my thoughts” as a coping technique. That escalated to becoming my main avoidance technique.

I showed what I wrote to some people and they suggested I try to publish them. This only added to my stress.

After much time I have finally done that. Now I am trying to get someone to read my “story” to assist in understanding what goes through the mind of a depressed individual. My “book” is a collection of poetry with related commentary. I have been told it is good, but as one of my major “schema” is Negativity/Pessimism, I don’t know if I believe them.

Anyway, I’m here to share a bit of my story...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi David,

Good on you for sharing some of your experiences here with us. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Living with both depression and Asperger’s must be tough...thanks so much again for sharing.

You seem to have a lot of self insight, and have learnt a lot from your experiences. I hope writing the poetry was cathartic. Personally, I think it’s great that you received positive feedback for it...even if you’re not sure if you believe them...

It’s good to have you here and it would be lovely to hear more of your story (only when and if you feel like sharing).

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[David Nobody]

Hi Pepper,

yes I have learnt a lot and have a great deal of self insight. Doesn’t help me be “normal”. And yes I know there is no identifiable “normal”. But whatever it is, it isn’t me.

Talking about myself isn’t a problem. In fact, that is what I do best. So much so, my story, which will be the same every time, will become monotonous, predictable, and always depressing. (I don’t mean it to, it just happens). I will probably reply to everything that is asked of me and probably in the form of a poem.

Me

Me
Not you
Approves me
Why should I try
What’s left up to me
Who handed you the right
To tell me what should be me
How I’ve endured, most of this life
Shadowed behind the mask that is me
I’ve lived here scarcely, in this lonely world
Shouldn’t this world, be chosen by me
I have had some struggle and strife
Explain, please explain to me
Do you think I just might
Want to be like me
Answer me why
Support me
Warm to
Me

[smallwolf]

Hi David,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I am typically a glass 1/2 empty and quite critical about what I like, and I want to let you now that I really liked your poem.

Jumping into the fire with something like publishing a book is really putting yourself out there and exposing yourself to the public.

Can I ask you a question... Does your head and heart give you different answers to same question? Your head gives you a logical answer and your heart gives you an emotional answer. There are questions that I have been asked I can easily answer with "Yes I deserve..." but the answer of my heart is the "No, I do not deserve...".

Tim

[David Nobody]

Hi Tim,

thanks for your “like”.

I find I can only express myself in poetry, unless it is in answer to a question.

Excellent question... My head is extremely logical. 1+1 always = 2. It tells me that I have a right to be happy, and it tells me that I am not happy.

I don’t understand my heart (I assume you mean feelings), but it where I go to find the excuses I need to justify (to myself usually) my not being happy.

I constantly write about my heart being “broken”, so that tells me I must have been “happy” at some stage, to have something that could be broken or forgotten...

I have all but given up trying to be “happy” because my head tells me that it will end someday. But my heart gets excited about the possibility when it presents itself, only to be squashed my my negative self opinion.

Hope that answers the question.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi David (and a wave to Tim and all),

I think it’s great how expressive you are through poetry. I wonder if it’s carthatic for you to write...emotionally unload difficult feelings through poetic verse...

You sound as though you’re feeling very alone, and perhaps you’re still figuring out your place in the world. A “place” around others who accept (and value) you as you are...

I hope you feel free to share any thoughts and/or poems whenever you like. It’s lovely to hear from you and get to know you a little.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[David Nobody]

Hi Again Pepper,

I thank you for your compliment... This is what I have learned to do through “treatment”.

And you are spot on. Writing is my avoidance of the world, including the pain I feel and the comfort that could be provided.

I'll Believe You

One day you came along, lifting my world
Around your little finger I was curled
You have furnished me with all of your charms
Kept you snug and warm, comfort in my arms

Simple things in life include holding hands
In future events, we are making plans
A life together, this is what I know
Wonderful chance given to us to grow

All the time we spend together as one
Happiness shall never become undone
When the day comes, and you say “I love you”
I realise my daughter, I’ll believe you

I cry every time I read this

I wrote a lot of *these* explanations in my book just so I don’t forget why I wrote them. This one was because I can’t remember if it ever happened, and I think/know that it won’t ever happen.

[Doolhof]

Hi David,

I commented just a moment ago on the other thread you started with a wonderful poem about sadness and depression.

I see you have explained a little more of your story here.

Depression can seem like a very lonely journey at times. It can make it hard to reach out to others.

I'm pleased you have found this place and hope you feel comfortable here.

Cheers from Dools

[David Nobody]

Hi again Dools...

I don’t feel comfortable unless it is behind a keyboard.

I don’t understand “people”... Depression doesn’t *seem* to be a lonely journey... it is.

[David Nobody]

Hi Dools,

no offence taken.

I always prefer conversation and truth.