just had first psychologist app.. feel weird/stupid and confused

[Guest_161]

Iv just had my first appointment , due to loosing my brother in january, iv been feeling angry, depressed, sad,guilty, i just cry all the time, initially i was contacted by palliative care and was asked if there was any counselling needed, i failed on 2 attempts and didnt turn up as i just felt i would be a crying mess and in reality they cant bring my brother back. But its been the past month or so that i felt i needed some help as iv also lost a couple of friends and a few other issues in life and its been making me feel even more emotional, so i decided to see the gp and get a referral .

First thing was i was late, morning traffic plus rain so i was already embarrassed before it started, then i just had no clue what to say and felt stupid again that I'm over reacting and of course I'm gunna be upset with my loss, i didnt sleep last night because i was so stressed i would just cry and not get any words out but then i managed to go 10 minutes with out crying and then felt like well if I'm not crying and I'm here for grief wtf ? ( i did manage to cry as the more convo went on ) I'm not sure if it was because my session was only shortdue to me being late but she didnt really ask me a lot of questions apart from what feelings are you experiencing and when i did cry she just sat there and looked at me , i felt uncomfortable , i didnt get to talk about a lot in depth and felt like i spoke to fast and jumped to saying something else n just didnt make sense. my main issue is my grief but i have a few other issues i delt with in the last few years going through my brothers sickness and still dealing with them which makes my grief worse , will she ask me about other things or do i just bring them up ? she did mention she felt like i hold my feelings back i was unsure of what she meant and she said I'm not here to be your friend , this is all in confidence , I'm here for support with out the judgement , i just said i know that i guess I'm here for help but when i start to talk i cry i dont want that.

i DONT KNOW JUST FEEL WEIRD 😞

[startingnew]

hello

this was your first psychologist appointment. its very common, more often than not. that people are nervous. its ok to be nervous. they are there to help you. and she is right, she is there to listen guide and help you without the fear of judgement.

now is a time to BREATHE and know its ok. she will help guide your sessions, you dont have to worry about what to do or say.

all those feelings that your describing- fear, uncertainty, uncomfortable to expressing feelings, having trouble speaking about the event and/or your brother. its all normal.

well done on getting that help and support that you need. very well done, its now time to start healing

sending lots of hugs, encouragement and support

[Croix]

Dear Guest_161~

I'm very sorry to hear how life has treated you, also about that first visit, though I would not be too discouraged at this stage. Just reaching out though your GP was a big step in the right direction. While nobody can bring your brother back professionals can guide you in the process of coping.

Would you mind if I asked if you have been diagnosed, perhaps depression or some other illness? This is not prying, just trying to understand so advice can be more meaningful.

For many people the first visit to a psychologist is confusing and strange, however that does not mean you can't take action to try to remedy this.

It does not look from your point of view that the initial meeting was that successful. You sound as if you are frustrated in not being able to talk about everything and that the whole thing was directionless.

While she is right that she is not a friend her patients still need to have confidence in her and trust her. This relationship is something she has to assist in building.

So perhaps you need an organized approach to start with. If it was me I'd do several things.

The first thing is before I left home, in fact over the preceding few days, I'd write down in dot-point form all the things that were worrying me, and my symptoms. I'd plan on handing over a copy in my next appointment and ask if I can go though them with her. With everything written down it does not matter so much if I break down, things won't be lost.

I'd start traveling earlier so I got the full time, even if I'd have to wait when I got there, maybe enough time to get a cuppa near the appointment.

I would ask her how the consultations work, what is the format, what is the goal for the whole treatment, what you are expected to do in your normal life outside the sessions to help the process along? Again if it seems wise one can write down these questions first too.

Apart from a psychologist do you have any other personal support? Family or friends you can talk with, who will listen and care? Grief can be shared.

I'd like to know what you think about this

Croix

[Guest_161]

thankyou , i hope she does guide me through a bit i feel as tho i am going to sound like a scattered mess

[startingnew]

That really is ok

Shes there to help you.

