first post - not a new member

[thomas1029609]

I signed up late last year and just finding the courage to say hi

well the short story been on medication and going to counselling for almost a year with a few ups and downs, my life lately has changed with a fair few positives from buying my own house to meeting an awesome partner and now with a 10 week old baby. i still some days feel why? and what am i doing? what am i doing wrong?

I also sometimes feel the counselling isn't working and just a lot of telling me what i should do not helping with the situation like the empty advice my mum would give when i was a child (just be happy and it will be ok).

however my job well today had a surprise performance review and well made me feel like just wanting to walk out the door and quit. i had issues over the last 2 years and about 12 months ago got worse. the managers comment how they "saved me" and convinced a client to keep me, along with past issues etc and interview feedback from a prospective client.

i know i need to get out of my job and i feel im only just hanging on at present, iv applied for some jobs and had some interviews but my struggle is when already feeling depressed and down to be the bubbly, enthusiastic, confident and ....i look at those words in the job description and feel how?

thanks for reading

[blondguy]

Hello Thomas

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community

You have great strength and self awareness by posting and thanks too!

Firstly congrats to you for having seen a health professional and taking the action you have and especially on the birth of your new son. You have an awesome partner and buying a house too! I know you have worked hard for your success.

The counselling should be working considering the time (and effort) you have taken to attend. I understand where you are coming from as I have had anxiety and depression for many years and it took me about 3 tries to find a therapist that I could 'click' with. Empty advice is not something that you are after...especially if you are having more 'down' days than you usually do. If I may ask you....has your therapist ever had you in a position where you have had a good vent or even cry? This is always a sign that the therapy is working well.

I have been in senior corporate roles for many years up to January this year. 'Performance Reviews' is an interesting term on its own. In any performance based role nowadays there are high expectations even to the point of over dramatizing any slight drop in figures/output etc so you can try to achieve the impossible. Management always set the bar higher than what we can really achieve to maximize the revenue which in turn they benefit from either as a senior manager or company director.

Translation......You and your family come first....you come across as an achiever that does his very best. Those ads you read with the usual blurb about 'bubbly' 'confident' etc are just a sales pitch to get the best person they can to achieve the goals they 'expect'.......

My first acute anxiety attack was in 1983 when I was 23 and I have been working in a similar environment(s) since. I just read the 'Human Resources' adverts and applied even with depression and most of the time succeeded in getting the position even with depression and low self esteem....It is a pain...but can be done

Having any degree of depression is no different to having a physical illness whether diabetes or heart disease.

If you can use the courage you have by posting here and you are contented working in your current market/position please keep applying.

My Kindest Thoughts go out to you and your Family Thomas 🙂 Congratulations again to You!

Please do post back...I will keep an eye on your new thread.

Paul

[Pabs]

Hi Thomas,

I am new here too and I just read your post which really resonated with me and thought I would say hello.

I work in a fairly senior role within an organization and I believed that this is all I ever wanted until this year after my dad passed away when I am now questioning whether the money and success is really worth it. I now find my self becoming anxious at work having to be responsible for a team of people and working with processes and company culture which I do not agree with and tend to want to walk out most days as I can't understand why the organization can't simply change these things for the better of its workers. There is nothing worse than been extremely ambitious in a career only to have your peers and senior managers not see the value of what you can bring. Unfortunately this is an issue in so many companies but I feel that as new generations come into play this will change but it's not going to be a quick fix.

On Wednesday I became so anxious I left the office and said I was going to 'a meeting' only to find my self at home in a spiral of depression wishing I never had to go back. I then drank my self into oblivion and called in sick the following day (this is definately not advisable).

ive now had a good think and made a plan that I will look to change direction either by finding a more suitable organization which is happy to make changes and grabs hold of new thinking or look at a completely new career which it ultimately something I enjoy but with very little money as a reward. The second option looking more and more appealing!

My advice to you would be to take a look at all the great things you have. You sound like you already have much success you should concentrate on that. Work is only a job at the end of the day and every place you work in is different - it's just a lottery finding the right one!

