Hi I'm shaun

[Moshniki]

Hi there

I'm shaun I work in an okay job I wouldn't say I'm thrilled to go to work everyday but to be honest I'm to afraid of change to even want to change jobs.

I have a few friends and really struggle to make any new ones, and even the friends I have if I don't contact them I could go weeks maybe months without hearing from them. I guess I'm not interesting enough or I dunno to want to keep in touch with I guess 😕

Some days I don't want to leave my house or see anyone, it's really hard cause when people at work talk to me none of this shows I seem outgoing and good to talk to but inside I'm always worried and always knowing that none of these people care, there just talking to me because I'm there.

I have a really small family which is good. Usually nothing happens and it's just quiet and peaceful until this week my parents have split up, it does not make me feel worried about anything just makes me feel like more is wrong with me.

My life does not seem to really go anywhere I gamble a lot when I can and always leave myself with no money which never helps.

Always make me feel sad and jealous to see people at work with their friends, always going out in groups and never getting invited or thought of.

I haven't been in a relationship in over 5 years, and my last one I wouldn't even call it a relationship was just I dunno close friends always together?

No girl has ever come up to me and said hi​, and I've never done the same, I just see no value in myself so I could never imagine a girl seeing anything in me so I just always save myself the embarrassment or the girls time I guess.

I mean I don't even drive a car I walk everywhere, I'm not that interesting I spend most of my time in my room watching movies or playing games, i don't study I don't do anything I just work and do nothing.

Sorry for the long rant it's mainly just thoughts...

[Starwolf]

Hi Shaun, a warm welcome to you.

Well done for reaching out and sharing your thoughts. Many of us at BB can relate to what you are feeling. Mental/emotional unrest, lack of self esteem and confidence go hand in hand with social isolation.

First of all, parents breaking up is always heartbreaking. As adults, they felt it was something they had to do and took responsibility for it. A separation is never the children's fault. Many parents choose to stay together regardless of difficulties they experience with their loved ones. On the contrary, family issues can often contribute to strengthening a couple's bond. For a break up to occur, there must be an existing rift in the relationship, regardless of circumstances.

Each and everyone of us is unique, being different doesn't make us good or bad. We all have strong points and weak ones, either obvious or undiscovered. We all deserve to live a fulfilling life and peace of mind.

You are not in a good head space at the moment but there's no need to struggle alone. With the right help and support, things can and will get better. I suggest you scroll down to the bottom of this page and take a look at the Depression Checklist in Facts. A GP appointment would also be a good start towards managing the situation.

Have you thought of joining a therapy group to address the gambling issue ? This could also help you connect with people who have a similar concern and will understand you without being judgmental.

Please feel free to vent your feelings via these forums, as much and as often as you wish. It is a safe place to do so.There are a lot of understanding and compassionate people who are willing to listen to your thoughts and share their own.

Great to have you on board.

[james1]

Hi Shaun,

Thank you for taking the brave step to post here, it sounds like you're feeling very alone and helpless to stop that loneliness. Let me assure you that there are people who want to help and care for you, and I'm really glad you've posted here on the forums.

If it's any consolation at all, the split of your parents was not your fault at all. That's something between your mother and father, and while you can support them, it was never your responsibility to keep them together. It really sucks that it happened, but life has a tendency to throw all these challenges at us all at the same time. And all we can do is let them fall, but take care of ourselves in the meantime. And that's what it seems like you're doing by talking to us.

It sounds like, even though it feels hopeless, you're still trying to get some direction in life. That's really positive. I also recommend talking to your GP as Starwolf suggested, or even seeing if your workplace offers personal counselling. Getting professional help when we find ourselves in these situations is such a daunting prospect, but if we're willing, they can really set us back on the right path.

I hope you feel safe and welcome here. We'd love to hear back on how you're going.

James

[geoff]

hi Moshniki, what Starwolf and James have said is true, the separation between your parents is up to them and perhaps they have done this for the sake of their children, only because they, could have argued far too often and felt as though it's not a good environment for you and if you have other siblings to felt the force of disharmony, there's no doubt it is always sad when this happens as it unsettles the family.
When there is no joy being at home (because your parents are fighting) then this creates a barrier around you whereyou don't feel as though you want to participate in activities, so feeling aloof can be common.
It's not so much as your friends don't want to include you, there could be different circumstances that could avoid this but only by mistake, but when you are trapped then youfeel as though no one wants to see you.
Gambling is a way where a person who feels left out seems to turn to just to get some excitment, but then if you lose then this just increases how bad you feel.
By being in a relationship may make you feel better, well that's what we always hope for, but in order for this to happen you need to build up your confidence, and by doing this means that talking with other people on the social side will do this, but this doesn't mean that you go out straight away and begin conversations, just try it slowly, talk to the check out girl at the supermarket first and then slowly build up from there. Geoff.

[Moshniki]

Thanks for replying 🙂

Yeah my parents breaking up has been harder than I anticipated it would be. I don't live with them they live over 4 hours away so it was something I could never see coming.

At first they both said they will remain friends and parted ways and it was fine now its at the stage where they are fighting basically and ringing me saying oh don't tell you mum but blah blah and same with mum.. Its getting so annoying and knowing my mum has depression as well keeps me on edge and worried she will do something.

And yes I really do need to get out more and talk to people I just feel extremely awkward doing it and never know what to say 😕 I know I could just do a simple topic like weather or anything but I dunno I feel like I'm meant to be alone like maybe I'm not suppose to find someone?

