Driving while drinking alcohol

[Jen1950]

My husband drinks rum and coke while driving his car. I only notice this if I’m in the car with him and when I ask him why he’s doing this he gets angry. I feel disrespected and I’ve told him this. He tells me it’s just a drink, he’s not drunk and is ok to drive. Should I stop asking him to drive me somewhere if I need his help? Eg my car is not available for me to drive myself. He drinks every night and falls asleep, spilling drinks on the floor and furniture. We are both  in our late sixties, both married previously, live alone on an isolated property. No public transport here. This happened twice this week, I told him I was shocked and felt disrespected, he said I’m always pissed off about something. He’s a good man but has some awful habits. I’m not perfect, I want to be happy and not anxious about his drinking habits. It also costs a lot of money. I have suggested alcohol free days, this never happens. He is also a smoker and I have a no smoking rule if he’s in my car. I dont smoke so find the smell off putting. If I’m in his car and he lights up, I open the window to blow out his smoke. Do I put up with his behaviour or keep being pissed off and telling him how I feel.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Jen

I can understand your concerns as him driving is not only illegal but very dangerous as well. Maybe asking him to use his car and drive yourself might hopefully solve the problem.

I can see that you're very concerned about his habits. It's usually a sign that he's mentally dealing with something and doesn't know how to do it healthy way. It's really hard to know what it is without him opening up and talking about his problems. Maybe letting him know that you care about him, want him to be happy and ask what is it that is bothering him might help.

I hope that things will work out for you, please let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it

[sbella02]

Jen1950,

Thank you so much for posting here, we warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, there seem to be a lot of layers to your experience that complicate things. 

Your boundaries are valid and reasonable. Always. It is so important to recognise within ourselves what behaviour we will and will not accept from others. From what you have said here, he seems to be dismissive of not only you and your feelings, but also of your boundaries. He seems to have shown consistent disrespect for you by overruling them.

Speaking in a very general sense, there are many reasons why people drink alcohol, and a lot of the time it can be a form of escape, rebellion, or relaxation. Regardless of the reasons, these only explain but do not excuse disrespectful behaviour. It is more than okay to have standards and expectations when you are in a relationship, particularly for things that potentially jeopardise your safety - relationships involve both people looking out for one another. One drink may not seem like a lot, but there is plenty of evidence out there that it impairs judgement, especially while driving, and you are well within your rights to set your boundaries for the people who are in control of vehicles that you step into. 

If you feel that this is something that you'd like to work through together, it may be helpful to have another open and honest conversation with him about how he is feeling and most importantly how you are feeling, and to perhaps uncover the reasons behind his drinking, should he be willing to share. If you can, try to approach this as non-judgementally as you can, and his response should give you a good indication of where his head is at.

To make your next steps easier, do you have any loved ones who you would feel comfortable reaching out to, to confide in about how you're feeling? It can help to have some insight from people who know you and your story quite intimately. 

Alternatively, to speak to somebody confidentially about your experience and how it's made you feel, you can reach out to 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for a chat, and to make a plan for what to do next.

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like. We're here for you.

Take care, SB