Infidelity - can it ever work again

[180]

Recently I discovered that my partner of a few years cheated apparently with someone he has known for many years after he ran into her on a night out with friends. I found out by overhearing a conversation between him and her when he epically failed to not hang up my phone call properly. I have had my suspicions in the past but I always put it down to me being paranoid because of things that had happened in my past relationships. I even increased my medication as a result thinking it was all in my head. Turns out I was just completely right. He says it only happened once that he slept with her almost 12 months ago but he is clearly still in contact now although I watched him make the phone call to her to tell her I knew and tell her he would not speak to her again. He of course takes full responsibility and expresses guilt and shame over hurting me and tells me it was absolutely nothing to do with me as a person or the quality of our relationship (or he’s just a great actor). Am I an idiot for still loving him and wanting to make this work? Or is there a possibility to one day move past this and resume what I thought up until last week was the greatest and most stable relationship of my life. The anxiety is out of control. I just want to cling to him. I am so sad. 

[ecomama]

Awww this is so sad for you 180. 

Besides the tremendous heart break and betrayal you feel, I'm really angry that he knew you were upping your meds because of your anxiety around this stuff, yet he didn't come clean immediately? 
He wait TWELVE whole months before you accidentally found out? 

This sickens me.
But so does all forms of infidelity. 

I see you've used 180 as you username, so you've done some research. 
I can only assume that your anxiety has increased BECAUSE he used some techniques that all cheaters seem to use... mind-effing, smoke screening and rug sweeping. Add lying and deceiving you for a year, wow, he's very good at this. See chumplady dot com for more info. 

The ONE thing he's right about is that this is nothing to do with you. 
What are you suppose to do? Babysit him 24/7? I think not. 

Thinking about your future staying with this person, all the pressure and sadness will be on you. 
It'll be something you'll never forget. 
He also got away with it this time (and was still in contact with the affair partner until you found out), so that means to him, he can still get away with it, with you. 
But moving on... it's FAR far worse when you have children, a joint home, marriage.... it's stupendously difficult to get out of a marriage with all this. 

So count it that you dodged a bullet if you leave now. 
Otherwise there's a saying, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". 
That's the crux of the matter. 

Best wishes
EM

[180]

Thanks Em

yes I know you are right. Just to complicate things I am stepmum to his two boys who I love like my own and he is the only father figure that my daughter has in her life - and she adores him (then add the house etc too) so it’s a bit complicated unfortunately. 

[geoff]

Hello 180, when an infidelity occurs, some people want to prove to this person that they want to stay with them, just to prove they are better than the one they have had an affair with, while the majority of others decide that the relationship needs to end.

One problem that may happen, is that the more you try to be better may tend to push him away further and back with the person he was having an affair with, unfortunately I have seen this happen before and confusing the situation.

The trouble is that once he has eyes for another person, then sometimes it may be impossible to stop those roaming looks he has for other people.

I wish you all the best.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[smallwolf]

hey there. 

firstly, you are certainly not an idiot as you mentioned in your post. Or for wanting it to work out. Things seem easier in hindsight and we always want things to work out for the best - whether at work, relationships, marriage etc. The person you were or are in love with has betrayed you. And as it sounds from your post... that really hurts. And to write here what you have gone through takes courage.

As far as moving past this... that is certainly possible. In what form that takes is up to up. That is, whether it is with him or without him?  Even if it were with him the relationship will be different. Whatever happened and how to reacted or what you do now will be best based and the available information at the time. 

So how are things for you now?