Not entirely sure if I should just dump everything at once but, here goes.
I'm a man in my early thirties with no close friends, no career nor job, no partner and what is feeling like no future as the days keep on just sliding by. I live with my loving and supportive parents, but all of my family isn't interested in things I am, so I can only be excited by the things I like alone, with nobody to really talk to about things I enjoy.
I don't know how to make friends, since the last time I did was almost 15 years ago now, and even then, I couldn't keep them lasting. I've also had one girlfriend, but she was long distance and we never even got to hug, despite being together for almost a year. I've also had shots with multiple women, but fumbled or didn't pick up the signals, so nothing happened.
All I want are friends I can play games with and nerd out over things together with some pizza or something. I'm going to be extremely alone this Christmas as well, since all my family is going away on holidays and it'll be the first Christmas I'll ever be alone truly on.
I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm destined to die alone. I cope by playing games solo, watching videos and consuming adult content just to drown out the painful thoughts and feelings. I've been trying to become an apprentice baker for months now, studying at tafe and applying for jobs, but nobodies hiring me. I've been working on my physical fitness and sense of fashion, but I'm still invisible and can't push as hard as others do. I've even been trying to socialise more and I get along with most people easily enough, but nothing ever hooks or clicks enough for them to ask me to join them for something, nor do I feel comfortable inviting myself into an event and hosting terrifies me. Past trauma and events make even considering the attempt at trying that horrifying, so I permanently have this impression in my head that I'm unwanted and annoying, even if I know the opposite to be true.
I don't know... I feel like if I drank alcohol and liked sports like most other Aussies, I'd be married, have a career and kids by now. Instead, I'm in the same bedroom I've lived in for 20 years and sitting at my computer at midnight on a Saturday night typing this out instead of cuddling a lover or laughing with friends. I wish there was more sober places to hang out and meet people, but they all seem formal or sports focused. It's too expensive and taboo to just want to live happily and comfortable these days.
