Guilt

[Hellsgate]

My story of continuing to cheat on my partners and husband! My husband still wanted me to stay in our marriage even after I had left when he was a work.. I’d had cancer and got the all clear and simply took off, after the support he’d given me, I just tossed it all away I hurt him so badly 3 times in 11yrs.

I’m unsure how I can cope with myself and the overwhelming disappointment I have in myself.. I’ve lost a person who stood by me who supported me.. and I can’t even give him a good reason.. I haven’t achieved anything in fact in my 50s I’m having to work full time to get by.

I guess I’m posting here to see if others are like me in any way.. my sadness isn’t easing,I constantly feel ashamed of my behaviour.

Im now living with someone I knew years ago!
I haven’t strayed, just remain numb in the relationship mainly..

[geoff]

Hello Hell's gate, I'm pleased that your cancer has gone and the rest of your comments aren't going to be easy to reply to, but you respect us to make a reply, and that's fair enough because everyone wants answers.

A reason may be that you went through all the treatment to cure your cancer and wanted to feel a new lease of life by having these 3 affairs that might have only started by wanting to meet with other people.

I know you feel ashamed of what has happened but may be you could tell your husband what has been suggested as you both endeavour to overcome this situation.

I know how upset he would be, but also understand your feeling as though you want to be born again and suggest relationship counselling together.

Normally I don't reply to comments like this but know the excitement about overcoming this cancer.

Geoff.

[Bexie]

Hi hell's gate

Thank-you for posting and seeking advice and I am so glad you have conquered cancer.

I am really sad to see that you believe you have not achieved anything in you life. Achievements are far greater than financial and work related, even though at times our world does not feel that way. Fighting an illness like cancer and getting the all clear is a huge accomplishment, that takes a lot of strength.

When going through my own anxiety I also feel these deep black and white emotions. My first suggestion would be to write down 2 things you have accomplished today. These can be anything, such as eating breakfast, getting out of bed, having a shower, brushing your teeth, writing the shopping list, going for a walk, etc.

Beginning by looking at little achievements everyday you can expand this to 5 things today, or 5 things this week and so on until those feelings ease. I find writing them down on a post-it note each or in a journal allows me to reflect back on these at my highest times of anxiety.

In terms of your relationship, I hear you say that your partner wants to move passed everything but it is time to think about your needs.

The family relationship advice line 800050321 might be the best place to call and speak about your concerns with. They are closed on Sundays but open: Monday to Friday 8am to 8pm and Saturday 10am to 4pm

Please continue to post here if needed and I hope even just voicing your concerns has helped relieve some of your anxiety.

[Guest_1055]

Hi... I simply cannot call you your chosen name. Because well you do not belong there.

I have read your post a few times. And what stuck out to me was that you said you felt ashamed of your behaviour. This is a good thing I believe... I see it as a bit like remorse. You realising that you did wrong by your husband

It's almost like your conscience is saying "hey you did the wrong thing" and the ashamed feeling is the consquence of it. But have hope... Perhaps you can rectify it by asking your husband to forgive you (if you haven't already) And say that you are truly sorry for hurting him so badly. It appears he did/does have love for you.

Then turn away from the cheating... because you are worth more then that. Treat yourself and your body well. Then work at forgiving yourself.

You can turn your life around

[Mk2692]

Hi Hell’s gate,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I think you deeply care about your husband and that's why you feel guilty. Even though you mentioned your husband doesn't want to leave your side and that he is a great person, i think you need to think whether this relationship is working for you. I'm not sure if you cheated on him because you no longer have feelings for him, but if that is the case, then you should be honest with him and find what is best for you. If however you do want to continue in the relationship then have an honest discussion with your husband, ask him to forgive you so you no longer feel guilty but also learn to forgive yourself. You would both need to work on the relationship to fix everything and move past it and start together fresh. I think it sounds like you have a lot on your mind and you have not had the time to think things through clearly. If you can take some time off work to do so and then you would be able to feel better physically and mentally. I understand you feel like you haven't accomplished enough in your life, it is never too late to accomplish anything or start a new dream. Everything requires hard work and determination. Also, it is not easy going through what you went through, it must've been really difficult having cancer. I don't know if you already see a professional to talk to about what you are going through, if not i would recommend ask the GP to refer you to a psychologist or a counsellor just to help you process your feelings and get things off your chest. Hope this helps.