Struggling to know how to speak to my psych

[javalava13]

Hi, 

I've been going through a pretty low stage for the past few months and have gotten used to this very low bar of mood. I've also just been very in my own head (more than normal) so have a few things I wanted to come to this forum to share and I would love any advice. 

I've been having some suicidal thoughts which I was speaking to my psychologist about. I've been feeling slightly better after about 3 weeks of these intense thoughts (I think?) but I'm just so confused where I'm at. I have a real issue with judging myself for feeling depressed or having suicidal thoughts, often thinking I am just trying to get attention when I open up about this. I have been having less of the really concerning/harmful thoughts but I am still incredibly low and never don't just want to disappear. I don't really know what the problem is or what I'm asking for advice on but I am just having trouble explaining where I am at to my psych because while I am still feeling incredibly low and hopeless, I am not feeling at risk so think I'm judging myself for complaining at all. I also don't know if I am actually doing enough to get out of this spot because sometimes I feel like I just want to sit in the low emotions and am not trying hard enough to feel better, but I feel too guilty/ashamed to admit that. 

Another thing I was hoping for advice on was talking about was how to speak about a fear of sex or intimacy with my psych. I have raised it once or twice so she knows about it briefly, but it is something I really, really want and feel I need to fix, or work through, as I feel so insecure in every part of my life because of it. I don't know how to raise it, or ask her to focus more of my sessions on it, because I feel so uncomfortable talking about it. Just for context, I am 26 and have literally done nothing remotely intimate with anyone because I am so uncomfortable. 

I know this is a lot and I am jumping around, but honestly any advice would be incredibly appreciated. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

In the past when I have spoken with my psychologist I sometimes feel like a fraud - you mentioned judging for complaining at all. Also, there was a time when I made a similar comment, and someone whom we might say was in a worse position said to me words to the effect of 

it does not matter what brought you here, when you are feel low and questioning life, it does not matter what brought you to that point - you are deserving of support as anyone else.

And those words have stuck with me to today.

The other point that i wanted to make is in relation to what you could do in areas that you have trouble speaking about. What I have done is written down what I wanted to say, and either email it to her, or hand over my phone when the session starts. It allows me to say it, without saying it if you get what I mean. On a related note, the person that is sitting opposite you is likely to have hear everything before and would not be critical or judge you in any way. 

And depending on what you have to deal with before getting help can impact on what, or how much you say. It took me a little while to get comfortable in being open with my psychologist. 

Hope some of this helps. And listening...

[therising]

Hi javalava13

I honestly think one of the hardest things to do or achieve in life is making better sense of how we feel. 'What am I sensing within myself, what is this emotion or set of mixed emotions that I'm feeling?'. Until we can work it all out, we can be so incredibly hard on our self while being left with so many questions.

I've found one of the most important things about managing depression involves a sense of wonder. While that may sound a little simplistic, I believe it's far more inspiring to wonder with someone (as to why we feel the way we do), as opposed to being left alone to wonder. Having managed the ins and outs of depression for a few decades or so, I often used to wonder why I could feel this bizarre sense of comfort within such depressing periods. It took me years to work out feeling sorrow (or sorry) for myself is a sign of self compassion. The feeling of self compassion can be filled with some form of grief yet be comforting, with so many mixed emotions. There would be occasional anger towards myself as well, for not being able to make or find a difference during those times. Another emotion to add to the mix. Then throw in all the chemistry that comes with depression, such as a lack of dopamine, serotonin etc and it's all like the perfect recipe for depression. Add a lack of inspiration or the right people to pull me out, as well as a few dashes of all the wrong beliefs that can impact self esteem and then stir the whole depressing pot. Depression can be such a highly complex recipe, with dozens of ingredients we're not even aware of.

It's only in the last handful of years that I came to recognise a legitimate need to gain someone's attention when I'm deeply depressed or stressed or confused etc. It's kinda like 'Hey, over here. I need your help when it comes to figuring out what all the ingredients are. What combo has led to this particular challenge that I'm feeling so intensely'. Then, of course, you've got someone wondering with you, which can fast track you toward working the whole thing out.

Wondering whether you could approach the intimacy side of things from a different perspective, to start things off. Maybe discussing with your psychologist 'I have no idea how I'd find a partner who wasn't focused on sex to begin with. I just don't feel comfortable going full on into an intimate relationship. I'd prefer that to develop naturally over time, even months possibly'. I imagine if you broach the subject with concern, she may begin to wonder about it and naturally delve into it a little more, perhaps discussing any insecurities. The days where a courting period was the done thing provided a couple with the opportunity to come to know each other as friends more than anything else. While such a period could last for months or even a good couple of years or so, it offered plenty of time to become comfortable enough with each other to the point of eventually sharing feelings on a whole new level, in a deeply intimate way. I think it's about how comfortable we are with someone and how comfortable they make us. That is a good partner.