Depression and perimenopause

[Guest_21657714]

Hi there, I’ve gone back to bed today again and just cried and sobbed. The past few months have been the worst. I’ve been feeling so hopeless and sad, deeply miserable. Classic depression, no joy in anything but it seems more than that. But perimenopause mixed in, I’m catastrophising and feeling so anxious. I’m feeling lost and sad and no idea how to get through this. My husband is drinking excessively more and more and not working now for 3 years. I feel I’m trapped “looking after him”. He spends every day going to the pub. But thinks there’s no problem. I’m feeling trapped and so hopeless.

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Depression is bad enough on it's own, but going through perimenopause on top and having no support from your husband, it is no surprise you are feeling miserable.

We now have a section on menopause and Beyond Blue had a webinar on it recently so putting the links below for you. There are a number of women here that are going through menopausal issues, so you might like to read through some of the posts as well as connecting with those you feel may be good support at this time.

It's most unfortunate that women have been trained to think they are obliged to look after everyone but themselves. Your husband is a adult, he is perfectly capable of looking after himself and if he has a problem with drinking, it is his problem to fix, not yours. You need to focus on helping yourself now by taking good care of yourself in all areas of your life. That includes getting support from a therapist, eating well, medication if needed and taking time out that is just for you. I would highly suggest a visit to your GP who can help with both medication (if needed) and therapy. In the meantime, please watch the replay of the webinar as it a helpful conversation for women going through perimenopause and menopause.

Webinar: The Menopause 'Mind Field'

This link is to the section and has links to forum threads on this subject along with a couple of other links that may be helpful:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/treatments-health-professionals/menopause-and-perimenopause-webi...

I hope this is helpful and please continue this conversation if you wish, we will be here for you.

indigo

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as such an incredibly challenging time in your life. ❤️🤗

Sometimes I wonder whether we're designed to become super sensitive under certain conditions. Btw, I'm a 54yo gal and pretty sensitive at this stage of my life, to a lot of things 😊. If someone had have said to me earlier in life 'There's going to come a time where you'll become super sensitive. Do you know how you're going to manage that?', my response would have been 'Hell, no!'. And, yes, super sensitivity can feel like hell on earth at times, that's for sure. To offer a handful of examples

• I never used to experience the slightest of fluctuations in body temperature but now I do. My challenges is to manage the fluctuations strategically
• I never used to feel chemical shifts in my body unless they were extreme but now I feel certain subtle ones, as they come with side effects (aka 'symptoms'). How I manage the chemical shifts depends on what type of chemistry is in play, including hormone related chemistry
• I never used to experience subtle shifts in blood pressure or electrical charges/glitches/surges in my brain but now I do and I've learned to manage feeling such subtle shifts without stress involved. Btw, such shifts can be regarded as migraines or silent migraines ('acephalgic' or migraines without headache) in some cases. I can relate to silent migraines
• I never used to experience enraging levels of intolerance when it comes to my husband's drinking habits but now I do. I should add, the type of emotion or 'energy in motion' I used to feel before it became rage-like was depressing energy. The energy was transformed through certain much needed revelations. It was depressing when I used to question myself a lot. Stuff along the lines of 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I manage my marriage to be a happier one? Why do I have to be so depressing and hard to get along with?Why can't I be more easygoing?' etc etc. I was often taking responsibility for questioning more productive and greater ways forward, responsibility for managing everything he didn't want to manage or couldn't manage while being 'less conscious' (not sober), responsibility for accommodating his drinking and the list goes on. As I gradually woke up, bit by bit, to the amount of responsibility I was taking, I started to become 'angry' and far less tolerant

When people say 'Gee, she's become intolerant', when a woman goes through perimenopause, my first question is 'What are you expecting her to continue tolerating?'. A fair question, in my opinion. Are we expected to continue tolerating what's intolerable, what's unbearable, what's depressing, what can be stressful, exhausting or something else? I did suppression for years and boy did it get depressing at times.

Flipping the script, a newfound intolerance toward certain factors or people in life can become a kind of 'super power'. It is an incredibly natural or super natural energising power that definitely needs to be managed carefully and strategically. While the intolerant part of me can tempt me to take to certain relationships with a high powered flame thrower (enthusiastically burning bridges), my inner sage plays a crutial role in managing. Can sound more like 'Put your flame thrower away and tread carefully while not tolerating such behaviour from that person'. When the inner sage comes to life for a middle aged woman, it can feel like a relief and a blessing 😁. I've found my inner sage/guide can help manage emotion.

You have worked so hard, you have become so exhausted (by the sound of it) and you are going through major energetic shifts. Time to give yourself a massive amount of credit for being a downright legend. ❤️

[Eagle Ray]

Hello and welcome,

I can relate and while perimenopause began to be noticeable for me at 41, it really became horrendous from age 47 with extremely debilitating anxiety and depression. I’m now on hormone medication and the difference is obvious so the underlying factor was clearly hormonal. I see a hormone specialist doctor which I have found has been better than trying to consult regular GPs who are often limited in knowledge in this area in relation to the impact on mental health, but I think there are some out there who are more knowledgeable.

Dr Louise Newson is a UK doctor specialising in this field and she has a podcast you may find helpful on various perimenopause/menopause topics including many on mental health. Professor Jayashri Kulkarni is an Australian psychiatrist who has specialised in this area and if you search for her articles and talks you will find quite a bit on perimenopausal depression and she’s also in the webinar indigo mentions.

With the medication I have had to get the balance right, but I’m now on a dose that is working for me. Dr Louise Newson also founded the Balance app where those going through this stage can communicate with others, ask questions etc. The app includes ways to track symptoms as well.

I know it’s got a whole different feeling of its own, the perimenopausal anxiety and depression, but it can also compound any existing depression that was already there. In a way I’ve found it’s brought all my issues to the surface, which in my case are largely based on past trauma, but that’s also presented an opportunity to work through those issues.

 I think we can, at this age, develop less tolerance as the rising mentions and in some ways this can be a good thing. It may be that you find you begin to set boundaries and say no to things that are not ok for you, such as looking after your husband with his drinking issues who as indigo says is old enough to look after himself. He needs to take responsibility. In the last few years I have begun saying no to people and situations so, so much more and beginning to prioritise myself. You really, really need to make yourself the priority in your life and focus on what you need to start feeling better and find the resources that support you.

Take care and sending you a supportive hug,

Eagle Ray