Dear Blckdog18~
Welcome back to the Forum, by the sounds of it the problem has gotten worse in the intervening years with violence and toxic behaviour added to the mix.
I hate to have to say this but there are some things we simply can't do. I'll go further, at one stage I though I had cancer with around 3 months to live. That gave me plenty of time for reflection and I found htat there were so many things I felt responsible for, but in fact that was me taking over other people's duties.
You know what you can do is limited, and I'm sure this makes you feel helpless and probably inadequate, and grieve for the loss of your son. It is only natural to want to help the one you love -and you can't.
Mind you the person you loved in the past has gone, you are dealing with someone very different now.
You did have a system before where you would visit him occasionally, however he responded in the end in a horrible manner and I've no idea if you have resumed visiting.
To be blunt shutting off extra money is very hard, it can make you feel guilty and if he gets into trouble of one sort or another that will add to your guilt. How you balance that I don't know. Maybe there is something in giving a little food or clothing instead.
I guess trying to balance is the thing you are not doing well. There are all sorts of situations where there are no good choices and that is where coping skills come in. If there was an easy choice no coping would be needed.
If I remember correctly you had a psychologist, councilor or other advisor 2 years ago. Now would be a good time to gain assistance, not in advice of what to do, but to learn coping skills that are better than the ones you have now, sitting down and watching YouTube.
How does your wife get on? I'm sure she must be feeling bad, if only with concern for you.
Again my apologies for being blunt.
Croix