Im sure your not the first or the last person to be a 'mess' ive been in that state many times and after a while talking became abit easier. I could open up abit more and let her in and to help me. It took time and its not something to be rushed. They are aware of that too. So takeyour time. Open up graduallyor as much as you want to.

I really is ok

Lots of hugs and encouragement

[Guest_161]

Hi, no i havent been diagnosed for depression in my referral my gp has mentioned seems to be depressed since her loss. Thats another thing i wonder about when i left the gp although i mentioned that I'm depressed most of the time, i cry a lot and regret a lot of times i didnt spend time with him and it brings me down a lot , i had a full week about a month ago when i went to bed all that ran through my mind was my brothers final days it was quite traumatic for me and i would start to panic and clench my wrists and cry n cry and just say why why did it have to be you and I'm sorry for a few things out loud, i didnt sleep for a few nights and went to the gp and asked for some stronger meds to help me sleep but i get addicted to them and think if i dont take them i won't sleep so now i dont have any as i dont know if the gp will prescribe anymore. but yeah i wasn't diagnosed for anything i looked into ptsd n ticked the boxes for that but she didnt mention i might have it , i did tell her i prefer to see if i can get through it with talking to someone first rather then any antidepressants, i stress out really easy and knowing some cause weight gain that would make me even more depressed.

I did a bit of trying to search first appointments last night and what to expect i had read the idea of writing things down and it was something i was going to do, i mentioned this to her and i think she didnt understand what i meant and thought i was only going to write my feelings as she said this is what you are here for to say them out loud, but when i left there were so many situations iv been through this year loosing a brother to loosing 2 friends and having 1 steal money from my home to having a car crash, so i think i will write all this down so she can get a little bit more of an understanding of me and how i am exactly feeling and why. then it goes to not being able to go back to certain places that i went with my brother as it just brings back pain full memories.

my next appointment is next week and i most defiantly plan on arriving on time, thank you for your comment

[Guest_161]

is it weird to want help but not want help out of guilt ill start feeling happy and scared ill think less about my brother everyday , because i am sad he's always on my mind and I'm scared to loose that

[startingnew]

Your brother wont ever leave you. Your therapist will help you through your grief and st the end of it. He wont be forgotten but your memories will be more pleasant. Youll focus on the pleasant memories of him. He's part of you.

[Guest_161]

i totally get what you are saying, and if the rolls was reversed i would be looking down wanting him to be happy but as they say we dont ever seem to be able to take our own advice , i just miss him terribly I'm a single mum who not only hasn't seen his dad in 3 years but better off with out him, i had another partner who my son absolutely loved but he ended up in jail we supported him through it and even through my brothers death problems started over a year ago with us and we aren't together now , sorry point was my son has seen him come and go and now lost his uncle so 3 males in life have left him. i dont have a big support group iv pushed friends away after my loss , I'm not the one to take any crap and as i know they could see i was still obviously not normal and not coping it was getting to me that they just stopped asking how i was anymore , so 1 i just thats it a true friend just doesnt not call in a month or text and another friend i just pushed away , i dont know if its normal but i just felt like if i had an argument with them the only reason i was acting like i was was because I'm angry at the world and my patience has gone down, but not wanting to remind them of whats happened to me and how I'm feeling hence my behaviour because of looking silly by thinking its just an excuse now.

i replied to croix which hasn't appeared yet but that post also says a little bit more about a few things. thnakyou for your kinds words x

[startingnew]

grief is a very powerful thing. it can affect people in many ways.

when it starts to affects u more than we can handle, its time to get that help which im glad you have accepted and are going to see a psych. thats really good and im super proud that you have.

pushing people away is quite common with people who have MH issues as well. and while its hard to connect maybe try contacting some of those other friends and jsut seeking how they are. you dont even have to meantion your brother. you can build freindships without grief overwhelming you.

sometimes its good to just talk about work or how your going in general, catch up over coffee.