Lost

[Lucy23]

So I’ve just recently signed up to BB, never posted before, so I’m not really sure what to expect but I feel as though I am out of options.

I’m late 20s, and had anxiety / depression since my late teens. Been struggling allot lately. Tried therapy off and on, meds and everything else that’s meant to help, but I just keep finding myself falling back to the same dark spot over and over again. I get to a certain point where I feel therapy is just a bandaid and sooner or later just going to fall back down again.

I have all of the things you’re meant to have by the time you are this age, house, partner all of that.. but no matter what I always find myself here. Thinking it would be easier if I could just disappear. Yet I don’t have the guts to actually do anything about it.

I reach a point where death seems more peaceful than life. I feel like such a wet blanket to my partner, he is always trying to help. It must be tiring.

I honestly don’t even know what I expect to get out of posting this, it just feels like nothing I do will ever change the way I feel inside. Lost and numb…

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lucy23,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, you also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences. 

We are sorry to hear that you have been struggling a lot lately and that you feel so lost and numb. We understand this must be such an awful feeling, especially since you have been trying to manage this since your late teens and feel like you are out of options. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Wizard1]

Hi Lucy23,

I too would also like to welcome you to the forum. It is very brave of you to open up to us here. My heart goes out to you and your post has touch me more than you could possible know.

My suggestion is to follow up with the sources Sophie has mentioned and to keep looking for options that might help you. For example, you could keep posting here. Even start a new thread if you think that helps. I would also try reading other threads here, you may find other people in similar situations that you can talk to or even help each other.

Do you have a close friend or family you highly trust, is open minded and is a good listener? Maybe talking to them about how you feel could also help.

Your partner also sounds like a loving person from what I can tell. Don't dwell on thoughts about how tiring it is for you partner. Love is verb, it is more a thing you do than a feeling you have. If you partner is helping you as you described above then he is showing you that he loves you.

The journey ahead of you will be tough but there is solution out there for you, you just have to keep looking.
Wizard

[therising]

Hi Lucy23

I feel for you deeply as you question your way through depression. It can be such a torturous experience, esp when answers just don't seem to be coming in.

You're blessed to have such a supportive partner. Easier said than done but try not to beat yourself up too much when it comes to him not being able to make a difference to you. Mental health challenges along with the challenges that coincide with our personal growth can be incredibly complex in so many ways. I've found that some challenges can take hours to work out, some can take days, some weeks, some months and others years. The ones that take years tend to be those that can seriously mess with mental health. Personally, it took me years to work out the depressing aspects that can come with being a people pleaser. If I had my time again, I would have managed my years in depression with being far less pleasing. Of course, this would have seriously challenged and triggered people along the way.

To my husband who didn't believe in depression, until I came out of it at the end of 15 or so years, I would have said 'The fact that you don't believe is of absolutely no help to me. Get it together you closed minded bleep and do a bit of research because I'm struggling to stay alive'. To the psych I saw, I may have said 'All this analysis and small talk is not offering me any life changing mind altering revelations. Why not? Why does this feel like a complete waste of my time?'. To the people who prescribed the different anti depressants, I may have said 'People, this process is thoroughly depressing. Why is there not a better plan in the way of managing all these meds not working for me?'. Looking back, I realise I was tolerating what was basically intolerable, yet at the time my mantra was 'What's wrong with me? Why's nothing working?' The truth: I was managing an intolerable life and this is something I now give myself credit for, as should you.

I'm more a mind/body/spirit gal now, which tends to put me in touch with feeling my way through life. Interpreting feelings can be deeply challenging at times. If there's one thing that is easiest to feel, it's intolerance. It can feel horrible, torturous, deeply depressing, angering and challenging. Complete intolerance pushes us to the limits and sometimes beyond. It can push us to scream, to vent, to rant and...to seek change.

While an insensitive person feels little, a sensitive person holds the ability to feel everything (including their thoughts).

[geoff]

Hello Lucy, and a warm welcome to the forums.

What you've told us has happened to many people and know exactly what you are saying and not only does this make us feel worse, but eventually disappoints our partner/spouse who is doing their best to try and help us.

As you are 25 and under you can contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online, these are trained counsellors and their dress code is wearing casual clothes, which seems to break down a barrier and make it much easier to speak with them.

There is always the belief when someone is suffering from any type of depression that they won't be cured, but try and know that this can happen, remember that there must be many different tasks that you are unable to solve by yourself, and I say this because our mind keeps visiting impossible tasks which we need help to slowly work through.

Your comment is very important, so when you have time please get back to us.

Geoff.