Got a question related to mental health? ASK DR KIM

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

This is a thread for asking questions of our resident GP and counsellor, Dr Kim, who pops into the forums regularly.

PLEASE NOTE as per our community rules, Dr Kim won't be able to answer questions about medications, these are best discussed offline directly with your mental health professional.

UPDATE - 01/03/2018
BEFORE YOU ASK DR.KIM PLEASE CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING POINTS:

• Dr Kim's time is limited! We cannot provide an ongoing dialogue with Dr Kim in this thread - one post/question per person please
•  We'd recommend you have a look through the forums before posting here to see if your question has already been answered by Dr Kim, our other members, or if there's information about it already on the beyondblue website. If a question pops up that has already been answered previously, or if alternate resources are available, one of our moderators will reply and direct you to the link.
• When writing your question, imagine you are speaking to someone in person i.e. provide a clear and detailed post with enough information that outlines how Dr.Kim can help you.

Background

After 20 years of experience working as a GP, Dr Kim realised in 2003 the aspect of her work she enjoyed most was talking to people and understanding the way they think and behave – and so she underwent training in counselling and therapy, where she now solely works.

Her experience includes working with a wide range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression and adolescent mental health.

“Given my training I also see couples, siblings, parents with their children and entire family groups,” she says. “In this work I hope to give families the skills to understand one another and have the strategies to communicate and manage relationships that are distressing them. I believe strongly that best therapy is achieved when there is trust in the therapist's ability but also their genuine desire to understand and help.”

[ctjbns]

Hi Dr. Kim

Thank you so much for your time and detailed answer.

For me personally, there is no meaning in life. I have tried psychotherapy and medication overseas, but am still the same good old me. That being said, I am not "actively" seeking to die, but passively waiting for it to happen. My question, as you clearly indicated, was a philosophical one. Why is there a blanket rule that suicide is bad?

I have thought about talking to a psychologist, but the amount of power Mental Health Act 2009 bestows on literally everybody dealing with a patient with suicidal thoughts is so much that I fear I might end up like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, so here I am.

[geoff]

Hello Ctjbns, I've read your reply to Dr. Kim and think if you start your own thread on 'Why is there a blanket rule that suicide is bad?' would be good.

I think talking with a psychologist would be good, although you have tried psychotherapy without much luck.

Patients can talk about suicide with their psych without any fear of being taken away in a jacket, I have and so much perspective came out of it. Geoff.

[Guest_5698]

Dr Kim,

im suffering depression,and have got myself in a situation,i suffer depression and addiction.

Im in a terrible domestc violence place,no phoneto embarrasedto exit the door trying to be responsible please,is there an online fascility to talk to some sort of mediator

[Pollypocket91]

Hi Dr. Kim,

I’m looking for advice and support with regards supporting any partner (anxiety, major depressive) and moving him through this tough time (1 year of bad - 6months minor)

Medication combinations do do not seem to work well for him and he places a lot of pressure and emphasis on me making him feel loved and included, even if his thoughts are not logical are completely unreasonable. He regularly becomes manic, with thoughts focused on me or those around me (e.g., would prefer to talk to my friends than him, his housemate than him, does not feel loved, thinks I’m sleeping with other people - none of which are clearly true - we generally have a good solid relationship).

He’s drinking every day to cope, he’s hanging on by a thread at work, in debt as a result, regularly threatens suicide. He refuses to talk to psychiatrists, is skeptical of them, and fights any idea of checking into hospital or approaching support groups. He’s managed to mostly hide it from his family and will not let me tell them what’s going on (Asian family - complicated).

I struggle to always be soft / meek and mild, I’m not sure which way to approach it anymore, because if I give in to erratic thoughts - I lose my own sense of self and reasoning over time, which has lead to me developing anxiety and depression issues of my own- however, if I don’t, I could lose him forever to this illness.

any guidance and help would be welcomed.

thanks.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Pollypocket91

I am going to give you a new lens through which to view your situation. I really hope that you dont find what i am about to say as too difficult to consider. Naturally I dont know the details of your situation and it is absolutely impossible to make a diagnosis without doing face to face evaluation however I have a suspicion that your husband may have some narcissistic traits or even a narcissistic personality disorder NPD)which might be making it super hard for you to get through to him , for you to get him to see your side of things or for you to implement any logical strategies. 

