Abrupt termination after a heated text argument with my counsellor. How do I move on?

[chardeaf_175]

I had a heated argument over text with my former therapist regarding a past friendship of mine. The conflict began when she told me I should take responsibility for my part in that friendship, and I reacted out of anger by calling her disgusting. She then admitted that she had said this intentionally because she wanted to see my reaction, knowing it would trigger me.

When I called her out on this and told her the environment felt unsafe, abusive, toxic, and disgusting, she became highly defensive and denied it, while claiming she was trying to change my perspective. She also threw it back in my face that I was using that word again, even though we had explicitly talked about that kind of language in a previous session. During this exchange, she patronisingly asked if I wanted her to call my mum about our argument.

The following day, she decided to terminate our therapeutic relationship. She texted me stating that it was time for me to find a counsellor with a softer approach who doesn't challenge me. She expressed that she was deeply offended by my words, claiming that I wanted her to collude with me, that I didn't understand boundaries, and that I should speak to my parents when I can't sit well with my thoughts before pressing send.

I felt incredibly patronised by her statements, as if she was treating me like a child instead of an adult man. Looking back, I realise I did want her to collude with me, and I kept bringing up the friendship conflict despite already knowing what her response would be. Still, the termination hurts deeply because she has known my mum and me since I was a toddler, back when she was my specialist teacher. After a 20-year gap, we crossed paths again, and she became my counsellor for several years during my twenties.

Furious and acting on impulse, I reported her to the healthcare complaints board online that same day. A few days later, I sent her a formal complaint letter generated by AI, which she replied to on the very same day, apologising for her wrongdoings.

Shortly after that, my parents found out what happened and sat down to have a serious discussion with me. Reflecting on that conversation made me realise I had made a massive mistake by escalating the situation so impulsively. Following our discussion, my mum texted her to thank her for the help she had provided over the years, and I withdrew the official complaint the next day. My parents were disappointed at that time.

A few days later, I texted her to apologise and confirm the withdrawal. In the text, I noted that I had already found a new counsellor and respected her decision to end our therapeutic relationship, adding that I didn't expect a reply.

Despite me saying I didn't expect a response, she texted back anyway. She expressed that she was still upset and found the AI-generated letter abusive and threatening. She noted that I still carried profound anger, but offered to speak with my new counsellor about our past work together. She also asked for permission to call my mum for a proper goodbye.

A few days later, I texted her back, granting permission for her to email my mum instead of calling or texting. I explained that my mum simply wants to move on and prefers not to discuss the matter over the phone. She has not replied to me or sent an email to my mum.

I have decided to move on and leave things as they are, but the whole experience has left me feeling very conflicted. I wanted to share this anonymously to get some outside perspective. How does this situation look from an outsider's point of view?

[Croix]

Dear Chardeaf_175~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum, a place where there are lots of people with lots of problems, in part they are here to help others who have similar issues.

There are without doubt good and bad therapists, I once stopped seeing one after three sessions as they spent each session establishing who I was and my circumstances, which took up all the time for each session. When I asked about this I was told by the clinician they were not able to take notes as the center's computer did not have a way of doing so. That was of course a fib and I simply left and went to another in the same center and was very happy with their note-taking ability..

As a matter of principle I would think it unhelpful to have a therapist who had contacts with one's family or other relations as this can raise problems.  That being put to one side from my expereice therapy sessions are not necessarily comfortable, and a therapist may deliberately raise a subject or event that has raised strong feelings, not to hurt the client, but to give a chance for reflection to see what was actually hurting, or what else could have been done.

While this may have been inadvisable in your case it is not an unknown technique. Similarly in initial seasons boundaries are established, including the language to be used. It does not sound as if you stuck to them, and with the matter of the relationship you did seem by your own account to react very strongly at the time, and then went on to take matters much further with a computer-generated formal complaint.

From what you have been saying I suspect you realise you are quick to anger and impulsive in taking action. The good thing being you are able to talk things over with those your respect, your parents, and as a result see your own actions as probably counterproductive and take action to remedy matters.

I think it was reasonable for your ex therapist to offer to contact your new one, this can be pretty standard, but probably have been wiser not to comment on your subsequent actions or complaint. I also think as your mum knew her from the past and had just contacted her it was not really up to you to try to dictate terms of a reply on your mother's behalf unless requested.

Getting angry quickly and acting on the spur of the moment as a result, then later wishing one hadn't, are very common problems people have, and anger management is one thing the one does go to a therapist for, and during those sessions the therapist is not always going to take the client's side, if they did there realy would not be any therapy.

I think it shows a degree of wisdom to come here to the forum and set out the whole problem to get other views, I hope the answers you receive do help

Croix