Yeah the gambling needs to stop I'm going to try starting today to not go and gamble I just need to find a hobby or something else to do when I get paid instead of thinking how to spend it 😕 but as u said it feels that void and its very true.. I use to game a lot on PC and Xbox but I just got really bored and have no one to really play with...

one of my best friends who I use talk to a lot that is one of those that only talked to me when she needed something but when something happened to me other things like alcohol was more important, I kind of went off at her and told her what I thought and pushed her completely out of my life, I kinda regret doing it and then I don't...

I still have my days when I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, some days at work I wish the people I worked with saw how much I'm hurting emotionally and could see past my fake smiles and trying to be happy..

Hope everyone else is doing well though on here

#struggletogether

[james1]

Hey shaun,

You're not alone in finding it hard to talk to people and connect. I've suggested to others that when it comes to making conversation, it's easier to start small. Start with talking to the checkout person when buying your groceries.

- "How's your day been?"

- "When'd you start?"

- "When will you finish?"

- "Do you have many rosters this week? What are you up to on Xday when you don't have a shift?"

You don't need to feel like you're making a lifelong friend - it's just about having a little conversation with a stranger.

On Sunday, I was on a ferry in the afternoon and I wanted to talk to someone. There was a lady sitting close to me with the sun in her face so my conversation starter was: "Do you want to borrow my sunnies?" Obviously she said no, but she gave a bit more information - "I've been inside all day so it's nice to get a bit of sun" - so she didn't mind having a chat either. We didn't take each others' details or anything, but the point was always just to have a friendly chat with a stranger, and we spoke for a good 45 minutes.

You sound like a really interesting person and I'm sure, while not everyone's open to talk, there'll be heaps of people who'll be up for a chat, whether 1 minute, 5 minutes, an hour...it doesn't matter. You'll feel less isolated just by talking to people.

What are your thoughts? A little "Hello, how's your shift going?" at the checkout goes a long way in making you feel more connected, and just improving the day of the person at checkout as well!

James

[Starwolf]

Hi Shaun,

Thank you for responding. Finding yourself in the middle of your parents arguments is no good position to be in. Asking them gently but firmly to keep you out of it would be wise. They're both adults. I have no doubt the transition is difficult for both but if there is controversy, an outsider must be found to mediate the situation. This is no function for a son to fill. Living some distance away seems like a good thing at the moment. You have your own struggles to attend to.

Kudos to you for being proactive. You are right, addiction seems to fill a void but it is a self-imposed illusion. It cannot fix the root cause and always ends up making things worse in the long term. You deserve better than this enslavement.

As for finding friends, it can be difficult but not impossible. Trading quantity for quality is the way to go. Like all precious things, enduring friendship is elusive and it must start with making acquaintance. Being yourself is more important than what is said. Being accepted for what and who we are is the first requirement to move on from staying an acquaintance to becoming friends.

You are a courageous, intelligent, sensitive person. You have a lot to offer. Sooner or later, someone will notice...but you have to put yourself out there first.

[Moshniki]

Thanks for the kind words and help, ill definitely take it on board and try a few things 🙂

Yeah im just over friends, where i have to always make contact otherwise i wont hear from them for weeks and sometimes months... like i do get everyone is busy and has a lot on but a simple text message saying hey how are u, catch up soon? literally takes 15 seconds to type out of your day... i do it all the time to make people feel there wanted but never had anyone do it for me...

Kind of why i blew my ex best friend off, she just never had time, but when she needed something i was there, and when i had things going on like with my parents, she had to go out that night and drink and have her drugs, my problems could wait...

And yeah definitely feel better when i'm talking to people, especially my friends at work but i just cant always help feeling like why should i always be the one making 100% of the effort.. and if i am, do they even want to talk to me or just cause i'm there/said something? Most days i just want to delete my facebook, delete snapchat and just turn my phone off and not talk to anyone, and ive done this so many times, even for a week and not even one person said anything to me like, "youre not on facebook anymore" or "i texted u and u didnt reply".. just makes me wonder what i should do 😕

i work some insane hours in hospitality so going out on weekends isn't an option, and my days off i just want to sit in my room and be alone, not into going to the gym or that..

Thank you though , its just nice having someone replying and to vent the fustrations of life too lol

[james1]

Hey Shaun,

It sounds like your friends either don't understand you or maybe aren't the kind of friends that can help you right now. And that's okay. I have friends who I feel I can count on at times like this (except they're all...not here in Sydney), and friends who...I guess are just friends, you know? I still like them.

I totally get what you mean by feeling like you're making all the effort, but that's not a problem with you. It just means you and the other person don't click just like that. Like Starwolf said, there will be others you do click with and you're doing the right thing by putting yourself out there and giving people a go.

Here's a thought: we're here and I genuinely want to get to know you a bit more. Not because you're struggling, but you seem like a really thoughtful guy with an interesting (even if you don't really like it!) past.

Have you been doing your job for a while? Any thoughts about changing roles?

James

[Moshniki]

Thanks James!

Yeah I've been doing my job now for a little over 9 years, I do enjoy it most days but other days thinking about work makes me depressed, and its all customer service, hospitality work so its hard to just feel sad for a day when u have to look all happy and wanting to be there.

And our management don't care, there attitude in our newsletter is just "If you don't want to be here then leave"

I've thought of changing roles and finding a new job but this is the first job I've ever had so the thought of leaving this and starting a new job feels like pressure and a lot of change in one hit, im sure eventually I will need to take this step and do this but for now im just waiting out my long service leave and see what I can do from there 🙂

How have you been james?