Surviving narcissism

[Jigsaw9]

Greeting to all

I firstly want to say hi to everyone and great to be a part of this online community. I hope it allows me to heal from the suffering that has been happening to me. I recently found out that i have been the victim of a narcissist. It is my older brother. He has actively been trying to destroy me and everything i stand for. Doing his best to get me divorced, make me lose my job, control my life in every possible way. He also caused problems between me and my parents, my siblings and my friends. This is over an 8 year period. Over this time period everyone around me started to disappear. First it was my friends that i lost. Then my siblings. Then my parents also alienated me. Although we were pushed right to the edge and our marriage was on the rocks, thankfully he wasn't able to get me divorced. I just hope noone feels the pain and suffering that i do. I have started to fix the relationships that were shattered as a result but it will take time. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope post-narcissistic abuse? Any help will be much appreciated.

Thank you

[PamelaR]

Hello Jigsaw and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

I'm pleased you've found your way to our community. My mother had, and my elder brother has narcissistic tendencies, so I understand and my heart goes out to you. I coped by getting as far away as possible from both and having little contact. I grew, I developed as an individual and became empowered.

Trauma therapy has been part of my life for a decade or more to enable me to cope with my life. The psychologists I've had during this time have been well-informed and helped me to heal.

Some of the things that I've learnt as I've recovered are:

To give myself time to heal and ‘let go’. Not to rush the process or to bypass the pain. What I went through was a serious trauma has long-term effects. It is no necessary to wish your abuser well – if you’re truly not feeling that way, it only invalidates your emotions and sweeps them under the rug.

All emotions are valid and can’t be bypassed to get to the other side of healing. I learnt avoiding emotions because I was taught that certain emotions like anger are ‘toxic’ is incorrect. It was essential I address it, validate it and process it. Anger fuelled my motivation to keep going, even when I wanted to stop the process of recovery. It was very useful to motivate and empower me.

Anger motivated me to see I was worthy of love, safety, respect and compassion in all facets of my life. It compelled me to set firmer boundaries in relationships. Anger was a reminder I deserved so much better than what I went through. There were layers to my anger - severe pain, fear, anguish and other emotions involved in grieving.

I did try to desensitise myself to the pain. It often felt like I was in a washing machine with my various emotions – e.g. anger, fear, grief, loss being tossed about in the agitator before being hung out to dry (heal). During this dark period, my psychologist had to remind me that I wasn't being destroyed, even if it feels like you are. I was being cleansed and reborn.

Healing is not linear – it's cyclical. I went through the journey many times, in many different ways, before I began to see progress. I learnt it's okay to be not okay. It’s okay to be gentle with myself, to trust in the integrity of my choices and of my inner guidance.

I made the right decision to leave the state, while my heart & mind reeled from the trauma, my soul breathed a sigh of relief, and said, “Thank you.”

Keep reaching out Jigsaw if you want to. You're not alone.

PamelaR

[Jigsaw9]

PamelaR

Thank you for your post. Your experience has really inspired me. Dad is not making things much easier. Lat night he came to my house and blasted me for not making peace with my brother. I have even learnt to avoid speaking to my parents as it is all they discuss and im quite sick of it. I have also cut contact with my brother in an attempt to heal from the damage caused. Again thank you for your help, you're a true champion and inspiring. Congratulations.

[Hayfa]

Hi Jigsaw 9,

welcome to the forum!
I am so sorry to hear about the difficulty you are going through right now.
This really sounds like a familiar story, I can relate to this since it has happened to me and others I know. My experience of this stems from family and ethnic community relations/dynamics, there is always a member or members of the family that want to control and force dominant ideas and ways on every one else.
I learned pretty much early on that the best way to deal with this is be cool and not add more fuel to the fire by arguing, I would say that this is my belief or my idea and I respect that you may have your own but I also think you should respect mine in return.
I always kept ties with my parents even if there was an issue because I come from a Middle Eastern background and I felt that for cultural reasons and respect this was important and in doing this I was able to keep talking to them on a different level to make them understand my perspective and it gave me the chance to reach a diplomatic encounter and opening for rebuilding.
At some point you will have to face this from a different perspective, they are your family and it's good to come to some understanding and work through things.
You need to look after yourself, taking time out is important for your health and wellbeing and it will give you a chance to process things and decide how you want to move forward.

I realised that at the end of the day if you fall, your friends are not going to catch you it's your family that will be there. I felt it was important to find ways to talk about the problem, set down expectations from all sides and move forward with it.
If it is any help to you, I found that after working it out and moving forward there was no repeat of the problem again, nobody likes to live in this challenging and difficult way and in my cultural community we sometimes say that 'it has to grow bigger before it goes back to being small'.
Pamela has offered you some great advice, look after yourself and your family first and when you are ready it might be good to find a way to come together and work it out.

