Being me

[Emotions26]

 I cannot work out how to see all of the discussions

How can I read all responses?

Confused and lost before coming here

Who do I ask and how for help?

The above was written last night - day 2 of joining BB

I have responded to several posters and received some lovely replies.

I have also responded to a post written by a member a while back expressing confusion about new set up here.

Now I feel that I might have intruded upon that person's personal space.

So I went searching.

Somewhere found the suggestion start with introduce yourself - have no idea now where that is - no matter - I am here now

Then I thought.

I will start a thread or post or page myself.

Possibly nobody will reply and it will sit and collect dust.

If I don't try, I will never know.

So I have come to this place BB to extend my practising being me which I have commenced in real life.

Not an easy exercise and most people who know me are not particularly enthralled with the emerging of the new me - no surprise really as I have spent far too long listening to everyone else's egotistical chatter.

I found by chance, yes, a thread or passage by someone writing about an analogy of their life being a performance on stage.

I wanted to reply as the words intrigued me and I would love to be able to converse with that person.

I too am extremely  deep.

Well, I could not work out how the page seemed different again!

So being me is proving to be as difficult an exercise in the virtual world as it is in the real world.

Any thoughts.

Should anyone find this; read this and want to continue the conversation.

It would be nice to hear from members who are replying because they want to as much as support from champions and other titles is appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far.

[mmMekitty]

Ems, I don't mind detailing what's up with my sight, beginning with Rubella Syndrome, being born with cataracted lenses, then one was removed, then a couple another 14 months or so later the other eye gets operated on. That eye, my right eye, has never been as useful as my left. I also have a nystagmus, & since the late 1980's I've had glaucoma, which, I've been told, might actually also be related to the Rubella Syndrome, but my Ophthalmologist can't be entirely sure about that.

Now my sight looks like a mess, blurry & so poor I qualify as blind. I don't trust much of what I see.

I can't read text anymore, can't see any details on the computer screen, which is my big tv screen, I can use instead of getting a monitor. My tv is a 'smart' tv, with some voice features. I need the things happening on my computer to be announced to me, for everything I do, including my typing. I need any tv or movies to have audio available. description.

I use a white cane to help me get around without tripping up, or over things. I am more comfortable with someone to guide me around objects. I've had to accept that I mus be in physical contact, lightly holding their elbow, for this to happen. It's far better to do this & avoid numerous incidences of people unexpectedly coming into contact with me. That sort of thing can still be quite triggering. I no longer can imagine myself to be a block of wood, insensitive to such contact anymore

My hearing loss might also be related to the Rubella Syndrome, though, again, there is no certainty about that. I have very little hearing in my right ear, but a fair bit of tinnitus. Recently, I found out my hearing has declined in my left ear, so soon, I'll have a second hearing aid.

Not definitively diagnosed yet, but it seems I do have some cognitive/memory problems. There is something there in the last MRI I had. Getting some expensive assessments soon, but I won't know the results for a couple months.

You know, I'm getting older now. Getting my grey hair, too. My arthritis is getting worse....  this is how it goes???? Little by little, more is taken away from me????

Yeah, it gets me down to think about it.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello mmMe

Thank you for feeling comfortable enough with me to talk about your living with pronounced sight issues. 

You would be very aware of the everchanging research wins. You have had to live through many "possibles" and not fully answered which I personally find so challenging. I am a person who needs to understand what is happening with my mind and my physical body. Many people prefer not to know and I often sense that the medical world opts out to the latter sometimes conveniently. At the end of the day science can never hold all of the answers only help research address some issues and help provide better quality of life for some.

You have adapted well to your condition and adjusted your living conditions accordingly as best you can. This is by no means an easy achievement. Again I think of you as strong and independent. I would find it very hard to accept that I still need assistance from others yet you have done this to your credit. Then again I have had to accept other circumstances within my life that I certainly would not choose to. Living the experience really makes up the mind one way or the other. Now coming to terms with hearing loss would be very challenging as your sensory perception is strong. I have moderate hearing loss and cannot currently wear my hearing aids as the nasty Covid has left my ears very sore. So I am just riding it out putting it on the back burner as I deal with other life tests. Hearing aids are good if you wear them every day as your mind has to adapt as well as your body, ie ears. MRI testing is expensive. Some of mine have found other issues as it seems yours has. I probably would not be here as a tumour was found near my spine accidentally whilst having tests for my heart.

