Dear SEL~
Lots of people feel that others are worse off and are reluctant to post as a result. It does not work that way, if you write here you will always be given caring and understanding attention, and no, you are not taking anyone else’s place.
This is a bit of a long answer, you might prefer to read it in stages.
Actually you situation sounds very difficult indeed and I can scarcely blame you for not wanting to get up each morning. With all that in front who would? Nobody is an inexhaustible well of care - not even for a loved one as the job is too big for one person. You sound at the end of your tether.
Is there anyone to help you, or to whom you can blow off steam -a family member or friend perhaps? All they have to do really is show they care.
You might have been quoting me when my wife was ill for a very long time: “I felt angry, guilty, sorry that she was ill, angry, as here we go again, guilty for being angry, worried that she was getting worse, then guilty again for feeling "over it" when she's not well.”
Looking back years later, I came to realise that this mix of contradictory emotions is something natural, something many people feel. It is no reflection on you, it is a reflection on the burden you carry.
Apart from caring for an ill person and doing all the household duties you are just about overwhelmed by the scope of your renovations. Having a roof restore is a big upset (and expense) and trying to clean up after something like that takes energy and often sadness at favorite plants being broken or squashed. Plus where to put the rubbish?
Painting in some ways is even worse as furniture has to be moved and rooms become unusable for a while. OK you house needs TLC -but does it have to be right this minute? It may e less of a stress and more convenient when other things are done.
Hopefully with your fences there are no arguments over who pays for what and you end up with privacy- something that will do you good as well as increase the desirability of the property. If you can insist they tread carefully and take ALL their mess with them.
It was a good idea to go for that walk, something that takes you away from all the hassles and soothes. As your day is so full can I suggest a couple of things?
The first is to see your GP and explain how difficult it is to get up and motivated and how you fear you might explode. Use an extended appointment and see what comes out of that. Maybe respite?
I’d also suggest that you reserve a while each evening just for you, not doing anything “productive” or seeing to another’s needs, but simply things you might enjoy, or take your mind of everyday living. It is not being selfish, it is looking after yourself, something you really need. I’m lucky I can read, talk to friends, look at a tv series being streamed, tickle the cat and enjoy being with my partner. You no doubt would have different list things.
It gives something to look forward to each day, and that little bit of self-reward gradually builds until you realise you deserve it.
If you felt like coming back and talking some more that would be great.
Croix
