Hi,
I’ve never done this before, and hoping this might help my mental pain, even if it’s a small amount.
Ive been going through hell the last 6 months, it seems relentless. Day in day out, the pain just seems to return when I wake up, in force, as it has done the day before and the day before that for the last 6 months.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for 35 years, it genetic unfortunately, even with a family member suiciding over it. But with medication I’ve kept on top of it. Until now.
6 months ago I let my wife down with an affair I had with a local girl in Bali, something I’ve never done to her before after 21 years together. This was the beginning of my spiralling downward. My wife has been supportive and understands why it happened. I’m very lucky to have her.
i fell in love with this girl and I still am, I just can’t get her out of my head. And yes we still talk very briefly via email on the rare occasions. Something I’ve tried to stop for months now, to no avail.
This in itself has been painful, I wish I never met her.
Im 64 and I’ve been going to the gym, jogging, cycling, all to no avail as it didn’t help me, so I’ve stopped.
Skipping all the way to now. At work, I’ve put in a complaint about my supervisor as I believe he’s a bully. He has put in a counter complaint, for what, I have no idea. I wish I never started this. As now I need to go to meeting about this which is one of my phobias. Even after explaining that I’m not going to any meeting, because I mentally can’t, they are relentless and saying I have to. THIS has sent me down the deep dark hole even further. Because of Easter and my varying roster etc we can’t have these meetings until afterwards. So this will have to painfully be on my mind for the next few weeks.
Ive seen my dr yesterday and after trying 3 different types of meds over the last 6 months , which never worked, he’s put me back onto something I know will help, but this will take a while to kick in.
I feel like I’m rambling on here. With events that happened within these 6 moths also, there is just way way too much to explain, events combined that had made me feel suicidal at times. I have beautiful grand children that I never met. I’ve seen my son only once in 6 years, mother and father dying and many negative personally memories that keep replaying in my mind.
i now cry every day, I’ve done everything possible to try and help myself, nothing is working, I am now just playing a waiting game, watching the hours tick by, losing 15kg so far and more to come I’m sure.
I just hope these meds kick in within the next 2 weeks as I am on the end of my tether.
