Overthinking because of what I have done

[Guest_79026771]

Hi everyone 

I have cheated on my partner of 20 years twice and she’s always fought to want me back and I have gone back to her . Now that I love her and will never do that to her again I’m having trust issues where I think she is going to do that to me so I’m overthinking every word she says. She used to always blast me and say she thinks I’m cheating on her but now that I’m not cheating anymore because I see a future with her forever. Now she’s chill and doesn’t blast me anymore it gets me worried because I feel like she doesn’t care but she’s always telling me she loves me and wants to marry me and be with me forever. Is it just me overthinking and how can I deal with the voices in my head telling me stupid things. Thanks for listening and I hope someone can shed some light on why I’m feeling like this and how to move forward with her so I no longer take my frustration out on her and others 

[sbella02]

Hey there, thank you for your vulnerability in your post, and welcome to the forums. It's not easy to admit something that we may not be proud of, so well done for taking accountability in this situation. 

If I may shed some light based on what you've said, it sounds to me like you may still be feeling some guilt or shame about having cheated on your partner, which may be heightened by your her compassionate reaction. 

This could help to explain your feelings:

1. If these feelings of shame or guilt have been bottled up for a long time, they may come back up to the surface as different feelings, such as anger, frustration, or a fear of experiencing the same hurt back. These feelings may feel safer to express, rather than admitting to feeling guilty or ashamed, which can be tough.
2. You may feel overwhelmed when reflecting on your experiences of cheating. To ease that burden, your mind may assume that somebody else is also doing something equally hurtful to lessen some of that guilt. 

I am also wondering whether your partner is aware of you having cheated. If not, you may find it beneficial to have a really open and honest conversation with her. It would also help to approach the situation with the goal of understanding her perspective, and trying to empathise with how she is feeling. It can feel really intimidating, but it may be worthwhile to relieve some of those difficult feelings that can come from bottling it up.

When you say you have been "taking our your frustration", I imagine that you may mean this in the sense of having arguments or fights, and please do correct me if I am wrong. This may mean that you need a safe and healthy way of expressing that frustration, which can come from activities such as exercising, journalling, or talking it through with somebody (loved ones, a GP, therapist, mental health professional).

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like to.

Take care, SB

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you 🙂

I find it helps to give a name or sense of identity to the 'voices'. Kinda like 'That's my inner critic' or 'That's the stresser in me' or 'That's the saboteur chatting away up there in my head' etc. I find it can also help to tap into aspects of self that can be or more help than hindrance. This is along the lines of 'If I was to imagine there's a sage in me and I was to ask the sage in me what the heck all this stuff is about, what would it say?'. Perhaps the sage in you would insist 'Ask her 'Why the change in nature? Why has everything suddenly started to feel more comfortable in the relationship, between the two of us?''. See what she has to say. If she's sensitive (with the ability to sense quite easily), perhaps she simply senses your level of commitment now and senses a more solid future with you. Maybe this is the reason as to why things have settled into a less stressful and more loving relationship. Btw, if the saboteur in you is insisting 'Don't ask her, that'll just rock the boat and upset things', that part of you could be sabotaging the opportunity to develop greater levels of communication between the two of you, something that's important for a strong relationship. If your partner was to say 'Why are you stressing, don't you trust how much I care about you?', you could always say 'I trust you 100%. This is more about my own insecurities' (if that's the case). 

I've found an open and honest relationship with clear communication, especially in regard to feelings, helps facilitate progress.

Inner dialogue can be an absolute mongrel at times, putting it mildly. To master it can be a massive challenge. There are times where we won't be conscious of it at all and times where it can make for a kind of 'hell on earth' experience, where we're fully conscious of it. It definitely pays to master it. As a 55yo gal, I'm still trying to master it, which helps enormously when it comes to managing overall wellbeing. When I say 'overall wellbeing', what I mean is that inner dialogue doesn't just mess with us mentally, it can impact us physically at times (regarding our chemistry, nervous system etc) and it can also have a soul destroying impact if we don't remain or become more conscious of it. Have faith that you're in the process of mastering it. With self mastery come great challenges. Sounds like this could be one of those challenges.