Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

[Snowy79]

Hi Im new to this forum. Ive been bottling things up for a few years now and I feel like I need to speak up. Ive recently turned 40 and I have a partner and two young kids. My problem is my inability to get a full time job and the subsequent depression and lack of confidence and self esteem as a result. Im looking in my career field and while I have worked full time and part time and casually I just cant seem to break through. I feel a failure as I cant provide for my family or contribute adequately even though my partner works almost full time. I feel like my partner resents me and I feel like I have ruined her life. My father in law also thinks im lazy and this is why I dont have a ft job and this is why. I dont know where to turn to or what to do. Im starting to get paranoid there is something wrong about me which is why I dont get work. Im starting to think some really dark thoughts and I find myself becoming detached from my family.

[blondguy]

Hi Snowy79

I have read the heartfelt responses from members above and they are spot on

You dont represent a failure in any shape or form. I see a proactive person that cares for his family and is doing his best to find a position. The inlaws can sometimes have overly high expectations unfortunately

You are a caring dad that has the best interests of family as a priority

The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you to post Snowy. Your well being and privacy are paramount to the forums. I am ex human resources/senior management before I was made redundant in early 2016

Any questions are welcome on the forums Snowy...on any subject you wish 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[therising]

Hi Snowy79

You're an absolute legend! If a mother said she took care of the kids and the house all whilst working 2 casual jobs, people would hail her as being a legend. So, what's the difference between a mum or a dad doing this? I suggest the answer comes down to expectation.

The expectations placed on us by family, society, friends, in-laws etc can be high sometimes yet they may not even come even close to the expectations we place upon our self. Such expectations may relate to gender roles, financial needs and so on. So, if it comes down to 'As a man, as a husband and a father, I should be earning more and working harder', do you relate to this as a social expectation or one that you're actually happy to meet?

Now mum to 2 teenagers, I was a 'stay at home mum' for many years. So much shame attached to this role these days. What I typically used to get: 'Why aren't you out there working, feeling more of a sense of value? Why aren't you financially contributing to the family? Isn't your life boring, just staying at home?' Snowy, the list goes on. You know what, at the end of the day I was and am fulfilling what I consider to be the greatest role I have ever and will ever be given - the role of teacher and guide to 2 of the most valuable gifts in my life. The 3 of us have always had a fantastic relationship to the point where I don't long for them to return to school throughout the school holidays (like most parents). I love spending the extra time with them and they with me.

Taking gender out of the equation:

• Do both incomes currently meet your basic household budget requirements?
• Are the kids' needs fulfilled, having you as their primary carer?
• Have you considered consulting a mental health professional? The brain's a tricky thing. Sometimes we need help in eliminating certain destructive mental programs. Some of these programs can impact our chemistry, perception and sense of identity. Have a search online for 'The 4 chemicals for happiness' (interesting stuff)
• Another thing perhaps worth looking at involves self-esteem. 'The 6 pillars of self-esteem' is a great book, by Nathaniel Branden. He's a master on the topic of self-esteem

Only you can find the answer to the question 'Who do I want to be?' If the answer involves fulfilling the role of primary carer to your kids whilst also doing some casual work, feed your soul and be that person with every ounce of your being. All else is based on the expectations of others.

Take care and keep on painting!

[IreneM]

HI Snowy

Everyone has been pretty spot on in their advice, and no you're not a failure in fact you're a legend! I have heard of many families where the father is the main caretaker and the mother the worker. Have you discussed the situation with your partner as to whether she is happy with you keeping your p/t jobs?

My thoughts along with therising is that you should focus on not only "who you want to be" but also with your family circumstances taken into account, "who/what are you able to be"?

I've had a similar situation due to medical and mental issues as well as my partner getting weaker. I saw my employment provider few days ago and am now starting to paint a picture of who I am, what skills I have and will then look at available options. Don't be afraid to do voluntary things too. It was through my volunteering that I got invited overseas recently. Is there a professional and/or community organisation that serves your interests? For example - Health is primary for me so I joined some health associations, like epilepsy and arthritis.

Another option is to find out what is of interest to your kids that may interest you to a certain extent. Some sport clubs or scouts, etc. are always looking for people to assist ... the list goes on! I even delivered catalogues at one stage, the kids may assist with sorting.

Hope this helps.

Irene.

[Snowy79]

Thank you so much. I have heard this from friends before about expectations I place on myself. Ive never really thought I worry about being the bread winner but maybe that is an expectation I place on myself. I like being able to be a caregiver and I like the casual work flexibility. We CAN meet the financial budget obligations of family budget if we put more money aside in the middle of year when there is plenty of work( Im a Casual Relief Primary Teacher) we just finding things tight right now and Im getting pressure. Deep down I think I want to continue doing this as well as explore a creative side as well.

[IreneM]

Good on You Snowy

You CAN do it, great to see that you're considering becoming creative too. Another one of many avenues to involve the kids if necessary. I think if you can get your family behind you whatever your pursuits you can do well. You're such a legend.

Irene.