Hello from a first timer :-)

[HelenR]

So, I'm a bit nervous and found it difficulty to find the START A NEW POST or NEW POST button which I thought I should find. So, it made me more anxious and made me want to run and stop using this forum but then I stopped and thought "well, this is why I'm here. I need to try. I'm looking for help and things are never easy." I've been told and I agree that such a small thing should not trigger any anxiety but then my 'shell' is weak and anything makes me anxious, fearful and, as a consequence, depressed. I really don't know how my husband wants to put his weight on me sometimes. He knows I'm not a strong person. When I was little I witness terrible domestic violence. My father, an alcoholic agressive man successful in middle-upper society would come home at night and would bit her up badly for no reason. My mother, in turn, would bit up one of my sisters (the rebellious one) and would try to beat up my elder brother too. My poor mother had 4 children and an abusive husband who threatened to leave us without income if she stood up to him. I was the little one. The nice obedient one. I will only watch what was happening. I couldn't do anything. I would just watch.

I'm an adult now and all that is past. My mother 'escaped' from my father's reach and we went all into hiding. We grew older and mum stopped bitting up my sister. I left my country, married a good man and have lovely well behaved children. But, I've been left with a sense of frustration, fear and anxiety which shows in my everyday life.

My problem is I cannot keep a job. I'm very nervous, always. I react with fear to anything that happens. Because my reactions are over the top, bossses look at me suspiciously. It makes sense to think that if someone has a strong reaction to you arriving when she's at the computer then she must have been doing sth funny in the computer. People don't react with what appear guilt or fear for no reason. But, I cannot tell everyone, "Hey! I'm messed up and I always react this way."

So, why I'm here? it's because I'm starting a new job. It's only a temp position but it's something and I don't want to leave a bad/negative impression of weirdness. Also, the anxiety makes me hurry and I don't look at a document thoroughly and I can make several mistakes. I know that when I'm relaxed my performance improves almost hundred percent but I find it difficult to keep that constant calmness and cool head for a long period. Oops! I'm exceeding the word limit. Thanks anyway

[Starwolf]

Hi Helen,

Well I'm glad you found that button. Well done for persisting and thank you for sharing your story with us. Welcome on board !

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to what you have to say. I too grew up in a dysfunctional family, except that I was the rebellious one... the one who got beaten up. I too suffered many years of crippling anxiety. No wonder you are living in fear and feeling helpless. Our present reactions are in large part the aftermath of past experience. When a pattern has been established from early childhood, its impact affects us deeply. The good news is if our present reality can be unconsciously created, we can consciously work on reconfiguring it. It is a long, at times difficult journey of self-discovery but it can be done. You deserve to reclaim some measure of control, peace of mind and improved functionality in everyday life.

But struggling alone is too difficult. Help and support are important. Are you receiving counseling ? If not, I'd suggest you have a honest and open talk with a GP to start with. You may need referral to a therapist to help you negotiate the intricacies of the mind (and the mental/emotional snarls and snags caused by a traumatic past).

There are techniques and strategies that help slow down a racing mind. Daily practice of mindfulness is a most useful tool (Mindfulness, Relaxed Breathing and Relaxed Body Scan can be googled). Smiling Mind is a good app to download. These strategies are a great self-help complement to face to face counseling.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, check the Facts section for info re Anxiety and Depression.

You'll find many relevant threads in the Depression/Anxiety sections of these forums. A safe place to connect, share...or just let steam off.

Here for you.

[Ellu]

Dear HelenR,

You sound as if you are in a really bad place now. Anxiety can be crippling and can take over your whole life. I have experienced periods of anxiety in my life, and wouldn't wish them on anyone, I think it is important that you talk to your GP about this, because there are medications you can take to help.

You say that your abusive past is "all over" now. I disagree. I, too, had a father who was an alcoholic (he hid it so well that no-one outside the family knew) and used to abuse my mother. I don't have to tell you how that kind of experience can ruin your childhood. But you might find that some of the symptoms you are experiencing now have their roots in your childhood experience. Have you ever thought of seeing a psychologist? Talking over your past and present with a trained professional can be enormously liberating, and might even have an effect on the way you interact with the world now. Sometimes we can't just decide to 'forget' the past, we need to talk it through to get it out of our system. Your GP can recommend a psychologist.

I am seeing someone now (a psychiatrist) and he is a fantastic help in identifying negative behaviours and freeing me up to become my true self. Please get help for the anxiety - it can really eat up your life. In the meantime, good luck in your new job, and I hope all goes well.

Ellu

[HelenR]

Dear Starwolf and Ellu,

Many thanks for your replies. You're both very helpful. During my life, I've seen 2 psychologists and had treatment with a psychiatrist who prescribed anti-depressants. My second psychologist was helpful and through a method where you write down your thoughts really helped me for some time. Unfortunately, tablets affect me badlly. I've tried several streght to no veil. I've also talked to my GP recently and she's keen to make see another psychologist but I cannot afford it and don't believe in them any more.

I'm interested in what Starwolf said above: "The good news is if our present reality can be unconsciously created, we can consciously work on reconfiguring it." very interesting idea can you expand on what do you mean by that sentence? How can you unconsciously create our present reality? BTW, I'll be downloading the smiling mind app. Many thanks for that.

And my temp work? hasn't ended yet but it started as all my jobs. Very high, but things go down little by little. I'm in my way down now. I can't socialise. I feel weird. I'm fearful and get defensive. And I'm sad because it seems that I can't control it. I'll keep trying though and will download that app.

[geoff]

dear Helen, I tend to agree that your childhood experiences are always deep in your mind and causing all of this trouble, because is there any difference when you think of it between your boss and your alcoholic father, both are in control and demanding, so in some way you're suffering from PTSD and anxiety so you feel very conscious of people who stand over you.
You can't think that all people above you are out to get you, but this is something a psychologist can help you with, so have you asked your doctor about the mental health plan, which will entitle you to 10 free visits to see a psychologist.
Geoff.