Mature age only child who’s parents are splitting up

[Brian90]

Hi Guys

I’m 30 years old and an old child with very little family.
Sorry to ‘rip the band aid off’ but My Father has diagnosed depression, is quite suicidal and has just told my Mum he wants to seperate.
it’s come from no where. They were amazing parents and had no arguments or violence growing up, just normal loving parents.

mum is now in shock and very upset.

They’re both seeking counciling & mental health services but the visits are so far spread apart. My Grand mother is 94 and has very little time left. She’s on my fathers side and he was also an only child. They’re very close.

im very worried about the near future..

Anyone able to give me advice who may have been in this situation?

[Sophie_M]

Hi there Brian90,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for taking the time to write this post and share what has been going on for you recently. It is always very difficult finding out that a family member is suicidal and going through depression. This must be hard for you and your whole family. Feeling worried is really normal way to feel in response to something like this, it can take a huge toll on us knowing the people we love the most are suffering.

If you or your family members would ever like to talk these feelings through, please contact us anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. It can be helpful at times like this to speak with a counsellor who can listen to you and help gude you into the best avenue to access support.

We hope you find some comfort and support from other members of the forum.

Warm Regards,

Mod Support.

[geoff]

Hello Brian, thanks for posting your comment.

With your dad wanting to separate doesn't mean that this arrangement is going to be final and leave no chance of them reuniting, some people decide they need time to overcome how they are feeling and seek help from a psychologist, but understand after having ' no arguments or violence' in their marriage must come as a complete shock to you and your mum.

Sometimes it's able to give them time to sort out the right from the wrong and whether an agreement can be made is entirely up to them, however, people with depression and wanting to end their life may say they want to separate for reasons, that seem inappropriate at the time.

Have you considered going to counselling with them or either of them, because at times if your dad does go, may not make him any happier than he once was, not until he is able able to overcome these feelings he has, and another option is if he is admitted to hospital, so he is kept safe.

Please get back to us at any time you're available.

Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I agree with Geoff with counseling, even if your dad learns ways of staying friends with your mother.

At this point giving himself time out might be an idea. Essentially, you might think they've had a great marriage but obviously your dad hasn't been happy for reasons known only to him.

Encourage time out but with the occasional meal out or night away. Gentle ideas.

TonyWK

[Brian90]

Hey Sophie, Tony & Geoff.

thanks so much for reaching out to me. It’s the first time I’ve used this service so I’m very happy to see such quick responses. Helpful ones at that 🙂

ive got no doubt some space is what they need. The arrangements Is a 3 bedroom house and a 2 bedroom unit/house on the same block of land.

mum has the house and dad has the unit. Mum still loves Dad very much so living 20 metres away is going to be very difficult short & long term. I’m not sure how sustainable it will be and they need to put each other first.

Dad thinks it will all work fine with him coming and going, shared groceries, laundry, occasional meal, Dad using things from the main 3 bedroom house ect.. But early days Mum doesn’t want this. She’s thinking of a clean break. (Which I understand, support & respect)

it’s interesting you guys recommend me going to counseling sessions with them. I’ve never considered that. I think I’ll offer it for sure. I’ve offered to sit down with them both and try ‘workshop’ things but they’ve preferred to keep me out of that. Which I get but I think I can still help.

Some background,

my Mum hasn’t always had a loud voice in their marriage. Dad has often answered questions on behalf of Mum when people ask her. Dad isn’t trying to dominate it’s just his personality. He over looks how Mum’s feeling and they’ve always been poor communicators sadly. Just little things like I’d get dropped off at a friends place and I’d say “tell dad I won’t be home for tea” then Dad would call at 6 saying “where are you?? I’ve put a steak on for you for tea and your not here??”
this always happened around sleepovers and kicking around with mates as a teenager. Just poor communication. So no doubt since I’ve moved away, got married and have a 6 month old daughter. I’m no longer there to patch up or fill holes in their communication.

I know there’s nothing I can do about it but I think Mum will want to sell everything and start new but dad will try talk her out of it and could play ‘games’ to try ensure the property and living arrangements fall his way.
I just hope Mum has the courage to try get her way. But I hope Dad can see there’s a chance he may have to pack up and get a new home. This would be too much for him and depression could spike.

hopefully the psychologist can get to work on dad soon. He’s 75% of his way through dumping his mind to him.

mum about to start her sessions April 19

thanks again guys

Have a great day

Brian

[geoff]

Hello Brian, thanks for getting back to us.

Dual occupancy can work for two distinctively different people, but with parents who share the same house for the occasional meal and/or appliances may or may not work and can be considered as not being separated, and the decision has changed from your father over to your mother to make a clean break.

We definitely hope that depression doesn't arise here with either of them and we'll cope with that when it happens, so please keep this in mind.

I can't say what will happen or tell you what may eventuate, but from what you've told us, your mum seems to want to have some freedom and voice her own opinions, and remember you have a lovely 6 month old daughter so your hands are full at the moment, look after yourself and your new family.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.