I am desperate.

[madfickle]

I'm 26F and have been struggling with mental illness my entire life. I have had multiple diagnoses and I don't know what's right and wrong, but I'll just list them all:

5 years old: ADHD, ODD, conduct disorder

6 years old: Autism

8 years old: Depression, Anxiety, OCD

19 years old: Borderline personality disorder (this one is 100% BS), DPDR, pseudopsychosis (idk what this one is and it has never been addressed as far as I'm aware, but it's still on my records)

20 years old: PTSD

I have not been successfully treated for any one of these. I was close to 100% compliant and optimistic with new treatments until about 2 years ago, but I have now completely and utterly lost all hope. 
 

As a child I had a paediatrician, psychiatrist, psychologist and occupational therapist, and since I turned 18 I have nearly consistently had a psychologist and psychiatrist. 
 

I have also consistently been given scripts for medication since childhood which keep me up for days and give me the worst brain fog. There were a few other meds as well, but due to severe side effects I was on them for less than a month.
 

I am well aware that I was over-medicated in childhood. Some of the doses I was on exceeded the recommended max for children and teens. 
 

I have also done CBT countless times, DBT twice, ACT, interpersonal therapy, ketamine therapy, ECT, TMS, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, mindfulness therapy, and EMDR.
 

The last couple of years I have been refusing things I have already tried - which is basically everything from what I'm being told. But I am being met with accusations of cynicism and not wanting to help myself. I don't think I have ever learned anything from therapy - nothing that particularly resonates or is useful anyway. Nobody listens to me, nobody believes me. 
 

From my experience, psychologists latch onto one thing you say that their textbooks teach them how to manage and zero in on that. It's nearly impossible to get them to see the big picture, and it's impossible for them to not jump to conclusions about how I think or feel. I have never felt heard by a psychologist/counsellor/social worker/psychiatrist/etc. in my entire life. 
 

I know I'm supposed to help myself and therapists provide tools, but I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I am constantly in absolutely excruciating agony from whatever this is. I am inherently a bad person too. I am selfish, I hurt people and don't feel guilty about it, I have an extreme amount of rage and need for retribution when I feel there has been an injustice against me, I am a pathological liar just to make myself look better/superior, etc.

I am just about ready to give up because I see no hope. I don't see any opportunity to be better. If this is how I'm going to continue feeling, I can't live. I simply can't. 

[Croix]

Dear Madfickle~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and hope being here and seeing other's points of view may help.

It sounds as if life has handed you a very hard time from an early age and you have constantly been with those who have their own fixed ideas, do not listen and have had the power to prescribed whatever they felt appropriate or conduct whatever therapy.

So you have reacted to all of this, seeing yourself as selfish, wiling to hurt without remorse, full of rage and being unhappy wiht others, and of course trying to increase your own stature in the eyes of others.

This does not make you a 'bad' person. In fact when my PTSD, depression and anxiety has been at its height I have felt much the same, anger, desire to hurt  and all hte rest. Now things have somewhat quietened down I believe it was not just me, but very much the symptoms of the disorders affecting my behaviour.

I was horrible ot be with, now I"m a different person.

Having read all the diagnoses, and listening you say you do not know how you feel, and have no tools I'd like to make two suggestions.

The first is to try to recognize how you feel on a continuing basis, anger, jealousy, lack of hope, even humor at times -plus all the rest.

Once you know the things you feel htat hurt you will have something to aim for -you that is, not clinicians. -to get rid of those feelings and feel better about yourself in the process.

I found keeping a detailed record or journal gave me a solid base to work from, how I felt, the treatment and medication I was on, and circumstances that might have provoked reactions. There is nothing like orderly documentation to impress those you wish to take action you believe will be beneficial.

Now you are no longer a minor you are in charge, which does not necessarily mean you give up on all forms of treatment, just pick the most appropriate wiht the most reasonable clinicians.

Croix

[therising]

Hi madfickle

When I read your post I couldn't help but think how tormenting things must have been for you over the years. While there's the torment that comes with not being able to work out why you tick the way you do, there's also the torment that comes with so much of the trial and error process in regard to what works and what doesn't. Based on my own experience, what I like to call 'the void' is a place in between a past we'd like to leave behind and a future that looks positive and completely different. It can definitely become frustrating and even depressing when we find none of what works while in that void, the in between place.

As a gal who likes to see things from a whole variety of perspectives, in regard to how we tick, I consider mental factors in regard to how we think, what we believe in, how we perceive etc etc. I also consider physical factors when it comes to how we work, such as with biology, chemistry, neurology etc etc. And then there's the 3rd factor, how we naturally work. From all 3 perspectives, there can be an overall picture, not just a 3rd or 2  3rds of the picture or puzzle. We humans can definitely be a bit of a puzzle at times, that's for sure.

One of the most fascinating docos I've seen would have to be one called 'Crazywise'. It offers a way of seeing what's natural from many different angles. It takes a lot into consideration when it comes to a variety of mental health challenges. It also leads to a lot of questions regarding accurate diagnosis vs inaccurate and disabling diagnosis. As I say, fascinating film and perhaps one well worth watching.