I do not have to deal with the lack of sight and all of the challenges that people take for granted. I do know about mental health issues later diagnosed as being present from a young child. Throw in my super sensitivity and hmm life!...I imagine that you have been down the track of a support dog for blindness. They also have specially trained dogs for loss of hearing. They are such beautiful animals aren't they....All makes sense about how you feel at hydrotherapy now.   You are a beautiful person mmMe whether you can see, hear or remember.  I hope that you get told that often as I have seen you reach out to many.  Most would not be aware of your challenges as some people are totally focussed on their own. I always say "We never know that person's story".

I know a little of yours.  Thank you.  Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf,

I noticed your reply by accident the other day and today could not remember where it was written.

I have not written on "Being me" that often; only resurrecting it recently. I am back in the mode of working at being me

I started writing about this when I first joined and my mind was quite chaotic. I really struggled following the platform. In real life I have a very low if any sense of direction and that is what happened mentally on these forums.

I still feel as though I am writing in a huge vacuum where I cannot see anything else around me.

I know that I am slightly claustrophobic. I do not like enclosed places.

So I am still finding my bb legs. I totally understand your seeing my reply (just now).

Family problems create so much angst. I have just been discussing this on the Inner Critic section.

You do not have to explain as it is hard to know how much to say.

I think that I wrote a whole screed somewhere on how do I answer "what have I been doing lately?" .

Short answer. Not much. I don't really know. I don't remember. I struggle with dealing with each day. Blah blah.

So you are a listener as well.   Listeners do tend to listen more than talk.

I have not been able to get out into my garden as it has been raining quite a bit at the times when I could be out there. My garden and nature are my saving grace.  Animals and almost everything living. Not reptiles and not most insects. Not all humans either laugh. In fact the latter the list is diminising as the years go by.

So much about what I haven't done. Not a very inspiring reply.

I hope that you find some time for you and moments of peace.

Ems

ps I listen also

[smallwolf]

I had a psych session today so emotionally drained. But I can reply and say to you that I have lizards and birds to feed at my place. Some of the birds are a little picky. And about 2 days ago, a king parrot landed on the railing of the back deck and walk along it thinking I had some feed for it. At that moment I did not. I went inside to a small piece of fruit, but when I went back out .... it had flown to a tree in the backyard. Maybe next time?

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf,

Apologies about the late reply.

I have not been feeling the best and felt like you mentioned, emotionally drained.

I understand the feeling that way after a psych as you called it session also.

That means that we worked hard during the session as well as in between them.

I also have lizards but they do not appear very often as I think that they sense that I am frightened of them. I have a phobia about snakes.

Birds are beautiful aren't they. I put fresh, cool water out for them on hot days when I remember to. Sometimes they not only drink but bathe and splash also.

Of course my cat has to go and check it out when he is allowed outside with me.

I do have many varieties of birds as there are so many trees across the road beside my own.

I love the kookaburras when they visit me. I have had them follow me home after walking alongside the river talking to them only to find them land in my tree moments after I arrived home.

Ems

[smallwolf]

the lizards climb up the brick work and rest in the sun on the front deck. They are still scared but also look in wondering if we are going to let them nibble on something - like an old banana, or bit of meat.

There is also one that lives somewhere in the backyard and if s/he sees any meat being given to the kookaburra runs out very fast. I find it fascinating how fast they can sometimes run.  

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf,

I think that you might be quite fond of your lizards.

Reptiles love and need the sun don't they.

They do move very quickly when in need, be it for defence, attack or hunger. Their movement reminds me of a swaggering slither.   Eek they still frighten me. I grew up in different where there were not reptiles thank goodness so I am not familiar with them at all.  I do remember a frilled neck lizard on our steps and my mother throwing a bucket of water onto it to get it to move away. The frill came out and it hissed.  We both ran inside and locked the doors.  Shudder.

I managed a walk in the sun today and there were no magpies watching my every move.  I told them the other week, very nicely,  that they visit me in my garden and perch in my tree so they can let me pass without swooping. I do not bother them so not to bother me.  Worked on that day.

Enjoy your wildlife

Ems

[smallwolf]

both my wife and daughter tell me when the lizards or birds are about - they sorta expect me to feed them. And obviously the lizards are less picky than some! This morning (or yesterday) the magpie was next to the kookaburras and this was before I fed them ... sang a little song so gave it a small piece of meat. 

I might tell you about the python next time 🙂

[Emotions26]

Agh that is in the reptile family. Way too large!  Smallwoof it sounds as though word has got around. Food a plenty at their home 😉

Ems