Guidance Please

[ConnieB]

Hello everybody,

I'm new here and taking time to find my way around the site, so I thought I'd write a post to hopefully get pointed in the right direction.

I'm feeling rather overwhelmed, a couple years ago my father was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions but recently, it seems as he is getting worse, feeling unwell constantly and he has been depressed since the diagnosis. He is stubborn and old fashioned and will not ask for help or talk to somebody, he even refuses to try support groups.
My mother... Is no help, she has her own set of issues, but aside from that, and I quote, 'i just don't have the patience' to deal with him. This broke my heart.

Over the past few months, I have increased how often I see my parents. I used to live two hours away from them, but moved slightly closer, we are now only an hour's drive from them, we still have responsibilities in the last place we lived, and the kids have their senior years at the current school they're attending so we didn't want to disrupt our life too much.

But it seems it's not enough.

They are lonely. But won't do anything to help themselves.
They complain that there's no one to help them, and every week I see them, my mother always throws in a quick 'i don't care if I die'. She talks about dying Everytime I see them and it's not helping anyone emotionally.

My 17 year old son was recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, manageable yes, piled onto everything else going on in the past few weeks, overwhelming.

I was working out the other day, and I just burst into tears.
I have no problem reaching out for help. But how do I help my parents when it seems they don't want help even though they clearly need some?

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. My parents were similar to yours last year. Medical issues one after the other - this was also around the time dad was diagnosed with Parkinson. He also has/had GAD and worried about the smallest things. And asked questions repeatedly about medications etc. It got too much for mum at times and as you posted loses her patience. Our perception of our parents can perhaps be distorted from reality. Mum would look forward to me visiting each week as it was a way for her vent her frustrations. I'd talk to mum more than dad but I still listened to dad and where possible would drop him hints about what to do. It took a year of dropping hints but he eventually sought help for his anxieties. And other things started to fall into place. When mum said something I would probe for more information helping them find their own answers. Mum read some of the books I bought also. That helped her also. Remember they are also human. It probably helped that I was there all day each Fri for the better part of a year - the reasons I won go into in this post.
Getting them out of the house was also helpful.
That was my story and hopefully, you might get a couple of ideas from it - just being there and listening. If not the 1st conversation in the next the answers will come.
Tim

[White_Rose]

Dear Connie

Welcome to the forum. So pleased you have written in here and I hope we can help you. It sounds like your post would be better in Staying Well or Relationships and Family Issues. You may find others with similar issues in these sections. If you want to use another forum leave a message at the end of this thread saying where you have moved to so others can find you easily and chat.

Older people who have been brought up with a different set of values and beliefs do find it hard to ask for help or accept it. The exceptions I see are the family GP and the specialist treating your dad. These doctors have always been people to be respected as far as your parents are concerned. Is it possible to have a word with either of them? Who takes dad to his appointments? If you do this can you get dad to allow you into the consultation? That way you will know what he is being told and can remind him "the doctor said...".

My daughter comes with me to the haematologist most times. There is often lots of information which I do not remember at all or not accurately and I do not consider myself stupid or losing my memory. Another pair of ears can be very useful. You may be able to get the doctor to make suggestions about dad getting some help especially if it is about his prostate cancer. If the doctor says something dad is more likely to listen and follow through with it, or at least allow you to follow up. Once he starts getting some help it may make it easier to get other help not so obviously related to his cancer.

Does that sound as though it may work? I think it would work for me, although I do not have prostate cancer. I do have a cancer which is why my daughter comes with me and stays while I have my treatment. I find it comforting to chat about this and that. Nothing heavy, just the events in our lives.

I understand this may not be as easy as as I make it sound but it may be a way to show dad that he is not a weakling to ask for or receive help. Another reason for not asking for help is a lack of understanding of their illness. This is so often the case with older parents. If they understand more about their cancer and understand how their lives can be made easier and more comfortable it may persuade them to try. Fear so often makes us unwilling to step out and try something in case the situation gets worse.

Perhaps having gentle chats will start the ball rolling. I am happy to answer any of your questions.

Mary

[ConnieB]

Thank you.

My dad has never been a big talker, but when he does talk, its important. I've learnt to wait for dad to come to me when he is need, since he's been sick, he has definitely been more forthcoming, but still struggles with asking for help, I understand he's proud and I don't think or see him as weak at all. He's my dad. He still wants to go climb mountains. My mum talks all the freaking time. Usually about the same thing, for at least half an hour, changes the subject to something completely different, then back to the original conversation, then she'll start talking about death and dying. Its depressing.

I get more and more anxious about going to see them, I love them both dearly and have to constantly put them at ease that I will be moving back closer to them as soon as the kids finish school, or if anything happened, that we'd be there in a heartbeat.

There's 20 years between my parents, and mum has a short attention span. Her frustration with dad isn't really of any importance, she is complaining that he's 'too slow' or 'too tired'. And when dad has tried to talk to her, she just waves it off like its just a cold. My dad is frustrated and deserves better than that. Their relationship has been stressed for years before either of them had issues, I just feel like its a lost cause as they don't want to help themselves, no matter how many times my sister and I suggest counseling.

I would love to get them out of the house, but even that is a task in itself.

Apart from being there, I feel at a loss of how to help - except now I think I need therapy myself.

Thanks again. I will always be trying.

[ConnieB]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for sharing with me.

I will definitely go and check out the forums you mentioned. I woke up in a state this morning and had to get my feelings out.

