I Don't Know What To Say

[SulphurSurfer]

My name's DJ. I don't really know what to say, honestly. I've been feeling empty for a long time. I literally found this page when I typed 'feeling empty' in google. Thank goodness.

I have a life. It's not bad. I'm engaged to a wonderful person.

But I feel the problem lies with myself. I went through a lot of stuff when I was younger that caused me to make some poor decisions of my own that nearly ruined my relationship a few months after it started, yet she sticks by me. But I have trouble coping with what I've done, and my psychologist suggested getting back into making music like I used to do, and that it might help get the self-anger I have inside, out. And exploding less onto everyone else.

The problem being the band mates I had decided to leave me high and dry so I'm stuck back, questioning if my lifelong dream is actually worth the shot I was taking for it. At this point, I'd love to be doing anything. My friends are always busy so I never see them, and I don't really do well socially anyway, thanks to my Asperger's Syndrome.

On top of that, there's an employment slump where I live so I've been unemployed wince my management job in 2015 working under verbally abusive bosses. And due to an injury I had an addiction to painkillers for a good while. Wasn't nearly as painless as I thought it would be.

I just feel like nothing has any point in it anymore. Like I've just given up. And I know it bothers my fiancee but she feels powerless to help me, and I don't even know if I want the help anymore. I just want to enjoy my life again. I guess that is kinda a call for help, isn't it? I thought I had my whole life figured out but it sucks when my fiancee and I are struggling to afford things when neither of us can get work, too.

I dunno why I'm posting this, I guess, subconsciously, I've had enough.

[Croix]

Dear DJ~

Welcome here, I'm glad your search led you to us. Having an OK life but feeling empty is something a lot of us here have felt. Exploding with anger is unfortunately common too.

Being unemployed and short of funds is a bad place to be in, it would get anyone down, even without Aspergers and other illness on top.

Reading what you have to say I do think there are some good things going for you. Having someone to love and be loved by is an amazing thing, and it is obvious you care for your fiancee, worrying about how she feels about your condition.

Beating pain meds addiction too is a mighty thing, not in the least easy, I guess it shows strength of character and will. Also having the wisdom to get medical support is a excellent, and I'd imagine in time will get you to a better place.

It sounds like good advice to go back to your music, it's really is a pity you can't rejoin the old group, however I would think that there must be other opportunities around. I would be most surprised if you had to depend entirely on the other members of that group. Many musicians change from time to time and new opportunities do come along. Can you practice by yourself?

I'd suggest you go back to your doctor and psychologist and say how you have been feeling, it may well be your regime needs a bit of adjustment - as many do over time. Can't hurt to find out.

I'd also suggest you comfort your fiancee and point out she is not powerless, if you are anything like me just her constant presence and care makes a whole load of difference.

I do hope you come back and talk more

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear DJ

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you found your way here. Talking to others who understand how you feel can be very helpful. We do not all have the same difficulties but the feelings of loss and emptiness are very familiar. And hard to live with. I see you meet with a psychologist. Is this helpful?

Music can be a huge comfort in our lives. I would love to play an instrument because I think it would help me express my feelings and perhaps help me find my way. Listening to music is good for me as it helps to soothe some of the feelings of hurt. I can see how making your own music is satisfying.

What a pity your fellow musicians are no longer available. Can you meet with other musicians just for the pleasure of making music together?

Having someone in your life who cares for you is fantastic. We all need that kind of support. Not so good when neither of you has a job. That must feel quite soul destroying at times. If work is not available in your area is it possible to find a job elsewhere and move into nearby accommodation. Sometimes it helps to explore different options.

Is it possible to find some voluntary work? Of course there is no pay attached but it may help you regain faith in yourself. Usually organisations in your area are only too happy to give you work. Sometimes it can lead to paid employment, but if not, it can help you demonstrate your willingness to work and can give you extra skills. At the very least you will have the satisfaction of contributing to your community. Perhaps you can find a way of combining your music with volunteer work.

I hope you will continue to post in here and let us support you.

Mary