How my life spiralled out of control

[Imogen_xx]

I have always struggled with mental health but between 2015-2018 it was the best it had been. In the last 15 months it has been an all time low and my whole life has spiralled out of control.

In March 2018 I started to experience knee pain. It existed literally all day every day and not one pain killer would touch it. It was severe majority of the time for 12 months. I saw 15 different "specialists" and not one could work out the problem. I was told it was a mystery pain and I would have to learn to live with the pain. I was 29 years old at the time. My life became unbearable. Chronic pain sucked the life out of me and removed any enjoyment. I would have liked my life if it wasn't for the pain. I felt like I was going through something which no one understood and no one could help me.

This wasn't acceptable so I dedicated my life to researching and getting out of pain. I worked out the answer when everyone else failed two months ago. I have started my self devised rehab program and complete it every day. I am seeing results slowly and confident in enough time the pain will be gone.

The experience has changed me forever. I can no longer trust anyone and I feel so alone.

The chronic pain issue meant I left my job last November. I couldn't physically get to the office because driving worsened my pain. I couldn't get there by public transport because of my anxiety. I couldn't focus on work and became unproductive. I knew I was likely to be fired so left first. This was a high paying job which would have set me up for life. I studied three degrees to get it. Now I am unemployed and struggling financially. We run out of money every pay cycle, have no savings and can barely pay the bills. I feel angry that the negligence of the medical profession caused me to be in this situation.

I never liked work but without it my life is a meaningless day to day existence. It feels strange to have no higher purpose. My days are empty and nothing is worth it. The isolation and spending all day every day alone is driving me nuts. I have no where to go and nothing to do. I feel so alone.

The only thing saving me this last year is running. It is the only point to my life and my only social interaction. This week I injured my calf and the thought of not running is unbearable. My whole world has fallen apart and it's attached to my mental health. I go to worse case scenario because of my knee experience. I wish I didn't have to continue living.

[Amy_J]

Hi Imogen,

Thank you for your post.

I am very impressed that you were able to take the steps to help heal your knee. That was a very strong move of you being able to work hard and achieve that sort of physical benefit to yourself. I am sorry that the doctors you saw couldn’t do that for you.

You are strong. You were able to bring yourself through your knee experience.

I think it sounds like you need to have support of others around you too though. You shouldn’t have to always cope alone.

I think you have made a good step joining this group and talking to people. I hope this can help you

A