Incorrect Diagnosis=sectioned+10 psych Meds/day+9 ECTs+3yrs Medicated+No Support = Total destruction

[Djordat]

Alone,

No Supports, No Life, No Help, No Future = Supported Assisted Self Annihilation with Directed Indignation!

How Happy, It is to be me!

If ever there were a need, to off myself, again!

The system, would Surely know, how to achieve it!

Not a Waking Moment Goes By, that I don't wish for that, or something, just, Anything!

Years Now! In silence, By Silence!

What is There, in Anything!

If everything is Silent!

[melodica]

I can hear how deep this darkness is. When you write that not a waking moment goes by without wishing for it to end, that speaks to exhaustion and is not weakness. That kind of relentless pain can make death feel like the only option.

I haven’t lived your treatment experiences, so I won’t pretend to understand that part. But I do know what it’s like to sit in the kind of darkness where ending everything feels like relief. In those moments, it can feel absolute and permanent, like nothing will shift.

The fact you wrote this tells me there is still a part of you that wants to be heard, maybe even helped.

If you are at risk right now, please reach out:

• Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7)

• Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 (24/7)

• Beyond Blue Support Service: 1300 22 4636

• If you are in immediate danger: 000

You do not have to survive this alone. Even if everything feels silent, there are people who will sit in that silence with you.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Djordat,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It sounds like you truly have been through a lot. We're really sorry to hear that your experience of receiving treatment has left you feeling so unsupported and disappointed. That is a lot to be carrying, and we hope that sharing here can make things feel even a little bit lighter.

We’ve reached out to you privately to check in and see how you are going. Please know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and online, and if you ever feel unsafe or unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000. 

Our amazing Community Champion, Melodica, has provided some great resources above, too. We strongly encourage you to reach out - you don't have to go through this alone. 

Thank you again for sharing. You're always welcome here.
 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M   

[Djordat]

Hello, melodica!

Many thanks, for your kindness, and words of support!

I have tried every avenue, without success!

Every service, law firm, supports, Gov, Commissions, etc, etc, etc.

Every time is the same, no Response, no support, no help!

What are you to do, when 000, is the only way, and I know how that will end up!

I was never like this, so utterly Hopeless! Only since this began, has life been this indifferent!

And Not by my hand at all? No chance to prove this, no reviews at that level, only meds, meds or worse!

Now I'm trapped, my Autism type, prevents harm to everything else, but me! And I can't kill anything!

That leaves me on the edge every time, I can't even get away from them like this, I have to stop, right at that moment before peace comes, and return, patch up, and continue on in my ruin of a life, persecuted every day!

My efforts drain me, any self is fleeting, and it builds again with each failure!

I also have extensive C-PTSD, and I am 63 male, and after significant compounded trauma around 10-11yrs old.

I remain fixed there in time! Everything except my body!

I can't abide photos or otherwise of me, or mirrors, as it does not match me inside, and confuses my overall wellbeing!

Trying to explain this in any way, or me!   Over and over and over and over and over wears me down greatly!

As the body pays, for my failings!

I have no idea, what to do, I have been forced to attempt, to end my time here 9 times so far, from age 8yrs.

Most recently, 4yrs ago now, but never stops, 22 waking hours a day, I'm thinking of things that involve me dieing, by my hand or not!

Really, just to get away, and out of the way!

But there is no Peace, I know no one, and have no family!

I only hope that someday someone, will come, who cares for me and what happens!

I spent my life trying to help others always! And new, the entire time, that I would die alone!

sorry im out of strength! Take care!

[trying_my_best]

Hi Djordat,

I am so sorry that you have experienced so much difficulty in your search for answers. 
As Melodica said, if you feel you are in crisis, please call: 

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back: 1300 659 467

Beyond Blue Support Service: 1300 22 4636

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Djordat,

I'm so sorry to hear of this incredible stress you are going through.