Good luck with it, keep talking to us here so we can keep supporting you and making sure you are doing ok.

Hayfa

[quirkywords]

Hi Jigsaw9,

Thanks to you for your honesty and for PamelaR and Hayfa for sharing their life experience.

I do not know a lot about narcissistic behaviour .

I think you are all inspiring,.

Quirky

[Jigsaw9]

Hayfa

I totally understand where you are coming from. I also have middle eastern background. Since i got told off by my parents i haven't been sleeping properly. Yes family is of extreme importance in our culture but it also is in most cultures and every culture has bad apples. Hayfa, I am on my 2nd marriage... my first marriage i got divorced because of my brothers intervention. I have a child in my first marriage who is suffering because of that as well as myself and my ex. I'm not willing for him to allow for my 2nd marriage to break down also. I will not accept it. Yes you are right that family picks you up when you fall... however i have come to the realisation that some people are pure evil. Sometimes you meet strangers and become close to them so much so that they mean more to you then family. They are genuine and will stand by you no matter what. However, not everybody is like that. Some people have too much jealousy and greed in their heart.

It burns me that i am not at peace with my family it really does. At the same time i'm a firm believer that at some stage you need to put yourself first as putting yourself second to others is often what put you in the mess to begin with.

I dont add 'fuel to the fire' but at the same time i need to get my point across. I am my parents' child just as my brother is their child also. We should be treated equally. I know they love him more and that's ok because i know you cant control your heart. He is also the first boy and we can relate to how special the first boy is in middle eastern culture. However, you must deal with each child equally and justly.

Thanks for reading my post and also allowing me to vent! Hope you have sorted things out with your family.

[Jigsaw9]

Cheers quirky

If i can inspire just one person with my story, i will have achieved a great deal. Your support means alot to me.

[PamelaR]

Hello Jigsaw

(Wave to Hayfa and Quirky)

Yes your post is inspiring and I'm so pleased to hear you've stood your ground with your second husband and gone against your brothers influence. Great stuff.

Hayfa is right that cultural values, beliefs and norms have a huge impact on your family life. However, it does not mean that it's right or that you have to accept it. I too do not fuel the fire with my brother, I just choose to have as little as possible to do with him.

I agree, it is not always blood family that is there to pick you up. My hubby and his family have been the best thing in the world for me. Treated me like an individual, human being and someone who could be loved, cherished, respected.

I also am not in agreement with Hayfa about family being there to pick you up. From a very young age I have had to learn to rely on me. For support when I feel over, for support when I left my first husband (who was also had narisisstic traits). My mother told him where I gone. So much for support.

Sorry being a little negative here. That's not me usually. It's just that wanting support from a family with narisisstic traits comes at a cost. A cost much more than what it's worth.

So proud of you Jigsaw. It must be so difficult in your culture. There are many out there who are willing to help.

Keep reaching out if and when you want to. Kind regards

PamelaR

[Jigsaw9]

Pamela

Thanking you for your kind words and motivation. Just a minor correction that it is my second wife not second husband! lol. Although me and my brother are both males, he is the older one; is the point i was trying to get across.

Yes it is quite difficult in our culture as im sure it is in many other eastern cultures. Western culture is more privy to mental illness then eastern. Middle eastern parents nowadays tend to ignore it and pass it off as a phase that someone may be going through. It is quite a challenge explaining to them your suffering so most of the times i simply don't. Happy that i have BB as a means of connecting with others and for assurance and support as well.

[Hayfa]

Hi Jigsaw9

I'm so glad to see you came back to this forum and replied to my post, I hope everything is travelling okay with you right now. I need to apologise to you because you may have misconstrued me in my reply to you since my writing may not have been so clear in meaning, I never meant that you are adding fuel to the fire, I meant to say that in an already difficult situation where you are being challenged the situation becomes fuelled usually from those dominating you and in your case it's your family.

You are right, sometimes people are bad, some friends can treat you better than family.
You are doing the right thing by taking time out for yourself and your own family. I am sorry to hear that you have had sleepless nights since not talking to your parents but hopefully with time this will improve.
All boys are equally important and much loved in middle eastern culture but perhaps a little more emphasis is put on the first born but that does not mean you are loved less. I am sure that this situation is hard on your parents too because they probably can't stand being separated from you.
Something will give and relations will improve I am sure, hang in there and look after yourself.

As with most family blow ups in middle eastern culture, it is messy and hurtful to you but over time things tend to grow smaller and go back to being normal.
You are doing amazing by hanging in there and even supporting people here in the forums.
Keep talking to us so that we can be sure that you are okay and we can keep supporting you.

Hayfa