Anyone awake???

[Wilba]

Hi new to the forum usual stuff of can't sleep after a rough day just wondering if anyone is around?

[mmMekitty]

***Trigger warning, domestic violence***

Oh rats! I just hit the wrong button again!

I've been online all day, searching out answers for a safe way to send a fax via my computer, with not fax machine, which I only discovered was possible, this morning. I'm not quite confident with what I need to do, yet. It is times like thee I would like to have someone very handy, someone who knows about computers, online stuff, all that technology - I can't keep up. I barely can think what to google search for.

It was such a nice day out there,too, except the neighbours thought it was meant for arguing. I find that I can't concentrate on what I am trying to do, even after I determine no one is physically getting hurt.

I end up feeling really exhausted again, so I did have a snooze earlier.

They do get me thinking how I used to live with this stuff around me,sometimes targeting me, & wonder how I could have ever felt I was unaffected. All in my head, that.

Sometimes that's what's struck me most, how what we have experienced has impacted me in ways I had not imagined. I can hardly believe it, that I was in so much risk, & how deeply & widely the effects are.

all my memories don't seem to fit within the years when they happened.

the one thing I did,, helped me endure. I had kept parts of my life & the people associated with them, separated in my mind, compartmentalising is. I would still like to do that now, if I knew I could also really keep myself safe, because I didn't.

Again, though, I was doing the best I could. For a person who was drifting from here to there, not caring where, or to what, because it or I didn't matter. & I felt untouched, or to be honest, told myself that lie to convince myself 'no problems here'. Shoved whatever into my inner room, imagining nothing could get out of there & drifted on.

I wish I didn't have to spend time & effort trying to sort through my own mind, & just toss it all out, begin again with nothing in there... but I don't know who the person I'd be if I could. I doubt I would be here, talking to you,& others. Maybe I can say something of my own experiences, which will have a small, but helpful effect on them & their lives.

I don't want all my experiences to be only about damage & pain, or for nothing.

mmMekitty

[Wilba]

Well my experience of you is a gentle and caring soul who was willing to listen when I needed them

I'm sorry that these things have happened to you my childhood wasn't to amazing either there was violence and the overwhelming memory is being scared sure there are good things and I was never abused but like you it was always around and that's a scary thing

So you think the putting things Ina room had made it easier or harder? I find I just forget or I say I do it's there bubbling away but if I can just keep forgetting then it seems to hurt less not a good long term solution I guess

[mmMekitty]

Hi Wilba, thank you. It means a lot to me to know people hav someone who listens.

For a long time, from when I was a teenager up until late 1992, 20 or so years, I thought it was perfect. My thinking was not critical of what I had achieved. I did not register the downside of what I did. I was barely existing, having convinced myself I felt nothing. Nothing got in, & nothing got out.

Caused me lots of problems. I came out of it feeling I had lied to myself, fooleed myself, & didn't have a clue about what all these emotions were & what to do about them.

I've spent all the years since early 1993, when I first took myself to see a Psychiatrist, because I was not coping at all. No one seemed to want to help me, or even recognise how much I needed help, as if they could not see what was happening. There were certainly times when I asked someone, when I had panic attacks, too, & no one helped. I felt, as always, on my own, & so I had to get help for myself. I've done that ever since.

Slowly, I began to gain some understanding, & most feeling have settled of their own accord, even the memories aren't as intrusive, but sometimes... I can be back there, & panic. Sometimes I drift off in my head, & not sure what's going on, what people are saying, not hearing my book reading, or tele, or music either & loose track of time. That's similar, too, to something I did way back then.

I endured by denying. That's what my inner room was, a place where I could hide everything so no one could get in trouble, I could move from one environment to another, & no one could notice anything wrong.

I could go out & have dinner at the table, just like always. I could go to school, Come home, visit my friend, & not have a connection between any.

If I could, sometimes I would again, sometimes I see what it cost me, & wouldn't. My options were limited, & that one may have been the best. Yet, it too, had leaks. So, Iwould not recommend it to anyone, not really.

I don't think I ever actually forgot any of it. Had I met & trusted someone enough, & had they asked, I would have been able to recall everything. I had simply shoved everything into my shelves in the room, & left them there. Only to feel it all tumble out in a torrent over & over during some months. I could not hold it or myself back, but for short periods of time, like when I had to go out, & not always successfully. ..

Later,

mmMekitty