A few things came up that I wondered about. You mention everything being fixed in time except your body. You also mention seeing yourself in photos and mirrors and it not matching what is on the inside. You also mention the C-PTSD. I am just wondering if anyone has looked into dissociation or dissociative conditions with you? I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and I can relate to having difficulty processing my image in photos and mirrors. I also have multiple parts within who are from different times. So the body progresses in time but the parts are scattered across different ages, genders etc. People with DID come from C-PTSD backgrounds. Not everyone with C-PTSD has DID, but people with DID pretty much always have C-PTSD.

I am not saying this is you, because I really don't know, but I just wondered about it. It is something that is routinely missed when it comes to diagnosis. Over 90% of people with DID are misdiagnosed to begin with and it can take years before a clinician recognises and diagnoses it. This may not be you at all, but I just wonder if anyone has ever looked at this possibility with you, just in case? If it is DID, you can begin to get real help and support. There are resources out there. I am learning to live with mine.

I am wondering if it would help you to speak with the Blue Knot Foundation, if you feel able. They specialise in supporting people with C-PTSD. Their phone number is 1300 657 380. They are open every day from 9am to 5pm (eastern states time). They can be in demand so there can be a bit of a phone queue. You can speak for usually 30 minutes and sometimes 45 minutes if they are less busy. It is free and you can call them once a week. I just thought if you explain your situation they may be able to provide some support. They work on providing safety and stabilisation, but also may be able to help you understand your symptoms.

I want to emphasise that I'm not saying you have DID. I definitely can't know that. I'm just trying to understand your symptoms. You mention the Autism. I have read that those with autism who also have a history of trauma are more likely to have significant dissociation. I feel like you just need the right help to get to the bottom of what is driving your symptoms. I can hear how alone you feel and I recognise that is so hard. Feel free to keep communicating here if it helps. We are listening to you. And there are the helplines the others have mentioned too. It's ok to keep reaching out for support. Take care.

[melodica]

Hello,

Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. It sounds like you’ve been going through a really difficult time. I just wanted to check in and see how you’ve been since your post a few days ago. Please remember we’re always here for you if you’d like to talk.

[Djordat]

Hello, Eagle Ray & others!

Thank you very much for your reply's!

I was only diagnosed 6 months after the rest of this was over, The Psychological Treatments and Meds plus evasive treatments!

I was left, almost a vegetable compared to my previous state of mind!

Three years of Psychology, with GP involvement arrived at a correct Diagnosis! Last year!

Autism/level 2/Arrested Personality Development/Complex C-PTSD/A-PTSD.

Trauma of some kind has been my constant companion, and Death walks alongside me in silence!

I am comforted in it, Death, the thought of Acceptance and belonging!

I have spent my whole life with myself, and have placed myself at the bottom, of all things long, long ago!

That way I can not fail, and I watch everything from here, and I learnt to survive!

Unimaginable things, ridicules things, Things that defy all reason! But there is always worse, so this is nothing! A voice speaks quietly, in my mind; and in life I become invisible, to everyone but them!

To many now, to hold on to! And then adulthood, showed just how different the same could be!

Physical things, are acceptable, and even tolerated; but the mess it leaves is Not, not at all!

No way out, leaves coming to a definite understanding with your self, we will prevail; My three parts,

My Body, My Awake consciences-ness, My constant self-aware mind, sub conscience!

Making adjustments continuously to cope, with each individual, is draining!

Without education or not much, I'm left vulnerable to academics, with words and tricks!

My time here is almost Done now, as I prepare for the next round of rubbish to come my way,

I will have to see how things progress!

I am sorry for leaving these messages, Here, I suppose I want to have some kind of contact with people!

It gets very incomplete, never having a conversation about something just for fun!

The constant alone time is easy to deal with, but nothing is the Same, without amenable personal, interaction!

The thing you wish the most for, but you know it is impossible, the closeness of true connection!

All the creatures and all the world keep me company every day, But this part never fills!

Thanks again for listening to a 10.5yr old boy in a 63yr old experienced, Scared, and worn body!

Take Care And Many Thanks!

Djordatt.