I was the one who initially got dad to go to the doctor about his symptoms. It wasn't long after that there was an emergency room visit and scans and then a specialist, and more test, and more appointments. Each time was a new specialist, who glanced over his chart, my dad just kinda sat there, usually with a look of confusion on his face. My mother and sister were at those appointments too, but I was the only one asking questions, and had to explain to dad, and the others, certain things when he got home. Since his treatment plan was figured out, it was just my mum or both my mum and sister that went to those appointments as they were just administering injections.

He doesn't seem to see his GP all that often. Those are usually for mum and her stuff.

We have a hard time communicating because my mum exaggerates things (she's always done that), and it takes a while for dad to open up. I find it hard to get alone time with dad because my mum is a bulldozer! If she's not included she feels hurt and left out, but if she is there, dad holds his tongue so he doesn't upset her.

In all honesty, I dont really think she is fully aware of how dad feels. She just goes about her day, complaining about anything and everything, she's so negative and dad has expressed his frustrations to me about her. Seriously.... they need to work their stuff out, I can't help at all with that. Offend her in the slightest and its all over. No more talking.

She gets offended when I try to explain something to her, she goes off the deep end, 'i'm not a kid, stop talking to me like I'm dumb'....

I dunno... I can only be there, dad has already outlived the life expectancy the specialist gave us, I just don't want him to be miserable anymore. I can see the pain in his eyes when he talks to me about mums indifference.

He's done everything right as a husband and a father and it just pains me so much that mum can't be more... supportive, helpful, gracious, positive, HUMAN. Harsh, I know, but the truth hurts.

thanks again, I'm so glad that your daughter is there for you.

I will keep trying with them, no matter how hard it gets.

[White_Rose]

It's not easy to help people at times and I can see you are trying very hard. If your dad is having injections does that mean the doctor is there also? I know they do not necessarily need to be there. I go to the hospital on Thursday and Friday for three weeks then have a week off. I see the specialist on Thursday when he looks at my test results. I wonder if there is a similar system with your dad. If so can you go in with dad and chat with the specialist?

With mom can you ask her to explain your dad's illness or treatment to you? I was thinking she may respond and open up a bit letting you get in a few suggestions. Taking dad out on his own may not be possible if mom gets upset about being left out. I can see she may be afraid she is not doing the right thing but scared you will blame her if something goes wrong. Talking and being busy are two classic ways of avoiding real communication.

Do your parents receive any home help? I wonder if you could contact My Aged Care and get the ball rolling on help. I am presuming your parents are over 65, or at least your dad is and he is the person who would receive the care. Or talk to the Social Worker at the hospital who can start to organise these things. That's their job and I am surprised no one has spoken to your dad. These are ways to bring other experts into the family, so to speak, and they can offer a great deal.

A friend of mine has a physiotherapist go to her home weekly to help her with exercise which was organised through My Aged Care. This can relieve anxiety to some extent and make us feel more comfortable than sitting in one position for a long time. It would be a good start and if it helps it paves the way for other assistance. Costs are usually minimal.

Ask around and see what is on offer. Chat to the nurses if they are the ones giving the injections.

Just a few suggestions

Mary

[smallwolf]

When you spoke of the relationship between your parents my first thought was that of my aunt and uncle - well, he recently passed away. With my aunt you cannot get a word in at all. My aunt also likes to play the victim and there is always something getting her down. I have a greater appreciation of are going through.

Last comment on my aunt - we think part of her issue is to do with loneliness and not getting out.

Do your parents go out much? Do things they used to like?

I am parish admin at a local church which has a community based morning tea thing each week - it's a way of meeting other people. You could check out this sort of option?

Putting aside the way your parents relate to each other, what would you like to see happen? That is, if your problems were put into a box beside your bed one night before bed. When you were asleep the box disappeared and so did your problems. When you wake up, how would you notice any differences and the problems disappeared?

Tim

[ConnieB]

Thank you both so much.

You've given me much to think about and act upon.

I honestly don't think mum gets the true gravity of dads cancer. To me, she just knows he's sick and will die because of it. She doesn't really seem to think things through comprehensively, she's very much a black and white thinker.

They have had people come to the home when he was first diagnosed and was offered help but they refused all of it. At that stage,I think there was a lot of shock,grief and denial. My sister and I have tried to encourage counseling since,which still continues to get refused.
They did however get help with some home duties which is ongoing every fortnight.

I'm sorry to hear of your uncle, Tim. I hope you Aunt and family are adjusting.

My dad was outdoorsy and still tries to maintain his attendance at a club, but he is finding it difficult to keep up as his stamina isn't what is used to be.
My mum, bingo is her thing, that happens once or twice a week.
I believe they are both lonely but instead of finding a way to remedy it,they just bicker and complain about it.

As for the box... I just want us all to enjoy each other while we still can.

[smallwolf]

Black and white thinking - would you say then that if you are alive you are well and .... worry about the latter when/after it occurs? Perhaps expecting ourselves or the other to perform as they used to?

When my dad decided to give up driving due to Parkinson's it was a bit of a shock. However it did not take long for him to get used to the idea. I don't know how it happened.

Getting older is no fun - things you used to be able to do no longer, friends moving away, perhaps loss of independence. The first bit (the no fun part) is something my mum said once when she and dad were in the worst of dad's heath issues.

So the question is also how do you get to enjoy each others company?

One thing I did with mum was work out things that dad likes and every second week we would try to go out and do that - it could be a movie, gallery, ekka, etc. And in a sense give him/them something to look forward to. So he might not be able to climb mountains, but perhaps a mid-morning movie and then lunch can be good? (Once we went to the war museum in the city because dad's dad was in WW2.) I would also enjoy some solitary time in the botanical gardens. There are some sites which have lists of things to try out. Or get your dad to create a bucket list? Or they both can?

Peace to you,

Tim