Just a question

[64Ana]

I’m new here. I’m 53 and my sister passed away three months ago unexpectedly. She was 54 and my best friend.

since then I have had pain almost daily. Chest pain mainly but originally all sorts of pain. I still get the odd arm pain, abdominal pain and head pains. I have had numerous tests on my heart and they say physically I’m fine.

I have developed a fear of dying or someone in our family dying. It’s not so much the death but the fear of the pain caused to those left behind.

I am seeing my GP and have had two sessions with my psychologist so far. I accept my diagnosis of anxiety and depression and I accept that I’m angry. I am doing everything I’ve been asked to do ie meditation and breathing and keeping a journal of how I feel and writing something positive that I’m thankful for daily.

Nights are worse when the fear comes and when I’m alone. I’m not the person I was and all I want to do is grieve and cry without pain. When I cry the pain is worse and then the palpitations come. Since this happened I have had two days of no pain.

My question is when will this physical pain leave me? I feel I can deal with the rest in time, but I don’t just hurt physically, it still scares me. I try not to monitor it as I’ve been told but sometimes I am not good at it. I’m just so sad.

[White_Rose]

Dear Ana

Hello and welcome to the forum. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your sister. It is such a huge loss and I imagine you are very lonely on your own.

When my sister died I felt pretty much as you do now. Those who are close to us leave such a hole when they pass away. It will take time for you to heal I'm sorry to say and it does hurt physically as well as emotionally. Chest and arm pains are quite common but always need to be checked in case it is something other than a panic attack. Are you saying "What's this about a panic attack?". It sounds very much like panic because you are worrying about your family and further deaths.

Being angry is one of the symptoms of loss. There is a recognised list of feelings to do with loss. Being sad, angry, anxious, shocked, regretful, overwhelmed, isolated, irritable, numb, in physical pain. These do not happen one at a time and we move backwards and forwards through the various feelings. I thought I had come to terms with my sister's death 12 years ago and could think of her without pain. And yet a few days ago, in front of a room full of people, I started to make a comment about my sister and fell apart in tears.

To answer your question, yes the pain will gradually go away and you will be able to remember your sister and the good times you had together. Grief may sneak up on you from time to time but not with the gut-wrenching pain and sobs you are experiencing now. Your sadness will decrease to a manageable level as you move though all this difficulty.

I would encourage you to write about your sister. If there are other family members nearby then talk to them about her. I know people steer away from talking about the death of a loved person but in reality it makes coping so much easier. You need to remind yourself of the enjoyable times you had, the funny things that happened as well as the sad. The way your sister had of speaking or how she had a reputation for doing something, good or funny. Write about it as well as writing your feelings.

Not convinced about being thankful every day as it is unrealistic. Your grief needs an expression in any way that helps. This may be writing, singing, painting, visiting your favourite spots, in short anything constructive to help you through this time. Thinking positively when you hurt so much is not constructive. Talk to your psych about your sister and tell him/her how lovely she is. How is the meditation going? I hope this helps.

Mary

[64Ana]

Thanks for your response. It helps. Sorry question was just about when does the pain go away. I’m not alone I have a husband and he is a former sufferer of anxiety. He helps me but he has never had the pains like this. I do talk to my family, I have a mother and another sister. Sometimes we are all too close to it and that’s why I came here. I wrote every day for two months and now I’m keeping this other journal.

I can’t wait to allow the nice memories to come. I will talk to the psych about her. Meditation is good when it works but I can’t always do it and so I keep trying.

thanks so much for the condolences and for replying. It helps.

[Jigsaw9]

Ana

Sorry to hear about your sisters passing. My condolences to you and may you be given the strength to deal with her loss. The death of a loved one is always difficult and i commend you for coming here as a means of getting help.

I would say the reason why you are hurting is because it is still relatively fresh. I would say it is normal to feel that way up until about a year after her death. In saying that, i hope you take much less to heal.

Your husband, mother and sister are good starting points to share your pain. This is because you are all in the same boat, particularly your mother and sister. Try to start a trend where you sit together and celebrate all the good things she done in her life. Hope that helps and let us know how you are tracking.

[64Ana]

Thanks for your message. I think our problem is that when we get together we don’t say all the positive things or celebrate, rather we get caught up in the should haves. I think it’s partly cultural but I will try that next time we are together. Thank you again.

[Jigsaw9]

Ana

I'm excited to hear the outcome of your next 'get together'. This is a friendly place where you won'y be judged and i hope you continue to update us on your progress.