Feeling dispair

[david_1967]

Hi all

Not sure where to start.

I am a 56 year old guy, and have always suffered depression. Never quite felt happy. I was diagnosed with ADHD fairly late in life, and recently been told I have C-PTSD and high functioning autism.  All this explains my life well, but doesnt help me get through it.
I have always felt like an imposter, and tried over and over to make a success of things, but just seem to keep messing things up.

Lately, the business I own has had more blows to it, and left me feeling even worse then ever before. My lows are so low, but I have to put on a brave face, and be strong for the family.. but I dont feel strong anymore. My wife is already so stressed and gets more stressed when I say anything, so I keep it to myself now, so as not to worry her more.
I have always felt very young at heart and in body (I dont look my age), but recently have started feeling very old.. old and despairing. 

I sit at my computer trying to work, and nothing happens.. I get to 80% and then realise I should do something else, so I start on that, and then get distracted by another thing... and around it goes..
I dont know how to keep going, and just need some friendly and understanding people to talk to.

Anyway.. hope to hear from someone...

cheers

[Eagle Ray]

Hi David,

I feel for you in your situation and I can understand why you are feeling how you are. I have complex PTSD too. Several years ago now I also received informal assessments from counsellors a having ADHD and high functioning autism as well, but neither was qualified to give a formal diagnosis. Due to dealing with multiple other issues since then and at present, including health ones, I'm not inclined to try for formal diagnoses, especially with the current costs involved. But just wanted to say I can relate to some of what you are saying as I also feel like I am someone trying to operate in a world in which I do not quite fit. I have worked at multiple jobs and done several courses of study (at TAFE and Uni), yet still have almost nothing to show for it at age 48.

I think maybe an important thing is recognising that your brain may operate in different ways to many others and that does not make you faulty. It just means there may be other ways to approach tasks. I recently was looking at a website on self-employment with ADHD and there was an article about a guy who found his brain worked much better if he did significant exercise first before starting his work day. So he would go for a ride on his bike in the morning. He would have his laptop with him in his backpack. He would then stop at a cafe where he would sit and work on his computer (from memory I think he was a scriptwriter). He found his brain would flow then and he'd have quite a bit done in a few hours. This was much better than starting work at home where he would get really stuck.

So just wondering if there is a way you can change your daily pattern, even try a different work location after exercising like the above example, or something else that works for you? My brain is often a mess and I swing between hyper focus and being completely scattered, so I relate to the distraction thing.

I've read and learned quite a bit about Gabor Mate's writing on various topics. He is a physician diagnosed with ADHD himself. He feels it is often linked with early life adversity such as what occurs in C-PTSD. He has a book called Scattered Minds which I haven't read yet but want to. I just thought I'd mention it in case it is helpful.

I don't know if any of that helps but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I think it's learning to see the value in who you are and that you are likely to have certain gifts from the way your brain works. It's just hard being the square peg in the round hole, trying to fit in with wider social norms and expectations. I managed to find a really good psychologist over the past year, so just thought I'd also mention that if it might be something that helps you. You may be doing that already. I had to try and find someone who was the right fit for me and eventually did, which can be very healing, just that feeling of being understood.

Take care and sending you friendly support.

[david_1967]

Hi

Thanks for your reply.

I have tried pretty much everything you mentioned above. I was seeing a psychiatrist who formally diagnosed the C-PTSD as coming from my early childhood traumas.. a very rough childhood. He also formally diagnosed the ADHD and autism.  He said he had ways to help, but its all just so expensive, which I cannot afford at the moment. What with the economic climate and my own inability to actually do anything, income is minimal at best.

Over the years I have seen so many psychologists and psychiatrists, but nothing seems to help at all. I have tried hypnosis even, but was told that I am in the the 5% of population who cannot be hypnotised.. great!

I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle all the time and feel trapped inside a prison of my mind, with no way out.

I will look at the book you mentioned.. thanks

[Eagle Ray]

Hi David,

That’s really tough all you are dealing with, and working to keep your family going too. Yes, the cost of therapy can be a lot. I wonder if you might be able to get some advice from the Blue Knot Foundation who specialise in assisting people with C-PTSD? I’m just wondering if they can direct you to affordable assistance. They have a helpline 1300 657 380 that’s available 7 days a week from 9am-5pm (Eastern states time). You can also email them at helpline@blueknot.org.au

I’m also wondering with all 3 diagnoses whether you might be eligible for some support of some kind. I know some people are eligible for some NDIS assistance in relation to their autism diagnosis. I don’t know enough to advise on it, so you would need to investigate. Possibly your psychiatrist, especially as he gave the diagnoses, might be able to give some advice.

One thing I have found is a lot of what presents as ADHD and autistic-type behaviours and thinking seems to have a lot of its origins in the early complex trauma. Somehow it seems these things are all intertwined in my case. I mainly work on the C-PTSD with my psychologist, but I’ve found that does quite a lot to alleviate some of the other things. I don’t know if that’s the case for you. But it might be that working on the C-PTSD could have a healing effect in other areas.

 I know it’s not easy. The C-PTSD I’ve found gradually improves over time as I progressively work through one thing after another. I’ve found spending time in nature really helps my brain too. It’s like it gives me a chance to decompress. I imagine you are busy with work and family, but wondering if finding some downtime in nature/outdoors might help?

Take care and know you can also call the Beyond Blue helpline too if you need a chat with someone. I’ve done it when I’ve gotten stuck or overwhelmed. Their number is: 1300 224 636

Sending best wishes.