i think i'm autistic but i'm scared

[Guest_30167691]

i think i'm autistic and/or have adhd. but i'm already 21 years old and am working a corporate job. it sounds great to most people, but i call in sick at least once a week & am so burnt out. but i'm now realising that i felt this way in year 12 where my perfect attendance and pretty decent grades just plummeted and i barely graduated with a piss poor atar and a barely 40% attendance. the older and more self-aware i get, the harder everyday tasks become and everyone just tells me i'm lazy and that i need to "push through" but i don't think i can do this anymore. i can't afford professional treatment or medication which i believe will improve my quality of life, and i'm so lost and confused. as a young girl i was always so mature and developed so much faster than anymore, and now the older i get i feel like i'm mentally regressing. i'm so scared and i feel like i can't to anyone about it. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, your situation is a carbon copy of mine and now I'm 70yo and very happy, but you wont need to wait that long before you turn it all around, let me explain.

We are all individual, we are not a carbon copy of the next person. We grow up differently and our family, environmental and heritage are so much in contrast. So in my case I had two sides, an extremely responsible side and a maturity of 13yo when I was 17yo when I joined the Airforce. I didnt know I was immature. I was so enthusiastic I couldnt slow down and got into a lot of trouble. At 21yo I became a prison officer- same thing, could do my job but emotionally wasnt in tune with other officers. So by 30yo my maturity caught up a little maybe I was age 20 and I had huge anxiety issues. under treatment. At 50yo I can safely say I was 50yo in maturity- I'd caught up. 

But back a few years to 46yo, I was incorrectly diagnosed with adult ADHD. For 6 years took 12 different types of medication but none worked. Re-diagnosed with bipolar2, dysthymia, depression. It was clear, my mania from Bipolar had mirrored ADHD. One of my greatest lessons- get a proper diagnosis. From then on my life changed for the better with the right meds. Fast track to 2021 with a bout of depression I was told I had full functional autism. This cam about from my intolerance to noise. To reflect this I had always been creative, inventive, wrote poetry and had huge empathy and sensitivity.

I want to make it clear- if I was reincarnated I'd want all my quirky illnesses to be with me again, I love how I'm different, unique and have a vast imagination. This is the point whereby you should aim for your self reflection because once there life is amazing.

For you to not reach you and your peers goals is disappointing, sure, but isnt your best good enough? it should be. It might mean changes to your life like career, environment, employment, relationships, diet, hobbies and sports. Reconsider all these things because your mental well being is crucial. Re-evaluate.

This post I'll leave you with the following link, most important you read the first post. Then we can talk more. I hope you are ok.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/td-...

"Expecting people to understand our mental challenges is akin to us identifying with their lack of punctuality..."

TonyWK

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that's presenting so many challenges.

I think while some can tick a lot of the boxes for level 1 autism, for example, or tick a lot of the boxes for ADHD or even AuDHD, the question becomes 'Can I afford to have the boxes professionally ticked and what do I do if I can't afford that at this point?'. It's definitely not cheap, that's for sure. My 20yo son was professionally diagnosed with level 1 autism and 23yo daughter with ADHD. 

I think when a professional diagnosis is unaffordable, it doesn't hurt to consider researching along the lines of how other people manage through the kinds of challenges we face in life. It's important to keep in mind the idea that you haven't been assessed as to why you struggle in certain areas. Whether there are chemical deficiencies present or neurological or cognitive challenges etc etc, ways to mange will partly be based on underlying causes for the struggles. For example, someone could give us all the best advice to naturally stimulate dopamine but if we have issues with dopamine uptake (aka 'dopamine resistance' or 'dopamine receptor insensitivity'), the advice is basically useless. I think sometimes there's nothing wrong with wondering about how someone on one of the spectrums manages certain things. It's like if we're sensitive to sound, can't hurt to look for tips within the autism community or if we struggle with inner dialogue, can't hurt to research 'How to manage the inner dialogue that can come with ADHD'. 

Something Tony touches on is so important to keep in mind, considering who you naturally are. While the brain is basically a computer that computes or a processor that processes, 'Who am I naturally?' becomes a really valid question. For example, if you're naturally highly imaginative, this can get in the way of focusing on stuff outside of the imagination. If you're naturally intuitive and you're kinda meditating/focusing on on a lot of intuitive stuff suddenly coming to mind, zoning out from conversations while this is happening is not unusual. Memory can be an issue here to. How can we possibly remember a conversation we we're fully absorbing to begin with. If you possess natural intelligence when it comes to a particular topic or subject, complex learning can be a problem. So, you might have a natural understanding of how energy works in different forms but struggle intensely with understanding quantum physics (what equates to the mathematical interpretation of how energy works in certain forms). The list of incredibly natural or super natural abilities goes on. While a psychological diagnosis is one thing, working our how to manage or balance natural abilities can be a whole other story.

A couple of other things to consider, so you're not being too hard on yourself are 

1. We're always going to be facing next level challenges, which is partly how we graduate through life. While in primary school, stress and challenge may be at low levels but as the work becomes more complex and the work load becomes heavier, stress and challenge can increase through various levels. Mental exhaustion can increase, focus issues can develop and so on. The question becomes 'How do I manage higher levels of graduation through life?'
2. If we're born to develop/graduate through our natural senses, 'How to manage an increasing level of sensitivity to certain things?' becomes the question. How to constructively develop a sense of imagination, a sense of wonder, a sense of empathy (an increasing sense of other people's feelings), a sense of intuition or inner dialogue etc etc

With the 'You just need to push through' comment, I can imagine my daughter smiling and rolling her eyes. Some of her least favourite pieces of 'advice' are 'You just need to try harder', 'You need to stop being so lazy', 'You just need to get on with things' and on it goes. Logically, there's no plan in any of that.