Early 30s, female, new chapter

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure how to start this but here we go...

I'm in my early 30s and have made a lot of mistakes. I hope that I get a second chance. Wish I can do better. Want to do better. I feel like I've screwed up so badly by my own hand. Not that it's an excuse but I never had bad intentions,
just dysfunctional and stupid ways of coping.

Avid music lover, paradoxically troubled yet privileged childhood. Childhood scars seep into my relationships and I constantly screw up. Time and time again. Still don't know how to be in functional relationships without either abruptly cutting people out of my life or else, I don't stay but keep almost everything to myself. "I'm fine" is my favourite line. I've blocked more people from my phone than I care to count (some justified and others less so).

At a crossroads. Hoping for redemption and a chance to be a better person. Trying to start a new chapter in my life and be less of a crappy person.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your very thoughtful and insightful post.

My coping is a combination of things: the old nature versus nurture debate. Let's just say the "nurture" part has played a role in my often maladaptive coping mechanisms and relationships. I'm not saying it's an excuse but saying it played a part. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about my family here...

I have played an on-off cat and mouse game with depression for a good chunk of my life. Sometimes sought treatment, other times not. Anxiety comes and goes in waves but is usually overshadowed by the "sad waves." My current mental health status is unchecked in terms of professional assessment.

I think that my current concern is moving forward and not repeating past mistakes (as you have commented on). Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

Pepper