Lets just lay out why I think so. 
You write that 
1. Medications dont work. well this occurs with about 20% of people with anxiety / depression so that isn’t diagnostic but they definitely will not help Narcissism so that may explain some of that. 
2. Emphasis on you having to make him feel loved . This is common for Narcissists to mask any deeper insecurities bu demanding constant and unreasonable validation and attention. It is done without regard for the strain or imposition that this places on the person being imposed on. 
3. Jealously and unreasonable demands - Again I feel this could tie into a need for ongoing validation these “blow ups” create a scenario where your devotion to him is tested and then once again secured.
4. Drinking - a common behaviour by many in our community (not just Narcissists!) however those with NPD can often fool themselves that they have “ got it under control” or are above addiction or dont need help as they know best. This is clearly not an attitude just reserved to those with NPD.
5. Hanging on by a thread at work. You can google lots of articles and youtube clips about Narcisits at work. It is a complex issue and ,emu do amazingly well at work to be honest as so many can be charming to court flattery. However, unlike sociopaths, they often come undone at some point when the self aggrandisement just isn’t enough and it all falls apart. 
6. Refuses to talk to a psychiatrist. This is again not uncommon in all sorts of conditions but many Narcisists do not think that anyone can help them as THEY know best. they usually just want YOU ( the partner) to make them feel amazing without regard or empathy for what that might be like for you to have to do .
7. I struggle to be soft and meek . Often the partner is called upon sacrifice him or herself  in order to provide the constant validation that the Narcissist demands. You state that you have developed depression and anxiety as a response to his emotional demands…. I’m not sure , but I imagine that its just possible that their hasn’t been a huge amount of empathy about this from him. I am guessing that he is still much more concerned about his own problems , than yours. 


So, I guess it sounds like I’m being a bit harsh and in a way I am . I’m not trying to get you to dislike him. However I am hoping to get to consider a few things.
1. It may not be his “fault”. That he has certain blind spots when it comes to caring about you and your feelings and that he naturally just stays stuck in a rut of caring about himself AND wanting you to care primarily about him
2. Its not easy to change this but it can be done if you are both willing to see it and work on it together WITH professional help. 
3. If that isn’t the case you may have to learn skills to learn to live with a husband with these traits so that you can “ protect” yourself emotionally and dont get worn out .
4. You will need to get some help to know what is realistic to help him with and what isn’t so that you dont get depressed and anxious yourself .

I hope that you can take these ideas and get to your GP and counsellor and find a stranger place from which to help your partner.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi and Thank You for contacting us

I am going to be short and to the point as I want you to get to help straight away .
Please please get in touch with the chat line at 1800respect.
They have a 24 hour call line but also an online chat line for support and advice.

https://www.1800respect.org.au/violence-and-abuse/domestic-and-family-violence/

First you need to get safe and get healthy. And then you can work on what to do next.

You have already taken the first step by reaching out to us.

Now take the next.

[Dublin]

Dear Dr Kim, my 13 year old daughter has been suffering from persistant abdo pain for over two months now. paediatricians keep telling me it is anxiety but I'm not convinced. her pain gets worse from time to time for no apparent reason. it wakes her up at night. all physical tests have come back normal. she now gets very teary at night and says she is having weird feelings but she cannot explain what they are to me. I do not know what to do, she is seeing a phsychologist but I do not think it is helping, Do you think she should be seeing a psychiatrist

[demonblaster]

Hi Dr Kim thank you for what you do here and how you clearly put it across 😊

Many people as you know suffer anxiety was wondering if you could please explain the best breathing techniques that we can pass onto people to help.

Thanks

[Chloe_Brischke]

im 16, school and home life is stressing me out im going through depression and anxiety

[demonblaster]

Hi Chloe Brischke welcome to bb 😊

If you'd like to start a thread if you let us know the name here I'd be happy to support you.

Sorry you're doing it hard darl

Also a very good post Dr Kim put up here on pg 15. 6th post down a video 6 pillars to self esteem. Helps with anxiety and how we feel about ourselves.