Going through the motions of life without feeling like I'm living

SilentlyWilting · ‎08-08-2018

I've been dealing with depression since my mid-teens; got out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist a couple of years ago; and was with my younger sister when she had a miscarriage at 5 months.

After the break up, I took a break from social media and people for a month. In that time my ex had taken the opportunity to turn every single one of my 'friends' against me. I got back online to a barrage of messages calling me every name under the sun, acusing me of cheating on him (the reverse was true), and telling me I was worthless.

New email, new phone number, but the emotional damage has been done and I really struggle to trust anyone anymore. I have never found it easy to make friends in the first place, am an introvert (INFJ) and am generally happy on my own. I'm in a casual relationship (if you can call it that) with a guy, but he doesn't want to take it further and honestly, I'm not sure I could trust anyone enough that I'd want to.

I've been having nightmares of my sister's loss, vivid detail that I would really rather forget. Talking about it with my other sister didn't help, only gave her some insight into how much I've been trying to hold it together. She suggested talking to someone but I don't want to have to relive it, and while I think I've been coping ok, I wouldn't be here if I was.

Most days I just feel numb, as if I'm working and living in a haze. I don't have any hobbies or interests that I get excited about, or are social; so I'm essentially working, or at home entertaining myself. I've tried doing challenges like 'different activities for 30 days' but it left me feeling more alone than ever, especially when I don't have any friends to share the experiences with.

Suggestions for an INFJ on how to connect with people would be greatly appreciated

james1 · ‎09-08-2018

Hello SilentlyWilting,

Welcome to the forums and I am so glad that you have come here to try and rebuild your life after the break up.

I was curious and I apparently am an INFP, but I also read about INFJ. Regardless, I also struggle to trust people in an intimate way and had a particularly hard time after my own break up two years ago.

What helped me was getting back into my hobbies and joining up some meet up groups to meet new people.

I know you mentioned you don't have any hobbies or interests that have really held your interest, but I wonder if this is because, as you said, you don't have anybody to share them with. Are you able to look for any groups that you could do these hobbies with? I used to use a website called "Meet Up" and I joined some photography, board games, book club and writing groups.

Would that be an option for you?

James

SilentlyWilting · ‎10-08-2018

Hi James, I hadn't heard of meet up but will look at it over the weekend. Thank you for the recommendation

Doolhof · ‎13-08-2018

Hi SilentlyWilting,

James has mentioned Meetup groups, have you considered volunteer work at all? You may be surprised where you can volunteer! Even if you did something once a fortnight, you would meet new people and learn different skills.

I contacted the local council and also the local library regarding volunteering opportunities. The library had a list of places in the district.

It can be hard to trust people again, my suggestion is to take it slow, be yourself and be prepared for opportunities that come your way to meet new people.

Regarding the miscarriage, I would like to suggest that you do try and talk to someone about that. Yes it may be confrontational and may hurt deeply. Sometimes we need to confront an issue before the memory of it reduces and becomes acceptable. This is your choice of course.

All the best from Dools

LarkAscending · ‎17-08-2018

+1 on Meetup. It's great. Or Facebook groups for every interest under the sun. If you don't feel like leaving the house, even interacting online with someone about an interest is an improvement. And a lot of the groups will meet in real life to run or bike or talk about books or what-have-you.

When I'm in a hole and can't think myself out of it, it tends to be connection that pulls me out of my head and into the richness of things. It's really hard to get out the door though, if you can't imagine how it's going to be. That's where habit, professionals and medication can be helpful.