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[DeadInside]

So boring story short, I'm a 52 year old male who should really have my crap together by now but don't. My earliest memories include my parents going their seperate ways with my mother going overseas, my father going I don't know where and me going to my mother's parents' place to live. When my mother returned to Australia she went off somewhere for a time and then one day I was taken to live with her and her new boyfriend. It was there at around five years of age I was sexually assaulted by the nextdoor neighbour a number of times. And no I never said anything about it, I didn't know it was wrong at the time and never said much about anything to anyone anyway. Childhood years then followed with the usual quiet kid with dyslexia who did poorly at school and kept to himself story. Then early adulthood with alcohol fuelled self destructive decisions, self harm and failed relationships the norm. I got older and disappeared into 10+ hour work days in order to avoid life followed by driving home at night and drinking myself to sleep. No relationships, no personal activities, just increasing levels of time spent at work followed by alcohol nights and self harming. I could describe what I can remember of some of those nights but I don't think moderators would allow it. After almost taking my own life I got on the antidepressants and after some failures with the meds and a very dark twelve months the "right" antidepressant was found. It's not close to perfect but I'm not blackout drunk every night and even got married so that's a big plus. Due to such a late start I never had kids of my own but when I met my now wife she had a 12 year old daughter. I barely got to know daughter before she turned into a teenager so my introduction to parenting was interesting. I love my wife and daughter and wouldn't change a thing. Accept life has other ideas so I'm now unemployable, can barely take care of myself and am heading at an alarming rate towards the end of life from chronic heart failure. Me not working is causing financial stress and I can feel death closing in. This is not what I envisaged when I proposed.

[Sophie_M]

Dear DeadInside,

We are grateful that you found the strength to post in our forums. We are a very helpful and supportive community.

It is good to hear that you have found a happy and loving family with whom you are able to spend your final years. It sounds as though your wife and stepdaughter are happy for the time that they have been given to share their lives with you.

It is unfortunate how intensely your early experience seems to have taught you that you may not deserve anything good in your life. We would like to encourage you to call BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 whenever you are feeling really stuck. Their mental health specialists will be able to offer you care.

We would also like to encourage you to discuss with your GP the possibility of setting up a mental health plan. This may help you get some private counselling.

Again, welcome to our forums. There are many here who will understand where you are coming from.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[geoff]

Hello DeadInside, we all do our best to help people on these forums, but it may not be instant and may take a little while until we can gain the confidence from somebody in their situation.

We understand what people have been through themselves, because invariably we have had to encounter similar problems ourselves, and even what we offer may or may not be suitable at this present moment, but can develop into relating back to you to gain some friendship and help you know that we know what you are saying.

In saying this, we hear the hardship you have had to endure and feel sorry that you have been through this, and yes, there will be those who can definitely mirror exactly these circumstances, some will reply and some just read the comments posted by a person, but evidently, you will have our support.

As you are financially struggling and with your condition, your doctor will be able to give you a letter which Centrelink can recognise you may need to be put on a DSP with your heart condition.

It's not the same as earning a decent income, but it's money coming in to help you and the family.

As Sophie has mentioned, ask your doctor for a mental health plan, this entitles you to 20 free Medicare paid sessions, and also ask them for a letter explaining how you are physically which can also be given to C/link.

We are here for you, to listen, give advice and offer support, that's why this site can be very helpful.

Geoff.

[blondguy]

Hi DeadInside

As Sophie mentioned above welcome too!

If we didnt have new members the forums would no longer exist so thankyou for being a part of Beyond Blue!

There is nothing boring about your circumstances at all... we feel and understand your pain. Ive been on AD'S for a long time its hard work

It takes serious courage to post on the forums...(it took me weeks to write my first thread topic) I have had ongoing chronic anxiety/depression for a few decades and its a horrible place to be in

Not being able to work would be awful. If its ok...can I ask how you are going at the moment? You mentioned that you are having difficulty looking after yourself

The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you (and everyone) to post

I really hope you can stick around the forums...any questions are always welcome!

my kindest always

Paul

[therising]

Hi DeadInside

I believe one of the hardest things to do in life is raise yourself, especially when no one else is helping to raise you in all the ways that make a constructive and positive difference. It sounds like you've had to do this to the best of your ability, given the truly horrible and torturous circumstances you faced growing up. I know it's hard to be proud of yourself having been a drinker, as I've been there, but with the drink being an emotional regulator to some degree, it becomes understandable as to why it feels like a resource, a way of managing at the time. With the idea 'I'll do whatever it takes to get through life', I think drinking can be that 'whatever' at some point. The fact you searched for a different 'whatever' with the meds speaks volumes when it comes to how strong you are and how determined you are to make a difference.

