I don’t know where to start. Just a really crap year

[Guest_67752487]

I have had a really crap few years, it started with me having breast cancer, so that sucked.  No hair, mangled boob and forced menopause and now high blood pressure does not make a happy camper.  Oh that was also the same year my cousins wife died from breast cancer and my other cousin had a second bought of breast cancer!  I made it through, better than many.  Then my step kids grandpa (mother’s side) was diagnosed with cancer, he passed away a few weeks ago.  Literally the day of the funeral my dad was in surgery for bladder cancer, he is fine, although they left the surgery for 6 months and it was starting to invade the kidney.  So he starts chemo next week.  Oh let’s throw in another cousin with breast cancer (still not enough for genetic testing, but I have no kids anyway).  My mum also had arterial fibrillation as well in there and my dad almost gave me a heart attack when he called while that happened.

i reckon I have mild adhd or something honestly, I get fully invested into projects working days or even weeks with little sleep or food, but if I am not interested I can not even start.  I am easily distracted, always moving, even in states of totally lack of motivation I can not sit still for more than 30 minutes.  I was the one everyone tells to stop shaking their legs, that actually stopped for 20 years because a Chinese woman told me it was bad luck and shakes out all your money!  It’s started again though recently.  I am also very sensitive to harsh criticism and judgements especially on a project I am working on.

Back to partner drama.  We work together and the first job I had things thrown at me, he was yelling at me and his friend/employee of 30 years, then we get home and he’s got a beer for me and it’s like he had the best day!  I just wanted to curl up and cry.  today he tried to help me with my garden (I love gardening) and everything I did was wrong, now he doesn’t even want me to have a garden.  We now have 3 unfinished projects around the yard (2 his, 1 mine) and they are all my fault.  He did admit when asked he doesn’t think I will keep it up, but I know I can keep this up if I can start it.

 I fully understand he may not believe it, and I don’t even mind but he just says “do whatever you want” and it is fully making my panic and cry.  He doesn’t want “to waste a bunch of money” so now I don’t know if I can spend any money to finish it?  I have no issues digging tree holes or laying weed matting but not knowing if he will want it gone in a year to build a shed….It is fully sending me spiralling out of control.

how can someone who cowers in my lap crying for a week be so absolutely oblivious to anyone else’s feelings?  I know I am not the easiest, I struggle to explain because I am completely overwhelmed by emotions, but I don’t know how to calm myself to explain.  I do deep breathing and try but he won’t stop talking so I can’t calm myself.  Then when I try to come back it just happens all over again.  

how can I even cope with this?  That’s a lot of crap for a few short years to deal with for anyone, and now I am getting to a panic attack point when we fight, I have even run out of the house.  I hyperventilate and I literally can not even make a sentence, how do I calm myself to speak?

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome here to the Forum, I guess calling it "a crap year" is a bit of an understatement. So many people passing away or being seriously ill. Cancer appearing all over, with your own horrible expereince too. Plus the fact the medical system is too slow, these are all things that are leave one very frustrated, grieving and sad, upset, even frightening, and 

take a long time to come to terms with. Do you have anyone, a family member or friend perhaps, to talk all these things over with? Sometimes that can help.

if you have mild ADHD or something then so do I, though I've never thought that way, but of it as simply having the ability to concentrate and focus on a task. Like with you meals get skipped and if reminded it's an intrusion I can do wihtout. This ability may have it's downsides, but at least one normally ends up with a task well done.

I am concerned about your description of your partner. It's got to the stage you are asking "how do I calm myself to speak?".  My own answer is I don't think you should have to, as the situation that has brought you to this is not of your making. 

You partner sounds self centered, unstable and unpredictable. Crying on you lap then being harsh at work, then switching moods to offering you a beer later on as if he were a different person. Being dictatorial and disparaging about you projects, blaming you when most of the incomplete tasks are his and driving you to tears, and even a panic attack, when you try to have a conversation with him about how bad things have become.

Can I suggest you step back and look at your relationship, see if it is something you want to continue, or something you are not going to be able to cope with.

It may be you might want to see if matters can be improved, the step to take there can be couples counceling, hopefully he would attend. If not then counceling for yourself alone.  I can recommend Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) who are experts in this area. If you contact them and they do not have an office in your area they may be able to suggest a service that is.

If you would like to talk some more then please do, these are heavy matters. You will be welcomed

Croix