First time user just looking for someone to talk to

[Irenelauris]

Hi everyone, I am looking to talk to someone who also struggles with depression, anxiety and anger issues. I’m 22 years old and completely hate myself. I argue with everyone and push them away, I act like I don’t care and that I don’t need anyone but the reality is I spend most nights crying myself to sleep. I struggle with PTSD from a sexual assault from 4 years ago and also sexual harassment from my step father 2 years ago. This has given me constant anxiety especially at night, I live alone and am in constant fear that someone is going to break in and get me. This does not help the fact like I work roughly 85 hours a fortnight as a carer at a nursing home, a job where I have to be constantly happy and always have a smile on my face. As you can imagine it is exhausting. Just want someone who has gone though something similar to help me with positive thoughts!

[smallwolf]

So tell me... how was your day?

Thank you for your kind responses. The ideas that I have been posting here are thanks to my psychologist - 2 years of getting homework and I would have ideas coming out everywhere. You can also thank my psychiatrist as well - she will tell me certain reactions are normal given where you (read "I") have been and it sort of normalises my reactions etc. Things take time to get over, not like an instant cup of soup where a minute goes and everything is fixed.

Things got a little overwhelming for me today - trying to help programmers with their issues, plus phone call from boss and trying to figure out how to fix another issue at the same time. The last one I was finally able to delegate ... eventually. Fixed the programmers issue as well. It gets a bit like a deer caught in the headlights.

Glad the day is over now,

Tim

[Irenelauris]

My day started off really flat and down. Woke up about 6 and was planing to get up, shower, do a food shop and put together some flat packs that arrived a few days ago. I ended up getting back into bed, eating junk and not getting up until 1pm. I was really disappointed in myself but just couldn’t bring myself to get up. Then I started work at 3 and don’t finish until 11. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a lot more productive!

your job sounds very stressful! Does it get you down or keep your mind busy in a good way?

[smallwolf]

It can get me down - when I feel that I have too much to deal with at a time. Not sure if it is age related or what, but any more than 3 things and I get up. I try to and do put things onto paper, but when they are all in the your mind it gets hard.

So what do I do? I am a parish administrator in the mornings and software developer in the afternoon. Actually I switch up throughout the day depending on what has to get done, if something a taking a while on one PC I switch to the other.

But the truth is that everything that happened to me a was a result of IT. And there was a medical condition as well. And I want to get out of IT and do counselling. Why? Because I don't think that others need to reach the depths I did before looked out for help.

Back to you...

So you finish work at 11pm? If I assumed that it take an hour to wind down before sleep, I would guess that between 12ish and and 6 does not leave much room for sleep. I read a book by a sleep specialist talking about the for need for 8 hours sleep. See I would wake at 2am worrying about work, and 4am to feed the cat, and then get up at 6.30am - hardly quality sleep. Between my psychs was able to get a proper nights rest.

So junk food aside, you might be getting the rest you needed?

My son has hypersomnia - can sleep a long time but does not get the restorative effects.

Your positive things for yesterday were...

- getting out of bed

- going to work rather than staying bed

- and i am sure that you made someone at work smile.

Should I ask about the flat packs?

Tim

[Hanna3]

Hi Irenelauris,

That's great that you've decided to see a doctor and maybe get a referral for some counselling help/advice. Well done you. Looks like some others have offered some good advice too. I'm really glad you decided to come onto BB, it's helping me a lot, so stick with it. It really helps once you get to know a few "regulars" and knowing it's absolutely safe and supportive here. Take care and good on you.

[Irenelauris]

Yea sleep is a massive issue, I recently got a weighted blanket and that’s helped a lot. And as for the flat packs you don’t wanna know! Haha I’m currently attempting at renovating my home and I’m up to the decorating time so a lot of packs and little stuff to do. Which helps me a lot on my good days because it keeps me busy. On my down days I just ignore it all and leave it for another day.
also following on from you, my positive things for today have been

- actually having breakfast before work

- having a stressful day at work but instead of taking the stress home I didn’t

-brought fresh fish for tea and am actually going to cook myself tea tonight

I also spoke to one of my close friends that I actually haven’t really spoken to for about 3 weeks now (I got in one of my moods and yelled at her for no good reason) and she rang me today and I was able to bring it up and apologise. Normally I ignore the situation and hope they do as well, if not it’s usually friendship over.

[Irenelauris]

Really struggling tonight.
Carpet court are meant to be coming to my house to fix a blind that broke. The only time they can come is before 3. I finish work at 3. Told my mum and she organised with them that she would get a spare key off me to let them in to do it. Would only be here for 5 minutes for them to fix it.
my mum is still dating the man that harassed me and even though I told her I only want her and the carpet court guy here, I don’t trust her.
I’m scared her partner is going to drop her to my house and come inside to wait. I don’t want him in here. It makes me scared and I’m starting to feel physically ill from it.
I just messaged her and told her to cancel the whole thing but I’m still worried in case it still goes though. She often thinks I’m being stupid with things like this.
this probably sounds stupid. I don’t really know. I also feel like I’m being ungrateful and she’s just trying to help me.
I need to sleep for work but instead I’m sitting here crying for over an hour. I’m feeling scared that he might come here. Stupid for crying over it. Guilty because mums trying to help me. Upset because we don’t have the kinda relationship that I can talk to her about it and stressed because I know I should be sleeping for work.

whoever reads this is probably going to think I’m over reacting and maybe I am.

[smallwolf]

Sorry about the delayed response...

Over-reacting?

Things have happened in your life for this response to be your normal process. Perhaps you might also find a positive in that you you recognise that your mum is trying to help you. And I can also get anxious about timing of things like that also - I even make sure i arrive extra early at the airports.

Also I have cancelled Carpet Court installation on the day. You won't be the first or last to do this.

Do you have any tools (like short meditations or word puzzles) to help short circuit the negative thoughts? I use a program on my phone called virtual hope box. It is worth looking at.

Hope you weekend is going ok.

Tim

[Irenelauris]

Had a full on panic attack that night, scared the hell out of me. I’ve had them before but never so bad. Looking back I feel so stupid.
I know my mum means well but she is still with him and I feel like that will always scare me and not allow me to trust her fully.

also normally I can snap myself out of it by watching a favourite tv show, going out and watering the garden, reading comics etc. but I just couldn’t this time. They seem to be getting worse and lasting longer.
I ended up just running a cold shower and jumping in fully dressed to just try breath which eventually worked.
felt stupid after I calmed down but it worked I guess!

[Guest_4643]

Hi Irene. I'm Tayla and I'm 20.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your sexual abuse, and from your step father too. That's heartbreaking and it made me tear up just reading that. I can't imagine the pain you deal with, I wish I could give you a hug.

I cry myself to sleep most nights too and I've never experienced that stuff myself, I hope I never do. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Do you have a Doctor, a Psychiatrist or Psychologist at all if you don't mind me asking?

I really hope you're OK, I'm so sorry that I can't think of much else to say right now. But please know I'd love to try and support you and I hope I can do that.

Big love and hugs. Please stay safe and take care xx

Tayla xo

[Irenelauris]

Hi Tayla,

thank you so much for the reply! And yea I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone!

I haven’t spoken to my doctor yet but I used to see people when I was young for depression but that was prior to everything happening. I have to go to the doctor but I just gotta build up that courage before I do!