With so many heartbreaking choices people left you to manage from such a young age, it doesn't surprise me you have heart issues. I know that sounds a bit silly, in how simplistic a view it is, but heartbreak comes in many forms. It can come in the form of a heartbreaking level of ongoing stress, when people leave us to manage the stresses they've caused over time. What that heartbreaking level of stress can do to the body can be brutal. It can come in the form of how our toxic decisions for managing heartbreak, to the best of our ability, have left us wishing we'd managed better. It can come in so many other forms.

I believe anyone who claims to have raised a child or brought a child up, when they have done the complete opposite (brought them down into a place of stress, despair and/or depression) has no right to make such a claim. You have raised yourself. I believe you have every right to demand others around you help raise you out of where you find yourself now. Are specialists not addressing the heart issues to the degree you want and need them too? Do you feel like you're 'Just another patient with a condition they've seen dozens of times'? Is your wife and step daughter not doing enough to lead you to not stress to this degree, regarding finances, your health and so on. Do you feel the need to become more demanding of the people around you, perhaps also demanding a better med be found?

What do you feel you need the most right now? Even if you feel the need to scream, how would you manage that? How would you do it?

[DeadInside]

Wow, I wasn't expecting a reply little lone several thoughtful replies. Thank you.
I reached the character limit before I could include where my parents are at now. Later in life as an adult my mother and I developed a good relationship. This lasted about 20 years before she passed, her heart gave out and left a big hole in mine. I talk to my father on the phone once every year or two. He has bone cancer now and not too long to live.
The advice given to seek GP health care plans and even DSP are good thank you. I've had a few mental health plans with varying results. I also spent two years trying for DSP without success. As I'm sure many other users of this site can attest, getting the reams of perfectly worded medical evidence from specialists is no easy task. A specialist (cardiologist my my case) at a public hospital isn't interested in taking the time to write a report on letterhead using all the necessary Centrelink wording to support a case for DSP.

Well, I'm off now to read some of what others have written. This should be an interesting experience.

[therising]

Hi DeadInside

I'm so glad the relationship you had with your parents was reformed into something that served you and hopefully allowed you to make better sense of the decisions they made when you were young. So sorrowful, your mum's passing and the pain that left you with, while you also face your dad's struggle. My heart goes out to you.

I've found over the years that it's the nature of any significant quest to be packed with questions. Finding the right or best questions and finding the right or best people to question (who are prepared to offer solutions) can make a big difference. Frustrating when you can question one doctor with 'Can you fill out this form/plan?' and they say, in one way or another 'No', yet the next doctor is happy to answer that question with 'No worries. I'll have it filled out my the end of the week'. Searching for people who are prepared to do their job well, even going above and beyond sometimes, can be a major part of a quest at times. Hoping you find he best person for the job when it comes to you gaining satisfaction with DSP progress.

[geoff]

Hello DeadInside, it's disappointing the cardiologist won't take the time to write a report, it's not going to affect his reputation as a specialist, but a duty theyneed to fulfill, perhaps they have sent a report to your doctor, informing them of your condition, that would certainly help those in Centrelink understand that your capability has diminished.

A report needs to be sent to your doctor, otherwise they wouldn't know what's happened with you.

Good luck.

Geoff.

[DeadInside]

My half brother (my father's son from his second marriage) messaged me on Sunday. He said our father was flown to the Royal (RWBH) in Brisbane on Saturday after having a non-STEMI heart attack. I thought that was a bit of an excessive thing to do just for a non-STEMI heart attack, I've had two of them and was up and about the next day both times. And Prince Charles (TPCH) is the better option for a heart attack, it specialises in cardiothoracic. It's were I've always been because of my heart. Several messages back and forth with my brother and I have more details now. Our father is in the Royal because of blood on the brain that he also has. I don't know where his heart attack fits into it yet. I'm told he's sedated and has a breathing tube. I live not too far from the Royal and Prince Charles so I'm waiting to hear my Father is out of sedation and able to see visitors so I can go see him. I get the sense my brother is stressed when reading his messages. I'm not surprised of course. I believe his mother is not well either. I wouldn't wish what he must be going through on anyone. I'll make visits to our father as soon as he's brought out of sedation, I think he'd appreciate it. I don't know if there's anything I could do to help my brother. I don't know him very well but I feel he's a good egg.

[therising]

Hi DeadInside

Wondering whether you're feeling a need to see you brother. If you are, maybe that's based on you being someone who can offer him some stress relief and guidance of some nature. If you're sensing he's stressed and a little lost in this challenge he faces (one you both face), perhaps you're the one person who can make some difference. You never know, maybe he can make some difference in your life too. The amount of times I've set out to make a difference to someone I know and we've ended serving each other in some way, I've lost count of. Even if this upsetting situation presents as an opportunity for you to know each other a little better, is that something you're interested in?

I feel for you as you face yet another challenge in your life, with you're dad being so unwell. Hoping good news comes your way, as a relief from your challenges and as a reward for you're ongoing hard work.