Intro

[Tilster_42]

Hey! I'm new here, and this is probably the first time I've reached out on a website/platform that can connect me with real people who have or know of someone with similar mental health conditions, so I hope this is a first step in building my confidence in seeking face-to-face support.

Firstly, I'd like to start by addressing the elephant in the room: why am I here?

I have not been professionally diagnosed, so the state of my mental health is still up for debate, however I have been experiencing symptoms the past year and a half which suggest disorders such as depression, anxiety, and/or OCD.

To paint you a picture, I feel constantly suffocated by dread, things I used to enjoy feel like a chore, and I can't bring myself to socialise (this is generalising it). An example is after a normal day, I just collapsed in my room because that was just how stressed I felt. My chest was heavy and aching, and I tried to move the pain to my arms by hugging them and digging my nails into them (I often do this when I'm stressed). Then I laid down on the carpet and stared at the floor. Like everything had led up to this final moment, and that was it. 

Obviously it wasn't, but these moments are becoming more prominent, and every day feels like it's going to spiral into something much worse. I don't think any of my mates have noticed because I come across as a go-lucky, naïve, and optimistic kind of guy. But I don't think a guy like that has to practice their smile in the mirror every day so that it looks authentic.

Sorry, I'm rambling. My point is that I think I need help, and I hope people can either relate or recognise themselves in this post. (and sorry if I sound misinformed, that's another reason why I'm here)

[therising]

Hi Tilster_42

I no way do I see your post as rambling in any way. In it I see a person who's struggling with the way they feel, someone who's expressing themself in a number of ways and someone who really wants to get to the bottom of why they're experiencing life in the ways that they are. So, no rambling at all 🙂.

I think a positive way of seeing our self is as 'A mystery to be solved'. Why do we think, feel and behave in the ways we do? A great mystery at times, that's for sure. Whether it's a psychologist who helps us solve parts of the mystery, a friend, a family member, a YouTuber, someone on the forums here or someone else, I believe we can come to better understand ourself bit by bit, in a variety of ways and through a variety of resources.

For myself, as a 54yo sensitive gal, I found a major turning point for me (in regard to self understanding) was when I came to see sensitivity in a constructive way. While there are plenty of folk out there who may tell us 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' grrr😠, sensitivity is typically dictated as being a fault or our fault. Let's flip the script for a sec and suppose sensitivity involves an ability, instead of a fault. Then it becomes about 'What do I have the ability to sense?' or 'What am I sensing here?'.

• I can sense myself in a low or depression
• I can sense the triggering nature of others
• I can sense a depressing lack of energy
• I can sense a stressful or anxiety inducing level of hyperactivity in my body

and the list goes on. 

Next level becomes about, for example, 'What is causing the hyperactivity in my body that I can sense as enormous amounts of energy I can't handle? Does it relate to the speed at which I think, being able to feel other people's stressful or upsetting emotions, being able to feel what I can imagine in my mind or is it something else or all of those things combined? Could I feeling or sensing the side effects of the high level of cortisol surging through my body?'.

I've found unique behaviours can also be explained. I'm wondering whether your form of stress relief helps you shift focus out of what's stressful. Pain can act as a distraction for some people. Kind of like 'If I 100% meditate on the pain I feel, I can't feel the stressful thoughts that run through my mind'. It actually took me a couple of decades to work out why I used to have a particular behaviour while I was in a long term depression. There would be times where I'd take small objects and line them up perfectly. In hindsight, it was about creating and feeling a perfect sense or order in a life that felt completely out of my control at times. It was a way of sensing or feeling a difference. While I wouldn't regard myself as being on the autism spectrum, such a behaviour for someone on the spectrum is known as 'stimming'. It's a form of self soothing, managing feeling certain emotions.

We humans are fascinating creatures. While it's easy for me to say, please don't feel down on yourself in any way. Be fascinated by yourself instead, while you wonder about all the things that go toward making you who you are. You'd be amazed by who you naturally are, which technically makes you 'amazing' (as opposed to 'broken' or 'faulty'). The labels we accept or put on ourself can either raise us or depress us.

[Tilster_42]

Hi therising

Thank you so much for replying. Correct me if I haven't understood, but your response to my uncertainty in myself as being "a mystery to unsolve" and seeing sensitivity as not a weakness, but a useful tool to navigate that mystery is a very good way of looking at it, and I really appreciate this insight.

Yes, my physical form of stress relief does distract me from my internal pain, as well as releasing some of it too. I guess it's easier to manage and the consequences can be healed without the exhaustion of dealing with emotions.

And I'm not sure if this exactly relates to your form of stress relief, but when I'm anxious (not depressed), I'll become really hyperaware of the disarray around me, including the angle of my pen, the smudge on my laptop screen, the creases on my bed, and even how far apart my hands are from each other. Everything has to be perfect. If it isn't, my chest will constrict and I'll panic even more. Hell, today I was working on a project, got really tense, and suddenly found I could not rest until I could position my cursor right in the middle of the presentation title. This took a good minute, and it was both funny and frustrating.

This is probably one of the reasons why I'm so hard on myself when I can't figure out who I am and what I'm feeling, and like you, I'm really invested in figuring out what makes us, as humans, tick, and it is something that has endlessly fascinated me. Nowadays my own emotions are getting harder to navigate, and somehow labelling them is both, as you mentioned, enlightening and digging me an early grave. But I guess that's how it is, and I'm just glad I found people like you who can nudge me into some positive thinking patterns.

So, again, thank you so much, and I'll be sure to take on your ideas 🙂

[therising]

Hi Tilster_42

It's interesting to consider there is a specialist in regard to just about every single aspect of us. There are those who specialise in aspects of the body, aspects of the mind and even certain soulful aspects. So, how could we possibly know everything there is to know about our self, considering how many hours of university study is involved in each specialty? It would take us decades and decades to know it all. You can also be guaranteed new specialties will pop up in the future, to be studied. What they are who knows but I imagine they will be fascinating and revealing. It's amazing how hard we can be on ourself at times, when it comes to not knowing how we work exactly. Even the greatest of minds haven't entirely worked it all out. The best we can do is grow to understand ourself and develop through the revelations that come to us. They can often be surprising and liberating.

It can definitely be somewhat amusing at times to take a step back and observe how our brain or mind work. A sense of satisfaction or calm that can be achieved through a sense of perfect order is fascinating. To the extreme, it can be of course stressful. In regard to coming to our senses (our ability to sense), a healthy open minded sense of wonder is also an important one to develop. I've found it tends to replace harsh self judgement.