Feeling unable to connect with any other people

[Nidh00g]

Alright, here we go... 

Hi... I'm not sure where to start but I've been living my life unable to connect to anyone in an emotional level. This extends not only to new people but also friends and families that's considered 'close'. My parents raised me to never complain and used to ridicule my vulnerable moments by stating that 'you're just weak'. It makes me scared to ever show my feelings and saying no to people which always end up throwing me into a loop of overworking and burnouts. There's also my DID (or maybe my desire to have someone to talk to without being judged is the cause of my DID) that stops me from opening up to people because I've had someone calling me delusional for explaining it. Whenever I tried to explain who I truly am, it always ended in rejection that I just decided to give up.

At one point I can no longer take it and decided to hurt myself which I fortunately, or unfortunately, survived. When I reached home that day the only thing I can do was laugh saying that I almost slipped off the bike due to lack of sleep, but to be honest I cried so much afterward asking why god still didn't allow me to die.

[sbella02]

Hey, thank you so much for reaching out and welcome to the forums. We hear you. It breaks my heart to read what you've been experiencing, and it sounds like this has been something that's affected you for a long time. 

Firstly, resources like Lifeline (which is 24/7) are really great if you're struggling with thoughts of hurting yourself. They're kind, caring, and patient, and they'll talk you through what you're struggling with. You can reach them on 13 11 14. I've spoken with them a few times in my own times of need, and they've always been fantastic with me. 

You can also visit our Beyond Blue homepage, you can either call or chat online with a counsellor if you're feeling like you need to. You can find all the info here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

It also sounds like you haven't had many experiences with people who've understood or truly listened to your experience. I want to start off by saying you will always be heard on the forums here - we're here to offer you resources and our words of support from our lived experiences.

Are you seeing a GP or psychologist at all? There may be a number of support groups, particularly for people with DID, that you may find comfort in, if you haven't tried this already. A GP, therapist, or psychologist may be able to point you in the right direction if this is something you may like to try.

Who are the people in your life you consider close? What kind of relationship do you have with each of them, and who would you feel most comfortable confiding in, if anyone at all? 

I know that reaching out to others if you've already had negative responses can be difficult, but if there's anyone in your network who you feel would listen, I'd encourage you to have a chat with them. It doesn't have to be somebody you've opened up to in the past, it could be somebody you haven't seen in a while, or someone you've been meaning to chat with for some time. It also doesn't have to be anything heavy, and you don't have to disclose things you don't feel like you need to. You could start off with a catch up over coffee or brunch, for instance. 

Otherwise, if you're seeking ways to expand your social network and find new connections who you may be able to form strong emotional bonds with, do you have any hobbies or interests? Do you like sport, are you religious, or are you interested in volunteering? These can all be ways of finding new social connections who may be likeminded.

Please feel free to keep chatting, sharing more of your experience may help us tailor the support we give, if you're willing to. You are valued and heard here.

Talk soon, SB