Good luck

P

[blondguy]

(sorry Thomas for butting in your thread)

Hello Pabs...My name is Paul and I just read your post to Thomas....

I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your dad. I dont know what that feels like as I have both parents.

If you get this post I would would like to quote something you said that was so very very true....;

"I am now questioning whether the money and success is really worth it"

Well said Pabs...and I agree with you...it isnt.

Kind Thoughts for You

Paul

[thomas1029609]

Hi Paul i have read and re-read your post over and over, Pabs I'm sorry about your loss.

well i know iv always been shy and lacked confidence even when at school had days I just never wanted to get up. since then had a variety of jobs and at one point having a full time job and a issue with another employee and a bit of bulling and no confidence to stand up for my self went and quit that job. after a few years of causal work and then study I got this job through someone in my class. its not a senior roll (sort of helpdesk) and (im 34) and well i sometimes feel like i just fell into it straight from study (i dident have much idea or plan what i wanted, plus i dident get into IT for the money i was hoping something satisfying and rewarding with cool technology). I now feel iv made a mistake career wise and not sure what way to go and that my personality and confidence is what holds me back.

due to the way things work im starting to feel anything i do is wrong and i dont know where i stand and i get conflicting instructions and people just standing on my toes and i get pushed back out of the way. since the issues last year a bit of bullying and feeling i was not part of the team and they were trying to push me out part my own fault i would get to work late and not want to be there (who want want to work somewhere when they are made to feel they are not welcome) and well lead to getting a warning (and my company not listening to my side of the story but only the client) but good thing i was moved from that client. though the hard bit has been trying to pick myself back up, the confidence is getting worse and when no one listens to my input and especially since i work in IT and providing solutions ...ect and now the anxiety its all starting to cause

ok enough rambling from me for now

[blondguy]

Hi Thomas

I do understand your feelings especially on self-esteem or self confidence being low. If you stay in a work environment that is negative in nature sooner or later it will have a detrimental effect on you..anxiety..lack of sleep...

I dont see any problems where your personality is concerned Thomas. You are a kind, caring person who is also a good communicator too....You are lucky as you are young (34) and work in IT. I am 56 and was made redundant in January this year.

Anxiety even being an awful set of symptoms are common. When I feel really dark with my depression I have a fortnightly visit with my GP/Therpist who gives my confidence a boost and makes me feel better.

How often do you see your doc? I know you mentioned that its not working as well as you wish. Low self confidence/esteem should be very treatable Thomas..especially with having job issues and a wonderful new 10 week old baby!

If I may quote something you said above "now feel iv made a mistake career wise and not sure what way to go and that my personality and confidence is what holds me back"

That confidence issue can be treated Thomas. That much I do know....having a good therapist is like having a good 'coach' in sport...Please let me know your thoughts on this and what you wish to do.

You never ramble Thomas...Its great to talk to you....:-)

Kind Thoughts for You

Paul

[thomas1029609]

Thanks

[thomas1029609]

Hi

well a lot to think about and consider as iv got a therapist appointment tonight ill need to discuss more frequent appointments then stretching them out to ever 6 weeks as its not helping in resolving these issues and trying to address my confidence and anxiety

well iv been thinking bout where i am with work and trying to focus when it seams everything in my head is cloudy and being told i need to fix "all this" and that its something only "i can fix" makes me wonder when its all fixed has the damage been done, and will employers and clients relationships be able to be mended and all be water under the bridge or as long as i stay at my current employer those things will continue to be the way they will perceive their opinion of me and my work

thanks for the help and advice

[blondguy]

Hi Thomas, no worries at all 🙂

If your therapist isnt working as well as you wish I dont blame you for rescheduling the appointments.

What you said about water under the bridge is right. Looking through the windshield and not the rear view mirror is always easy to say but with practice does work.

You are a smart and caring person Thomas.

Here for you

Paul

[white knight]

Hi Thomas. Glad you have posted

Some great posts have been issued already here.

Can I give you some reading? Google these

Topic: bullying- beyondblue

Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue

Topic: depression and sensitivity, a connection?- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Cheers

Tony WK