As a mum to an 18yo son who was diagnosed with level 1 autism last year, I look at who he is from a natural perspective and the reasons as to why he struggles so much at times with certain things. I also look at where an official diagnosis of level 1 autism can possibly lead a person. Kind of like 'Your sound sensitivity is a fault/flaw, your inability to focus is a fault/flaw. You're lack of eye contact is a fault/flaw, as is your inability to feel for others at times, your inability to socialise, so on and so on'. Changing the script a bit: 'You're super natural extraordinary ability to hear needs to be strategically managed. If you can feel sound, you need to manage how you feel it. Your super natural extraordinary ability to imagine is mind blowing. You need to manage ways of staying out of your imagination at times, so that you can develop focus to different degrees'. Btw, when the imagination acts as a stimulant, it can become addictive (going in there to get a hit or a high) and when exercised in certain ways, it can also get out of control. 'Your lack of feeling for certain people is a brilliant ability, given that some folk can be seriously triggering. You don't want to be feeling those types of people that much, to the point where they impact your nervous system and self esteem. Learning how to develop a better feel for who's who (depressing and degrading vs uplifting and inspiring) is a skill that will serve you well'. I could go on but you get the gist. While a diagnosis can be all about faults or flaws, sometimes you gotta ask 'What's natural yet seriously out of balance, due to a lack of self understanding and skill development?'.

I think sometimes there's also a need to ask 'Am I dealing with one overall issue that has a wide variety of side effects?'. And if someone could identify that one overall issue, would things change overall?

[madfickle]

I don't know how I feel because it's something different to all the other feelings. I can identify emotions that have names, I cannot identify this one that causes me the most grief.

I did not give up once I was no longer a minor. I have given up 8 years into my independence because it has been 8 consecutive years of more failure. I have spent around $100k in the last 8 years trying to help myself whether it's medical, psychological, or alternative.

[Croix]

Dear Madfickle~

That amout of effort and expense is staggering, and obviously not given you what you needed. If you leave clinicians and alternative practitioners to one side do you think there is anything, perhaps completely unrelated, that may bear more fruit?

I do know htat congenial company can help many -including myself - wihtout any discussion of illness. Similarly certain types of exercise can be enjoyable for their own sake, and improve one's health as a by-product.

I am not sure being unable to give a name to the feeling  or feelings htat gives you the most greif is a bar to recognizing and maybe lessening it. My suggestion of a journal may in time identify it/them by context rather than official label. "This is the feeling that happens when ..." etc.

Maybe not easy to establish a context in the short term, particularly as there may be several different circumstances that bring it on, but over time you might get some ideas.

You are a very determined and thorough character and think you will win though in time.

Croix

[therising]

Hi madfickle

I've found the deeper more soulful or soul destroying feelings can be so much harder to identify, compared to basic feelings or basic emotions. For example, while basic can include happy, sad, angry, frustrated etc, soul destroying can include feeling completely alone with no sense of direction, to the point of pure despair or overwhelming heartache or having completely lost all sense of self.

[madfickle]

I have no idea what you mean. Nobody is making any sense here. I do exercise regularly, get plenty of time outdoors, I eat well. I JOURNAL. I do everything I'm supposed to, everything that is suggested to me. It's got nothing to do with that. It's this overarching sensation that is the main issue. And also the fact that I seem to be an inherently bad person. Maybe they're connected, I don't know. I don't want vague nonsense like "you will win in time". That's what I've gotten my entire life. And I'm getting worse. I'm ready to die. I simply cannot do this for another 60, 70, 80 years until I inevitably die anyway. And what I'm absolutely tired of is when people tell me I'm not trying to help myself when I say something doesn't work. If I know that it doesn't work, it means I've tested it well. Why can nobody understand that. I need to know that there has been someone like me who has come out the other end. I am searching high and low and I cannot find it. That makes me feel hopeless, that may confirm that I'm hopeless. If I can't change or find even a molecule of relief, I cannot live. There is no point.

[madfickle]

Nothing you said makes any sense

[Sophie_M]

Hi madfickle, 

We just wanted to jump in, we thank you for your strength in sharing and our community for providing their insight. We can hear it’s hard right now and we understand how frustrating it can be when we feel like we've tried everything to feel better. Not only is it frustrating but it is exhausting and we want to recognise the incredible strength you have in dealing with these feelings for as long as you have. Unfortunately, your story is a familiar one as other community members speak about going through different psychologists and therapies until they find the one that 'clicks'.

We know it sounds like cold comfort right now but we’d welcome you to reach out to our support service, you're not alone in these feelings and often just being able to vent can help us to feel a little bit better. Additionally if you are having feelings of suicide or self-harm please contact our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. We’d also recommend checking out some of these other threads where community members have shared their self-help tips and coping strategies for when you’re feeling low, often community members share their research in finding therapies and psychologists that are a good fit for them.

We know you've probably heard this before but often finding a good GP can be a great first step as they are able to provide recommendations based on what you've tried in the past or your budget. We know it can be exhausting feeling like a detective trying to find answers as to what can provide some relief but please know our community is rallying around you during this time.

Many mention sharing can help, so we’re glad you were able to do so here, that’s a really good start. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M