The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life and marriage which is challenging you so much.
Not sure if will be of any help but as I've said to my husband in the past 'I don't expect you to do absolutely everything I'd like you to do but what I do expect is for you to be reasonable, able to provide a valid reason for why you won't or can't do something. This way, I can make alternative plans'. Over a 23 year marriage, I've gradually become a 'matter of fact' kinda gal because this is what's come to serve me. I know that sounds rather selfish in a way but it tends to take the emotion out of certain situations...
I discovered what never served me well over the years was dreading asking my husband to do something or stressing about what his response would be. I don't like to feel dread and stress moving through my body. As you'd know, they're horrible feelings. Being 'matter of fact' also tends to take the feeling of disappointment out of things. That's along the lines of 'If I appoint you the role of 'He who will fix the roof' and you constantly dis-appoint yourself from that role (by not fixing it), I will feel that over and over again'. It becomes a matter of appointing that role to someone who'll actually fill it. Being matter of fact in such ways can also promote a sense of independence and a sense of achievement, two feelings I actually enjoy sensing. So, in a way (when I mention the self serving aspect), it serves me to not feel dread, stress and disappointment but instead feel a sense of independence, achievement, joy and those kinds of emotions. Taking it next level and dictating to others what you don't want them to lead you to feel can be a little stressful at times but with practice it can get easier over time. A bit sassy but something along the lines of 'I don't need or want to feel your anger. You need to address it. I can genuinely help you address what the anger's about but only if you're interested in putting the effort in'.
I think the lack of interest from our partner helping around the house can come from a whole variety of different places. Whether it involves the fact they're facing pure physical exhaustion, serious mental health issues or something debilitating along those lines (which they should seriously be addressing) or it comes from a sense of self entitlement, where they feel entitled to do or not do whatever they want, it can pay to work out the reason/s so as to know exactly what/who we're dealing with. I have to add, that sense of self entitlement definitely tends to trigger me at times. If we felt entitled to do next to nothing outside of work, next to nothing would get done and it would show. It's definitely a team effort that requires team strategy. I can't help but wonder what your husband's response is when you ask him to do certain jobs around the house.
Btw, while I used to beat myself up somewhat for becoming emotionally detached at times from my husband and his emotions (aka 'shut down' from him), I eventually came to realise what that was really all about. It's a matter of 'If I switch off from you, I don't have to feel anymore triggers'. It was less about me being 'difficult' and more about self preservation (preserving my nervous system and everything attached to it). And when it comes to having developed that 'matter of fact' way of managing, I found over time that it reset the boundaries when it came to what I would and wouldn't tolerate. Nothing wrong with developing a little intolerance, as long as we feel that as a positive and construction kind of energy in motion or emotion within us. Intolerance can feel so liberating at times 😊
