Hi new here, my experience with emotional wellbeing

[Catto23]

Hi There,

Sorry if I post anything not allowed in this post, but I'm happy to be here! happy to have this safe space to write down my thoughts about mental health, share experiences (and to low key vent). I found this forum a long time ago, a lurker and I'm finally posting. I have had a long experience with mental health problems or looking after my emotional well-being I guess... I literally didn't know it was a thing, ... for the longest time. I guess growing up in an immigrant family. Pretty much bottled up my feelings of grief (loss of a caretaker) and breakup (that I didn't class as a breakup) that pretty much sent me off the tracks a lot. I am feeling much more open to sharing these now... and emotional care is quite important to me now. (I have anxiety, and had depression)

For me, I have found finding a psychiatrist that listens and takes me seriously, and it has helped me greatly. She monitors my meds and has helped me direct me to see an appropriate psychologist (so many treatments out there, and varying types of psychologists! in my case cbt, schema therapy, ifs therapy etc). In my opinion fit is super important when it comes to matching with a psychologist. 

I guess what I'm working on now - and why I came to this forum, is that because of my life experiences I am I think experiencing distance from my emotions, maybe dissociation possibly? and unfortunately, it makes me feel like I am living a lie, cos I dissociated when I was 21 (and 10+ years have gone now). When I think of my emotions, gosh , how will I ever intergrate myself (my emotions and thoughts into one unit). I have a own life now, a boyfriend and trying to adult D:, but I have no idea if my emotions even know my boyfriend at all, hence the feeling like a lie bit, and hence the post

Thanks for listening to that rant, appreciate the space that this is. I will lurk and be a slow replyier if there is any, thanks

[therising]

Hi Catto23

I found the difference between long term depression and episodic depression involves fear in long term depression and faith while within a short term depression. The fear relates to never coming out of depression and faith relates to knowing you'll come out of it, it's just a matter of when and under what conditions.

One of the things I've come to learn about myself is that I'm typically going to feel what's naturally depressing. A strange way to look at it but I see it as a natural ability. Not a pleasant one to have but an ability nonetheless. I've learned over the years I have the ability to feel the depressing side effects of certain belief systems, a distorted sense of self, unhappy and unhealthy relationships with people, pregnancy miscarriages, dopamine and B12 deficiencies, sleep apnea, feeling completely lost and alone, drinking in self destructive ways, a serious lack of certain skills and abilities in life and the list goes on. If life is partly about learning and graduating through challenges, we have to be proud of our self for graduating at times in our life. Up and up we go, higher and higher, graduating to higher points of consciousness and self understanding over and over again. I've found it pays to have a good teacher or tutor in life who can help identify what the lessons can sometimes be about. 

From my own experience, I've found the 'bad dream' factor to be based on what precedes 'waking up'. For example, before waking up to the revelation that shame is a socially contrived concept, I faced the nightmare of shame feeling completely and painfully real. While once I may have said 'I feel ashamed of myself', now I may say 'I feel me having disappointed myself from responsibility I should or could have taken. I'm feeling disappointment and the emotions that come with that level of self disappointment'. When once I may have have said 'I feel ashamed of being so 'weak'', now I could say 'I lacked the physical, mental or emotional strength required at the time of a particular challenge but now I will search for elements of strength within me and I will find them (for they are within me somewhere)'. Waking up to the idea that 'shame' was never meant to be in our dictionary of emotions in the first place means we are finally free to scrap it from that dictionary or reference. It was put in their by others for us to feel, for us to suffer through.

With that emotional reference, I believe there has to be an agreement. I agree to feel sadness, for this tells me what is sad in my life that needs to be addressed. I agree to feel joy, for this tells me what is joyful in my life. I agree to feel depression, for this tells me what is depressing in my life and seriously needs to be addressed. Never have I ever agreed to feeling shame.  ❤️