I've been like this for a long as I can remember, which pretty much means I've always been like this.
Most of the time it didn't have a proper name. People (including my parents) would often say that I was shy or not feeling well. Teachers called me lazy and even stupid! I hated school, and performed abissimally at it, which made me feel even worse.
My mother had it too. I think it was common amongst stay-at-home mums with little kids. Back then they called it meloncholy, or bad nerves and the treatment was "a Bex and a lie down". The Bex didn't seem to do mum much good, so she supplimented it with scotch and cigarettes.
Travelling through life with it hasn't been great. It stopped me from enjoying myself. It stopped me from taking risks (even small ones). It made me scared of the world. It kept trying to hurt and even kill me by making me feel bad about myself, and even worse, by making me believe what others said about me.
Even as an adult it followed me, never letting me forget it was there to make me miserable, to make me fail, to make me ill. And still it didn't have a name.
After I lost me job I had a lot of time alone - time to think. Things got bad. Really bad. My head ws increasingly being filled with bad thoughts. Negative thoughts that brought me to my knees. I couldn't go outside. I couldn't function.
I ended up in a hospital where they treat mood disorders. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression with a side order of PTSD from being mercilessly bullied at school. At least now it had a name.
That was two years ago. Since then I've seen psychiatrists and therapists, tried a number of drugs - some of which made me (a bit) beter and others that made me a lot worse. I've had uncontrollable shaking, drowniess and some unbearable headaches - all in the name of find the right meds.
Things are a little better now. I am now on meds that help me to feel OK most of the time. Not great, but OK. I also regularly see a pschiatrist. Our little talks definately help.
I have good days, and I have bad days. But, most importantly I am trying to look forward to a time when I can control it, instead of it controlling me.
You've probably heard this all before (and possibly felt it too).
I hope I didn't bore you to much 🙂
